tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91540661490831986362024-03-14T10:54:09.855-07:00Wildflowers~Beautiful * Alive * Strong * RisingEmily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-31165141078851207472012-07-01T16:08:00.000-07:002012-07-06T15:54:00.157-07:00On Tiny Crumbs and a Beautifully Brave Wildflower<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Yes, I'm late to the game, but thankfully Wildflower Ashley Wilkinson was not. In the unlikely event you haven't read about <a href="http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html?spref=fb">Club Unicorn</a> and Josh and Lolly Weed and their mixed-orientation marriage, follow the previous link. Then read Ashley's <a href="http://ashleystinycrumbs.blogspot.com/2012/06/in-which-i-feel-compelled-to-start-blog.html">response</a>. Then read her whole blog, because it is simply excellent. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If I may... I would like to say a word regarding the Weeds and their post... this is my uber-honest opinion. UBER-honest. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Before I do, let me say first that I come from a mixed-orientation marriage which transitioned into divorce. A pretty good divorce. I am much happier now than when I was married, and my former spouse and I get along quite well. And, just like Josh and Lolly Weed, I am also a fully-active card-carrying member of the LDS Church. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But back to Club Unicorn... I actually believe this couple is sincere. I also believe their blogpost is akin to a gray wolf in meticulously tailored and ridiculously fashionable sheep's clothing. It is elegantly written with no stone unturned, though the stone-turning has lent itself to discourse suppression, something called <i>discursive closure</i>. Things get cursorily mentioned as if to address them sufficiently enough to move on. But they haven't been discussed sufficiently. I'm not ok with that. And while the Weed's post may be helpful to some... maybe...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">...Ultimately, I find it highly problematic.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Problematic because these types of shared experiences can be dangerous. Dangerous in a world where people hope desperately for reality not to be real. Or for someone else's reality to be their own.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">These kinds of declarations should come with big yellow warning signs. Like a wise Wildflower said the other day... </span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Results not typical</i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. Not everyone would choose to live the life of an informercial. Buyer be warned.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My intent is not to yell and scream at Josh and Lolly Weed and tell them they are wrong. I'm not even here to argue whether or not mixed-orientation marriages should or should not occur. The point is, they happen. Accepting what is, let us not be deceived by our assumptions about what mixed-orientation marriages truly are. Let us, instead, <i>talk</i> about what they truly are. One way to start is to talk about what they truly <i>are not</i>. (Teaser for future blogpost.) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">To illustrate this point most eloquently, I share a snippet from amazing author Dan Pearce of the blog <a href="http://www.danoah.com/">Single Dad Laughing</a> wherein he demonstrates particularly appropriate insight without having experienced a mixed-orientation marriage himself. Thank you, Dan, for writing <a href="http://www.danoah.com/2012/06/in-which-i-respond-to-josh-weeds-club-unicorn-post.html">In Which I Respond to Josh Weed's Club Unicorn Post</a>.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">What gets under my skin is how many people are using his post to say, “SEE?! TOLD YOU SO!”</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">There are people who are using it as an example of how it can be and how it should be for every gay person. They’re using it as a religious mold into which they believe all gays can fit. They’re using it as proof that people who are struggling with it just aren’t trying hard enough; they just aren’t doing it with the right mindset; they just aren’t doing it with enough determination. If they were… surely they could achieve the same thing Josh and Lolly have achieved.</span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Beautiful. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Josh Weed's marriage is NOT an example of <i>how it can be and how it should be for every gay person</i>. I would add that it is not an example of how it can be and how it should be for every straight spouse. Josh and Lolly Weed have said as much.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">And yet Josh Weed's Club Unicorn post is still viral. Right now. Just two nights ago another friend was excited to tell me about it and how she posted it to her Facebook page only to be precariously "liked" by countless other Facebookers. Again. To this I have to honestly say I am as equally concerned as I am grateful, as others have noted as well, because the Weeds have contributed greatly to a very necessary conversation. For that I would like to express a sincere thank you to Josh and Lolly Weed.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I suppose what I'm really doing in this post is providing a very small bibliography of two of my favorite responses to a post gone viral. A dangerous post gone viral. And my main message here isn't to the Josh and Lolly's of the world. Not that they aren't important too. They are. They have stories to tell. And, right now, they have Josh and Lolly Weed to help them do that. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Today, my message is to all those who have tried and tried and tried and not ended up in Club Unicorn. And to those who are trying and trying and trying and wondering if they ever will or even want to make it into Club Unicorn. And even to those who are considering signing up to try and try and try to join Club Unicorn. To you lovely people, I would like you to know:</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It's ok NOT to believe in unicorns. </span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">and</span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">You have permission to be the rule, and NOT the exception. </span></span><br />
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<i style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 22.516666412353516px;">Please feel welcome to leave comments!</i></div>Kristine Binghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564749751047554060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-77129571553538773362010-09-14T07:23:00.001-07:002010-09-14T07:44:21.029-07:00It's NOT Your FaultThe following email exchange is from our online support group (posted with permission.) M----- sent an email with the subject heading "Need Some Encouragement." <br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />I haven't posted on here much, but I could use some encouragement and <br />perspective today. My husband and I separated back in June. He's <br />alternately saying he's bi, gay, unsure, conflicted; whatever suits <br />the moment. But he admits to having always been attracted to men. And <br />there have been incidents over the years that point in the direction <br />of gay. Then back in January I discovered he wasn't where he said he <br />would be, and he was with a man. He says just friends, but I was <br />suspicious of the relationship before. And besides, why hide it if <br />it's friendship? Usually when you find your spouse in a hotel room <br />with someone else, it's not good news.<br /><br />Anyway. We're in counseling, both individually and as a couple. And <br />one minute I think we understand each other, and the next I think he's <br />lost his mind. Because he keeps saying things like yes, he's <br />conflicted about his sexuality, but that's not why he left. And that I <br />need to take half of the responsibility for the marriage not working <br />out. This fries my logic circuits. Because of course, I'm not perfect, <br />but I think that anything else we could work on together to improve, <br />but being gay kind of necessarily ends the marriage (since I'm really <br />not interested in some kind of open relationship). But he keeps saying <br />that no, that's not the reason it's over, and that I share some <br />responsibility for it not working. Is this typical, or is he just <br />really, really more screwed up than I imagined? Or if I'm wrong, I'm <br />willing to hear that, too.<br /> <br />All I know is, I'm not the one who has been lying about who I am.<br /><br />Thanks,<br />M-----</span><br /><br />My response:<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Oh, Sweetheart...<br /> <br />NO, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Please, hear and believe that above everything else. <br /><br />He IS unsure and conflicted - he is a gay man struggling out of a closet that has caused unbelievable brain damage for him. He is gay. There may be some bi-sexuality - depending on how sexually functional he is / was with you. But that makes no difference. He is sexually attracted to men - therefore HE IS NOT STRAIGHT. He was in a hotel room with a man after lying about where he was? He's gay. And he's a liar. And he's a cheater. None of this is your fault. <br /> <br />I have always been so sick of the "I'm gay - therefore it wasn't really cheating. I couldn't help myself" bullshit. Cheating is cheating. Does the fact that he's gay make it more complicated? Sure. I remember when I found out that my straight boyfriend of nearly 5 years had been serially cheating on me and my former husband was appalled. He could not believe that the boyfriend would do that to me. He was totally dis-connected from the reality that they had done exactly the same thing. <br /> <br />Gay men that are married and want out eventually have sex with other men SO THEY CAN GET OUT AND FINALLY JUST BE GAY - even if they aren't consciously aware of it. Even if they are still confused and terrified. They need out. They want out. And they get out. But they already feel like such shit for (1) being an "evil gay" in the first place and (2) for lying for so many years about it (3) And for hurting you. They are desperate to not be the bad guy all alone. They have been blaming us wives for years for being part of the system that has kept them trapped in a world of pain where they cannot be who they really are. Deep down they resent us and our children (even though they know it's not our faults and even though they may really love us) for adding to an already unbearable burden. <br /> <br />In non-mixed marriages, heterosexual or homosexual, blame can be shared for that marriage failing. And even in your marriage, there are certainly things that you didn't do or could have done or should have done. You are human and therefore not perfect. If this was a non -mixed marriage, you could go to therapy and work on yourself, the relationship, issues... But THIS marriage was doomed to fail from the very beginning. RARE as a unicorn is the mixed orientation marriage that lasts and is based on a healthy, honest working friendship. He wants you to share the blame so he doesn't have to carry it alone. Tough shit. Don't do it. <br /> <br />He DID leave because he is gay. He needs out and you need him out. I know how much it hurts - BELIEVE ME I know. But, in the long run you will praise the gods if you get assertive, take action and DO NOT allow his mind games to work any longer. You have been brain damaged through this too and it is time you choose YOUR health and YOUR life.<br /> <br />But, when you do, be prepared for some unbelievably weird meanness which is, unfortunately, all too often part of the deal. A divorce between a straight and a gay spouse (especially when religion is involved) can be unbearably messy. As a whole, I love gay men with all my heart and will fight for them and their rights until the day I die. But those that got married and tried to be straight and are so damaged by that that they become the devils of destruction to their ex-wives and children? OH, HELL NO. I will put them in their place right quick. Just cause you're gay doesn't mean you get to be an asshole, I'm sorry.<br /> <br />He IS more screwed up than you imagined - although much of that is not his fault either. Don't join him in that. He is a big boy - let him take care of himself. He has a tough road to travel but there is huge support for him if he accepts it. Your job is to make sure you and your children get, and stay, well.<br /> <br />I am SO SORRY! All this is just gross - for everyone. But, you are not alone - not even close. <br /> <br />More love than you know what to do with,<br />Emily</span>Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-70485184650916149962009-09-18T09:05:00.000-07:002009-09-18T09:30:47.803-07:00Jerk<em><strong>Question:</strong> I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this, trying to separate the gay from the jerk. I love gay men. Why’s this particular one such an ass? I am torn between defending homosexuality and hating what he / it did to me. How do you do it?</em><br /><br />This is such a great conversation to have. One of the hardest things about being married to a gay man is that everything becomes about his sexuality. All marital problems are attributed to his being gay. All personality conflicts and quirks, even disorders, are slapped with a “Gay” label – even problems that have absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. Once that closet door is opened and we are bound, gagged and dragged inside, we’re like a lifeless little Jonah – swallowed whole and incapable of seeing anything but the giant gay whale that is consuming us both. This needs to stop.<br /><br />First of all, peel the “Gay” label off of his behavior. How do you look at straight men? Is a guy good just because he is straight? Is he a jerk because he is straight? No. Straight men are either good guys or assholes because of their personalities – not because they’re straight. That’s a no-brainer. Take the one size fits all label off of gay men. Guess what? There are great gay guys and horrible gay guys and it’s not about their sexual orientation – it’s about the kind of human they are. <br /><br />We are straight women. If we are having a bad day or being bitchy is it because we’re straight? No – we’re probably just momentarily suffering from Mad Cow Disease (aka: PMS.) You get my point. Behavior may be influenced by one’s sexuality, but is not a product of it. <br /><br />You went through a divorce. Divorce is gross. I now a lot of straight men that are asses to the women they are divorcing. Historically, divorce is not the friendliest of playgrounds and both parties are seldom full of sunshine and good will. The sad truth is that a gay man that married a woman obviously spent a good chunk of time denying and loathing himself. He wasn’t allowed by himself, his family, religion, society… to develop and mature all his internal parts the way other humans got to. When he finally comes out, he really does have to go back and explore, find out, grow up and re-mature himself all over again. (It is similar for individuals leaving the strict religions they grew up in.) That’s why it’s called a “Gay Adolescence.” Does it completely suck that we find ourselves picking up the pieces and raising kids all alone and being the only grown up in sight? Yep. Welcome to it. But remember, many straight men and women find themselves in a similar position while their former spouses move to Disneyland.<br /><br />Rare is the couple that isn’t pissed when they get divorced. Our gay husbands took everything they were and put it in an airless jar on the shelf and it caused them enormous pain. As much as they try not to blame us, we wives and our kids become listed among the things that bound them, stifled them and held them prisoner in a place they really didn’t want to be – regardless of how much they loved us. <br /><br />And we’re pissed at them for being gay, for not touching us, for not seeing us. We blame them for the 30 lbs we put on our dead bodies and the insanity that has whirled around our heads for years. By the time everything explodes he is in crisis and we are in crisis and nothing makes sense to anyone. No one handles that like Gandhi and Mother Theresa. We’re all just lucky to come out alive. <br /><br />Bottom line: There are wonderful gay men that leave their marriages with integrity and continue to be friends with their ex wives and there are gay men that are the ex-husbands from hell that cause nothing but continued trauma and grief - just as there are straight men that leave their marriages with integrity and continue to be friends with their ex wives and there are straight men that are the ex husbands from hell that cause nothing but continued trauma and grief. <br /><br />There are kind gay men and kind straight men. There are responsible gay men and responsible straight men. And sometimes, gay or straight, some guys are just assholes.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-62807045455590897572009-07-27T08:31:00.000-07:002009-07-27T09:22:58.790-07:00"Anonymous" Four Years Ago<em>"It has been so long since I have written in my journal. It surprises me that I am motivated to do it now… I guess it is because my feelings are changing so drastically lately, and I don’t know why. <br /><br />Ever since my whole life shattered and shifted a little over a year ago, it has been easy for me to “understand” my ex and to forgive him. In fact, it seemed as though a huge weight had lifted off of my shoulders. I had blamed myself so long for the unhappiness in our marriage. And at long last the truth was out – it was HIM all along! There was a selfish self-vindication of sorts. I got to be the “good” one - finally. I got to be the victim, the innocent one, the saint. He was the problem. He was the bad one. <br /><br />I have been so busy getting the house sold, packing it all up, finding a new home and job, and getting settled. Then came my daughter’s wedding. It has been a very busy year. <br /><br />Last month was wonderful as I was able to stay with my oldest son and his wife at their home, and the whole family was together. I truly learned that no matter what happens legally or physically – a family IS forever. For better or for worse, you never stop being a family.<br /><br />Lately, though, I have struggled with emotions quite different from the easy strength and magnanimous acceptance I have been blessed with. I have felt a growing sense of anger – rage even – betrayal, shame, hurt, pain. I think I am thawing out – the insulating cocoon of denial is wearing thin. The anesthesia of busy-ness and survival is wearing off. I am ‘coming to.’ And the pain is setting in.<br /><br />Perhaps it is just time that has created this. Maybe I am doing something to contribute to the pain. I just don’t know. All I know is that I feel so much pain all of the time. I even left in the middle of church today. I couldn’t even focus on what was being said.<br /><br />Maybe I am being too busy, just starting home-based business. But I even felt the pain before, as I came home from work and just sat on the couch watching TV until bedtime. I miss my friends in my old neighborhood. I miss my home. I MISS MY FAMILY. I MISS MY LIFE!<br /><br />Don’t get me wrong. I have been SO blessed with my job and home. I know I am where I need to be. But everything that was my life is now gone. My husband, my family, my home, my friends, my reputation, my security, my companionship, my routine. Gone. Forever gone. <br /><br />I have started reading scriptures again, and I must say it is painful. So much about being ‘cast off’ and the punishment of the unrighteous. I still love my ex so much, and it hurts to realize that he really, truly is sinning, living outside of God’s law. That hurts so much. He doesn’t believe he will be punished. But I know that he has broken up a family. He has let us ALL down. He has shaken the very foundation of his children’s belief in love, family and God. He has chosen his selfish gratification over a commitment to God and to me and to our children. That is so hard for me to overlook. <br /><br />I DO NOT believe he has a choice about his same-sex attraction. But I absolutely believe he had and HAS a choice about how to react to it. Once he married me and we had children, he should have forever put that aside… as hard as that may sound. Just think of the people who have put their desires aside for God (think about missionaries, monks and nuns, to name a few) or because of physical or mental defects. <br /><br />Not everyone can have the love they want. Look at me. I will never know what it means to be totally and completely loved. Never ever. I know that. That hurts. He never even gave me the chance to try to love him. He never was honest with me until it was too late and he already had someone else to love him. How very, very unfair of him.<br /><br />I think of our youngest son, in his senior year of high school, living with his dad and his boyfriend. What a nightmare for our son! In fact, my ex told me that our son has been staying with a friend in our old neighborhood during the school week. I got so upset because my ex hasn’t even talked the friend’s mom, to make sure it was ok with her. I finally shamed him into calling the mom, who said they loved having our son there. Then today ex told me that our son is at the Dunes with a ‘bunch of kids’ – which means he has no idea who our son is with. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that he cares so little for our son.<br /><br />My son and I have talked lately, and I totally understand how frustrated he is with his dad’s boyfriend, and how he blames the BF for breaking up our family. My ex even let his BF ‘discipline’ our son, which I totally disagreed with. Finally our son and the BF had a huge fight, ending in a nasty letter from the BF and then silence between the two of them. So where was my ex in all of this… AWOL as usual. Maybe he even likes being fought over!<br /><br />Can my ex really be this selfish???? Is he really that low and lazy and disdainful of everyone but himself? I guess the answer is in his actions. Yes, he is that selfish. He is willing to give up everything for someone to takes hikes with, and go to concerts, and make gingerbread houses at a gay couples Christmas party, and whatever…. It makes me sick. He gave it all up… yet says he ‘sees himself alone’ and wishes he could be by himself and not have anyone else to have to deal with. <br /><br />I feel so used. I feel so foolish and so discarded. I feel like so much of my life was wasted. What a joke I must be to him. What a sorry, sick joke. What am I thinking? How can I even talk to him civilly after what he has done to all of us? He has used his gayness as a shield to cover his own vanity and selfishness and total disregard of everyone but himself, and I have swallowed the hook. How stupid can I be???<br /><br />I watch my married daughter and her new husband fight and compete and make each other miserable… and wonder why they stay together. What can possibly keep that relationship alive? But I of all people know the answer… it is fantasy. If you make believe long enough, you can almost see a relationship where there is nothing but mutual deception and using each other. I am as guilty as my ex in this. I wanted the security, the home, the normality of it all, in spite of the fact that for years it had been quite hollow and empty. <br /><br />But having children changes it all. We should have been able to put it all aside for them. How many generations have we messed up? How much pain have we spawned? How much heartache, and doubt, and pain? And for what? Is my ex happier now? I don’t think so. <br /><br />I am happier that he has told the truth. But I really have just traded one pain for another. It is just a nightmare. No one wins. No one. <br /><br />He is gay. He could never love me. He lied to me about E V E R Y T H I N G… about GOD, about LOVE, about FOREVER. HE LIED. HE CHEATED. HE DIDN’T CARE. HE GAVE US ALL AWAY. Nothing I can do will ever change that. I have been blaming all of this on his gayness. But it is not about his gayness. It is about his character. He cheated. He lied. That is character, not sexual orientation. <br /><br />I DO believe at first he didn’t want to do it. But he didn’t fight it. He didn’t tell me. He just gave in. He had sex with who knows how many other men? God, it makes me sick. HE HAD SEX WITH OTHER MEN. He kissed them. He held them. He caressed them. The he came home to me, and our children, and his Sunday School lesson. What kind of man does that??????<br /><br />I don’t know how I am going to get over this. I long for the sense of love and understanding and la-la-land I have had for the past year. But it is gone. In its place is a raw, oozing pain that is slowing bleeding all of the love out of me. I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to do this. <br /><br />I want my life back, even it is only a fantasy. I want my family. I want my dreams. I want my LIFE. I want those promises fulfilled. I want my life. I want it back. I want this to all end. I want it all to be over. <br /><br />I want to go back to our temple marriage and make it work… to be skinnier or to be more honest or to be more kind or to SOMEHOW make him STRAIGHT enough to LOVE me and NEVER LEAVE me and our children and our God.<br /><br />X, how how how can you do this to me? To us? To our kids? Is it worth it? Is it? What now? How long will this last? How long will you be happy? When will this pain hit you? When will you wake up from your dream and see your life decaying around you? This is truly hell… to see what could have been, yet is no more.<br /><br />I dreamed last night. In my dream, you took me and a baby boy to a gay bar. When you saw some of your friends, you stood up to go see them and our beautiful, precious son, who had been on your lap, fell to the floor. When I asked you how you could do that, you said, “That is just how I am. He understands I am gay. He is not hurt. He is fine.” And you smiled at this little baby and bounced him on your knee…<br /><br />Is that the way you feel? Really? Like everything is ok? How can you ever make it ok? How can it ever be ok? If it was just you and I it would be different. But we have three children. THREE CHILDREN and generations that will be affected. This is the family curse. Broken families. Infidelity. Pain. Hurt. And I so desperately wanted to be the one to break the chain of hurt and secrets in my life. <br /><br />So where do we go from here? What do we do now? WE???? There is no we. There never has been.<br /><br />How do I function with such debilitating pain and sorrow and anger? It consumes me and drowns me. It is inside of me and all around me… <br /><br />And how do I do it ALL ALONE? Rejected. Discarded. What do I do now?"</em><br /><br /><br />This journal entry was written four years ago by the same woman that posted the Anonymous Letter to an Anonymous Wildflower two posts back. Time does heal. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and, no, it is NOT another oncoming train.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-41974197242726317962009-05-12T15:55:00.000-07:002009-05-12T16:02:47.842-07:00Anonymous Email To An Anonymous WildflowerYeah, there is a lot of "Anonymous" on this blog - which is as it should be when there are spouses and children involved. This was written by a woman in our group to a new member going through the big blow up. So happy she was willing to share...<br /><br /><em>"First of all, I want to let you know how much light and strength and beauty I see in you! AMAZING! You look at real life, not sugar coating it, but still manage to beautifully maintain your boundaries, protect yourself and your kids, negotiate the thorny and painful relationship with the LDS Church, and move forward with your life. WOW.<br /><br />I am here to tell you that, five years post-divorce my life has unfolded to beauty and joy and FUN that I never dared to dream before. And I am freakin' 56 years old! I have learned that I CAN support myself financially and thrive and make a professional name for myself, even though I didn't finish my degree... yet.<br /><br />I have seen my children emerge from a complete shattering of their lives after seeing their "righteous" Mormon dad come out, watching the marriage and family seemingly end, losing our big "rich" house and lifestyle, etc... They were teenagers when it all happened. Now three of the four are happily married or in a long-term (heterosexual) relationships. And my 21 year old "baby" and I finally have a great relationship. They love both their mom and gay dad. I did NOT lose my family. I just let go of the SICKNESS that was created by lies and craziness... and the beauty of our real connection has flourished.<br /><br />AND... I have found STRAIGHT love and sex is UNBELIEVABLE! My Wildflowers sisters are shocked, I know. I was the "Mother Theresa" - celibate, never kissed a guy for nearly 5 years after my divorce. But I really believe that for each of us there is a healing for every wound. And it has been amazing to FEEL desired and sexy and connected. It really is truer than you know that the cause of your feelings of not being desired and loved is on HIS side of the bed, not yours. If a 56 year old, overweight, borderline frigid woman like me can experience a renewal of the paradisaical glory like I have, Honey, there is hope for you!<br /><br />There is a future so bright for you. As bright as your darkest days were dark. Brighter even.<br /><br />I am still navigating my relationship with the Mormon Church. I see things from such a different perspective. Thanks to Emily's mom, Carol Lynn, just a short year ago, I reconnected to the "feminine divine" - that eternal, powerful, healing, comforting Mother who has altered my life forever. I have reconnected with my own highest self. I have been led to energy work and the amazing transformation that can happen in our lives. I am working on returning to school to get my Masters and open a therapy practice - which I have wanted to do ALL of my life. But now is the right time for me. <br /><br />Life is as different for me now as the soaring butterfly that looks down at the little fuzzy caterpillars in the garden and wonders, "Was that REALLY what I used to be???" Yet as a caterpillar I loved the soft dirt under my little feet, and the green leaves. Now I fly on the air and drink nectar. Yet I am the same person, the same being. But transformed. <br /><br />Oh my gosh, I just looked out my window and a HUGE yellow swallowtail butterfly was outside of my office. COOL! It's a sign!<br /><br />You are in what I call "goo time" - in the chrysalis, a caterpillar literally dissolves into goo. Then a few "imaginal" cells somehow transform their DNA, and the rest of the goo follows transforming cell by cell until a butterfly forms. <br /><br />Goo time is not fun. The whole world seems unfamiliar. You feel stuck or that life is unraveling or that nothing is happening. Yet deep within the fiber of your life and soul, 'imaginal cells' are leading the way for the new person you will be. Be patient, have bright hope, follow your intuition, surround yourself with those whose energy will activate and hasten the transformation. It is already happening.<br /><br />I don't for a minute discount the pain you are going through, or the hard work you will have to do. But you will be ok, I promise. MORE than ok. <br /><br />AND - no matter how messed up you think this will make your kids; they will also heal and transform. There is a happy ending. I have been down the road ahead of you, and I am here to tell you, it will be there for you.<br /><br />Take care, and keep in touch. You are loved!</em>Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-26296809693325750112009-03-20T11:12:00.000-07:002009-03-20T11:13:57.074-07:00AffirmationDear God: <br /><br />The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong and I love her. <br /><br />Help her live her life to the fullest. <br /><br />Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. <br /><br />Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. <br /><br />Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most <br /><br />And let her know when she walks with you.. <br /><br />She will always be safe.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-25403705636733073122009-02-27T08:33:00.000-08:002009-02-27T08:40:40.427-08:00Lost And FoundTo me one of the hardest things about staying married to a gay man for any length of time is that, once you have been given the full information, you are dragged into his closet and forced to live there with him. Suddenly you are living with this secret, and the shattering pain and humiliation it is causing you, pretty much isolated and completely alone. Often, understandably, he doesn't want you to tell anyone while he either experiments and figures out what he is going to do or stays closeted forever in an attempt to live the life of a straight man. <br /><br />Every single thing suddenly becomes about, and revolves around, his "issue." It eclipses everything. All other marital problems, those that any couple deals with, are swept under the rug or filed under the category of "Because He is Gay" and become too big and confusing to deal with and work on. It consumes our every waking thought and often our sleep as well. It affects how we look at ourselves and our lives and how we do nearly everything. It is hard enough for women to not lose themselves completely in marriage and motherhood but when we find out, or finally face the fact, that our husbands are gay - it is nearly impossible to not disappear completely.<br /><br />We find ourselves being held hostage in his closet. The clothes are his. The smells are his. The shoes are his. It is dark and frightening and miserable. The worst part is that we let HIM have the key and we wait for HIM to decide whether or not we ever get to come out. Unless a woman has been there, it is impossible to understand the despair this situation brings. <br /><br />Whether we decide to leave the marriage or stay - it is imperative that we rescue ourselves, separate ourselves from his sexuality and reclaim who we are. If you are a woman that has chosen to live with him in his closet I cannot recommend highly enough that you not blast the "He's gay" information from the rooftops but share the situation with ONE trusted friend or relative. I do believe that every gay person deserves to come out to who they want when they want and that their privacy should absolutely be protected. BUT the wife of a gay man desperately needs at least one person to confide in and get support from. Talk to <span style="font-style:italic;">someone</span>. <br /><br />And if you choose to stay - Honey, you take your freaking sledge hammer to that closet and expand it into the biggest walk in anyone has ever seen. Put in windows and vaulted ceilings and shelves and artwork and your clothing and your perfume and every alive and beautiful thing that screams YOU because this is your life too and remaining lost is no longer an option. <br /><br />There are many, many painful problems that accompany marriages between gay and straight people but I think we often make it mean more than it really does. We let it be far bigger than it is and let it eclipse more than we should. Is it confusing and painful as hell? Without question. But does it mean what we make it mean - that we are not attractive, desirable, beautiful, talented, fun, alive and worthy of love? NO. It simply means he is gay and we do with that what we will. We claim for ourselves what we will.<br /><br />Still married, separated or divorced the trick, and task, is to find ourselves again. Take out old pictures and remember who you were before he came into your life. Pick up old musical instruments and hobbies. Put on music. Dance. Run. Eat chocolate. Have as many Girl's Nights Out as you can. Paint your toenails bright red. Stare at your naked body in the mirror and have a conversation with it. I am not kidding. Tell your body that it is beautiful and desirable <span style="font-style:italic;">because</span> it is female - not<span style="font-style:italic;"> in spite</span> of that fact. Do this every day until you believe it. Slather yourself with yummy lotion. Buy pretty lingerie just for YOU. Read books that YOU like. See movies that YOU like. Prepare food that YOU like. <br /><br />Remember that this is your life and you are ultimately here on this planet for you. The birds sing for you. The breeze blows for you. The flowers bloom for you. The moon rises and the stars shine for you. The world is overflowing with joy and laughter and precious moments and miracles and gifts and party favors for you. <br /><br />And, guess what? It doesn't have one teeny, tiny, little, itty, bitty thing to do with him.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-68086221023596487112009-02-13T11:19:00.001-08:002009-02-14T10:11:33.777-08:00SHE...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEighlPFZhzTWWDbi4Pr72r6bfEHzfj2thNOuR7kJOeQN64R0cpx_41D1TWdluAxHgRiHQU4vEu04bMFacsVjQxaCb8ty-j9AfzCTocO2m_2eyF7z4TIpIQ1UfCdSyM3VcmFZ48ehDT_hQbF/s1600-h/heart.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEighlPFZhzTWWDbi4Pr72r6bfEHzfj2thNOuR7kJOeQN64R0cpx_41D1TWdluAxHgRiHQU4vEu04bMFacsVjQxaCb8ty-j9AfzCTocO2m_2eyF7z4TIpIQ1UfCdSyM3VcmFZ48ehDT_hQbF/s320/heart.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302712739947813362" /></a><br />Happy Valentines Day you beautiful, wild women! I am here to remind you that, regardless of your single / divorced status - whether you have a gay husband, new straight husband, boyfriend or if you are totally independent this year - today is a day to remember to fall deeper and deeper in love with YOU. Celebrate being a woman. Celebrate all the glorious, sexy, wonderful and vibrant things that you are. <br /><br />The following is the text of a favorite gift book, by Kobi Yamada [Compendium publishing], that I keep by my bed. I cannot recommend it highly enough. If you're able, grab one for yourself and every woman you know and love. <br /><br />Happy Love Yourself Day!!!<br /><br /><em><strong>SHE...</strong></em><br /><br />CELEBRATE HER PASSION...<br />She loved life and it loved her right back.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER WISDOM...<br />She listened to her heart above all the other voices.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER PRIORITIES...<br />She pursued big dreams instead of small realities.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER RESILIENCY...<br />She saw every ending as a new beginning.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER SELF-ESTEEM...<br />She discovered her real measurements had nothing to do with numbers or statistics.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER TENDERNESS...<br />She was kind, loving and patient with herself.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER ACCOUNTABILITY...<br />She woke up one day and threw away all her excuses.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER SPIRIT...<br />She realized that she was missing a great deal by being sensible.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER GOALS...<br />She turned her cant's into cans, and her dreams into plans. <br /><br />CELEBRATE HER INDEPENDENCE...<br />She ignored people who said it couldn't be done.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER MAGIC...<br />She had a way of turning obstacles into opportunities.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER FAITH...<br />She went out on a limb, had it break off behind her, and discovered she could fly.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER SELF-RELIANCE...<br />She discovered that she was the one she'd been waiting for.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER PRESENCE...<br />She added so much beauty to being human.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER FRIENDSHIP...<br />She walked in when everyone else walked out.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER RADIANCE...<br />She just had this way of brightening the day.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER WARMTH...<br />She made the whole world feel like home.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER CHOICES...<br />She decided to enjoy more and endure less.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER FREEDOM...<br />She decided to start living the life she'd imagined. <br /><br />CELEBRATE HER OPTIMISM...<br />She colored her thoughts with only the brightest hues.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER BRILLIANCE...<br />She was an artist and her life was her canvas.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER BRAVERY...<br />She ran ahead where there were no paths.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER JOIE DE VIVRE...<br />She crossed borders, recklessly, refusing to recognize limits, saying bonjour and buon giorno as though she owned both France and Italy and the day itself.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER STRENGTH...<br />She held her head high and looked the world straight in the eye.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER COMPASSION...<br />She not only saw a light at the end of the tunnel, she became that light for others.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER JOY...<br />She designed a life she loved.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER DARING...<br />She took the leap and built her wings on the way down.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER HAPPINESS...<br />She said bye-bye to unhealthy relationships.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER AUTHENTICITY...<br />She remained true to herself.<br /><br />CELEBRATE HER...<br />She made the world a better place.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-61351419248019956122009-02-11T11:33:00.000-08:002009-02-11T11:37:44.364-08:00The Absolutely True Ballad Of Tommy and MollyI cannot tell you the absolute glee that filled my being when, not only was I told this unbelievably ridiculous tale, but was given permission to blog it. <br /><br />Tommy, NOT his real name, is a friend of mine. Molly, NOT her real name either, is not - although she should be. She soooo needs me. Except, if this woman were my friend I would seriously have to hit her with something heavy that smelled of old cheese - so never mind. I swear that every word of this is true. And I suspect that, as painful as it is to admit it, a few of us - including my formerly mindless self - can relate.<br /><br /><strong>Back Story:</strong> Tommy and Molly were friends in high school. Not close friends but they did attend a school dance together. She is now a single returned Mormon missionary in her thirties, Primary President (Primary is the church program for children), and proud cat owner. Tommy is a big, beautiful gay man who is about as Mormon as I am and has been in a solid and enviable relationship for nine years. <br /><br />So, Molly contacts Tommy on Facebook and asks him if he ever got the message she left with his father. No, he did not. Seems she has been trying to find him, needs to talk to him and, clearly, sees the Facebook connection as a sign that their reunion is "meant to be."<br /><br />Tommy is on Facebook one night and Molly sends him an Instant Message. "Can I call you?" Tommy..." Um... I guess."<br /><br />11:30 PM. Phone rings.<br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Hello?<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> Hi Tommy, it's Molly. <br /><br />[Chit chat about Primary and cats. Then...]<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> I have something I want to ask you. Kathy told me you are gay. Is that true?<br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Yes, it's true. I am gay.<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> Well... [pause] How gay are you?<br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Um... pretty much as gay as you can get. <br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> Have you ever acted on it? <br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Yep. Pretty much for the past ten years. <br /><br />[Quiet]<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> I have to tell you something weird.<br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Okay...<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> I've been having this dream about you for the past year.<br /><br />[Quiet]<br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Okay...<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> My dream is, basically, that we should be more than friends. <br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Um... what does that mean?<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> I think... that we are eternal companions.<br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Um... well... I'm <em>gay</em>.<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> Well, I talked to my bishop about it and he said that I should talk to you about my dream - about us being more that just friends. <br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> [Stunned silence.]<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> I really think we are meant to be. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says that I met my eternal companion in the pre-existence and that if he doesn't make the right choices I will be alone. Are you willing to make the right choices, Tommy? Are you willing to use the Atonement? Are you willing to erase your sin so that we can be together? Because... I'd be willing to help you work through it. <br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> I'm very flattered but... I Am Gay. And I'm very happy in my relationship. I don't feel like it's a sin and I'm really comfortable with where I'm at. <br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> Well, I really feel like this is my destiny and I'm afraid that you're going to mess it up. <br /><br /><strong>Tommy:</strong> Um, Molly, I don't really know what else to say. It's late and this really isn't a good time...<br /><br /><strong>Molly:</strong> Remember that I am the Primary President and would love to have you come to church with me so you can learn from those pure little souls and follow their example...<br /><br />Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!<br /><br />Ladies... do I really need to ask? What is WRONG with this picture???Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-67192256070319731662009-02-01T16:45:00.000-08:002009-02-02T17:37:21.683-08:00More Advice For Yet Another Young Woman<em>Hi there, I'm an LDS gal actually living [abroad] right now. But roots in the states and in Utah and all. Anyways, several weeks ago, my boyfriend who is also LDS told me that he wonders if he's not gay. I had been pretty unhappy in the relationship for a while but it had been amazingly wonderful so I was holding out for something to change. I didn't understand why things had changed and when he told me everything just made sense. I truly did think that I was going to marry him and then.... bombshell. Obviously couldn't really talk to anyone that I knew about it because that would be betraying his trust. But the consequences of this for me have been a little more than I could handle by myself.<br /><br />Since he told me initially we've had several really good conversations which brought things out in the open a little more. I learned that he doesn't think that he's completely gay but rather just that he notices attractive men and women. And that it started about a year after his dad ran off with another woman while he was a<br />teenager. But it's making things really difficult for him now. He's angry with his father and blames him.<br /><br />Fear not, if any of you are about ready to jump up and yell "don't marry him!!" that's pretty far from my thoughts right now. I think that it could be a possibility for the very very very distant future but I'm not holding out for it and I know that we'll break up when I come back to the states. My concern right now is that I feel like I have a responsibility to help him. I really do think that there's a reason that God put us together right now. He doesn't have a whole lot of people in his life that care about him and the fact that he trusts me means that he's come a long way. He wants to make the right decision - he wants to stay in the church and have a family and all that but I think he doesn't know how to get to that point from where<br />he is now. And I think he feels pretty alone. I want so much to provide at least a happy aspect of his life while he struggles with this but I'm worried about getting pulled down too.<br /><br />The story is a little more involved than this, but that's a good summary for now.<br /><br />From what I understand you are a wonderful group and I hope that everything is going well for all of you! Any advice that you might have for either him or me would both be extremely welcome. Thanks, Laurie.</em> [Not her real name.]<br /><br /><strong>Julie</strong> <br /><br />As for my advice at present, it sounds like you are thinking pretty well. Just remember to take care of YOU. One commonality with all the men is that they slowly and I mean slowly they take your life away and take away who you are. Stay strong and keep yourself as number 1. Help but from a distance. Don't fall into that trap that he has no one. You are not responsible to take care of him and make it all better for him. Take care of you first. It is an awful place to wake up one day and realize that who you are is lost....very hard to find yourself again....ask the ladies.<br /><br /><strong>Patti</strong><br /><br />Welcome.<br /><br />How brave of your friend to be honest with you and with himself. He has more courage than so many of our spouses could find. That isn't, by the way, necessarily a criticism, it is more a sign of the times that so many of us experienced.<br /><br />You're right, the abbreviated response from me will be, "Do not marry him." Period. End of discussion.<br /><br />You can be his friend. He trusted you with something very special. He can never, EVER, be the kind of husband you want him to be. He can never, EVER, be the kind of husband that he knows you want him to be. Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances. The reality of his sexuality is too much to ask of any couple.<br /><br />He has a tough road ahead of him, being a gay LDS man. I'm sure he knows that in some ways. No one other than those who have lived it as a str8 LDS wife know what you can be facing.<br /><br />Yes, you were brought together for a reason. I'll be very bold and suggest that the reason was NOT for you to be his wife.<br /><br />This is a sequence of events that I would not wish on anyone. My children would agree.<br /><br />Be his friend. Be his sounding board. DO NOT try to be his therapist. Go about distancing from him in a way that is healthy for you first. So many of us are "fixers". It is in our nature. I believe it is part and parcel to what made us appealing to our gay spouses. We go about our lives trying to nurture/mother/fix that which needs attention...often to our own detriment. We've been taught for too long that taking care of ourselves is somehow selfish, so we "do" for everyone else. It can be a slippery slope. I lost myself in my marriage. I lost myself in making "lemonade out of lemons." I wanted so desperately to improve upon the not-rightness in our marriage. I also wanted to be married. I was so good at it. In the end, the marriage died a slow and painful death and wanted to go the way of the marriage. Thirty years is a long time to live a one-sided lie.<br /><br /><strong>D--.</strong><br /><br />You can count your lucky stars that you have found all of us, because we have gone the full gamut of knowing sometimes from the outset (like me) about our husband’s orientation and thinking that our love would conquer all. And for others finding out later and still discovering that no amount of 'working at it' or feeling that you were meant for each other, or we connect so well, or we just love each other to death will ever be enough for him to put this aside, because it cannot be put aside, or put up with, or changed. If anything as the years progress it seems that this only gets stronger and stronger for the men, until they feel they cannot do anything else but to act out, get divorced or stay miserable, trapped in a very unloving relationship which is unfair to both parties. So give yourself a huge present and find a completely heterosexual male - you do not need this problem ever in a marriage, there are too many others that are deserving to be worked on and that result in wonderful fulfilling years.<br /><br />I agree with Patti that we are such fixers and this cannot be fixed, believe us, many of us have tried for as long as 25 years. You deserve and should be blessed with a wonderful YOU. Worry about yourself and finding that which gives you purpose and offers service in this world. <br /><br />We care about you and hope you will find our harsh reality filled only with sincere love for you - no one should suffer the pain, anguish and hurt that we and our children have experienced because of this same-sex orientation, that results in a crisis of identity (for the men) and behavior that destroys family units.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-43199615983419366422009-01-12T12:15:00.000-08:002009-01-12T15:24:59.376-08:00Jeni - One Year Later"The past year has been a bumpy road to say the least but I feel like things are finally starting to get back on track. After much convincing on his behalf, I agreed to marry the man that I told the Wildflowers about. I loved him very much and I was convinced that if I could just remove him from the circumstances he had surrounded himself with and offer him a fresh start, we would be alright. <br /><br />Two weeks before our wedding date and the night before he was supposed to move from Utah to California into our new house, he called everything off because he had met a new man. Naturally, I was beyond devastated - but this time something new happened to me that hadn't happened all the other times that I had been mistreated, used and deceived by him - I got angry. Anger proved to be the cure to my blindness and gullibility and the key to my self-empowerment. <br /><br />I am dating somebody new now that is a wonderfully honest and patient man. He suffers a lot for the damage I received from the five years I spent in my previous relationship, but he is good and loving and willing to wait for time to heal me. I have seen my ex once since we broke up but now that I am happy with somebody new, he of course has tried to break back into my life anyway he can - making promises and more promises that now I know he will never keep. He claims he has been in therapy and getting help for his SSA and the damage that has been inflicted on him but I also know that he is still unwilling to give up his old life and his old connections. <br /><br />I never got the chance to thank you and the Wildflowers for the support that you provided me. Compared to many of the stories I heard from fellow Wildflower women, I know that I am relatively lucky that I got out when I did. It was still, however, the darkest period in my life. I cannot express to you how comforting it was just to know that there were other women out there going through the same thing I was experiencing."Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-74837782760655927102009-01-08T08:00:00.000-08:002009-01-08T14:54:40.130-08:00Would You Do It Again?I was recently asked to give advice to a young woman in love with an admittedly gay young man who keeps asking her to marry him. Oh boy...<br /><br />For starters, let me refer ya'll to an email I received a few years ago from a young woman (published with her permission - but name changed), and the responses several women in our group gave her. <br /><br /><br />"I just recently discovered the We Are Wildflowers web site and read several stories about incredibly strong woman and their gay husbands. I can't tell you the impact it had on me. I felt by reading these stories, I was seeing a preview of my own life fifteen years down the road. My name is Jeni. I am 21 years old and very recently graduated from BYU. My best friend, boyfriend and soul mate of the past three years, told me two months and four days ago that is he gay (it feels like so much longer.) He has been involved in gay relationships for nine months. I know that the magnitude of other women's emotions and hurt must far exceed mine since there were actually married but so much of what was said describes my relationship with terrifying accuracy. His incessant cycle of leaving and coming back, wanting to be together or not, claiming to be willingly to do whatever it takes and then backing out, is the roller coaster we live on right now. We were never officially engaged but we were supposed to get married in September of this year. We are currently living together as, probably, a very foolish way to become even closer and see if we stand any chance at all of being able to make this work long term. I love this man to the depths of my soul. He is very honest with me now about all the homosexual activities he engages in and I've even gone so far as to meet and spend time with some of his "friends" just to try and make things a little easier for both of us. We have even gone to counseling a few times together. He is at the crossroads of deciding if we can make it work together or if he needs to live the other life. I am at the precarious position of knowing as a result of numerous confirmations, that we were meant to be together and weighing this against the undeniable fact that he is actively gay. I love him. He is my best friend. I know him inside and out. I guess my one question is, knowing everything that you guys know and experiencing everything you've all been through, if you were back at the point in your life where I am now at, would you do it all again? I am very interested in talking to whom ever has time and is willing to share their experiences with me. From what I can tell, this group seems amazing and exactly the help and direction I've been frantically searching for. It is so hard to not have anyone who understands to talk about this with." <br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Tammy:</strong> <br /><br />I would advise her not to marry him. She can be a good friend because in the end that is what he will be...either that or worse someone she will resent the rest of her life. Men who play the back and forth game will never be able to give her the peace and feeling of trust and security she deserves. I would tell her that if she loves him and wants to be a part of his life be his friend. If she marries him she will probably have an unfulfilled sex life as well as her emotional needs may not get taken care of either. So it is better that they remain friends. <br /><br />The authorities of the church have counseled those with SSA [Same Sex Attraction] not to marry until the issue has been properly addressed and if he has been living an active gay life for 9 months he is not resolved. If I were to go back I wouldn't do it again and this is the first time I can say that without wondering. It is too hard. People say but you got your kids out of this. Well I believe I would have had them anyway. I may have just had a supportive loving husband here to help me and then maybe even make love to me in the evening after the kids went to bed.<br /><br /><strong>Julie:</strong> <br /><br />Jeni, my only thought has been to add a different dimension to your thoughts. I think about my kids. I would NEVER DO THIS AGAIN for all the pain that it has caused them. They are about to both have birthdays and be 6 and 4. Two boys. They have been through so much and I'd never do it again to them. I'd go through so much sadness and pain and whatever I had to in walking away from the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, my whatever if it meant sparing children pain and struggles. <br /><br />I didn't think about children really before I got married. I didn't know my ex was gay, but I did know he couldn't tell me that he loved me. He couldn't connect with me emotionally. We were everything else and he had "good reasons" and "explanations" why he couldn't connect the way I could. I only thought about me and thought that I'd just be fine, I'd struggle through it, I'd be able to change that in him, if I loved him enough and expressed it to him......I regret that I never thought about how his lack of emotional giving would effect our boys. That is one regret that I will always, always have. There is nothing I can do about it. I fight that everyday... the effects of that are devastating. And I would NEVER EVER do that again.<br /><br />So those are my small thoughts for you. Sacrifice yourself is so much better and easier than seeing your children suffer each day. My boys are better than they were 2 years ago, but it has been such a hard fight and it will be a fight for their entire lives. I am sorry that I have done that to them.<br /><br /><strong>Debi:</strong> <br /><br />You are so wise to be seeking advice and support at this stage of your relationship. And this is, without any doubt, the very best place to find it. Jim, my husband of 26 years came out to me in January of this year. We have 4 children, two boys ages 25 and 22, and 2 daughters, ages 20 and 16.<br /><br />I would TOTALLY agree with everything that has been said up to this point about the pain and emotional disconnection and wreckage for your children. I have lived with depression, despair and loneliness for at least 20 of those years. My children have struggled, also, with depression and even drug/alcohol abuse. They are now struggling with a divorce, seeing their formerly ‘active’ LDS father no longer attending church, and sorting out what all this means to them. We have always been considered an active, dependable family in our ward, clear up until January. Then, in one weekend, that all changed forever. Like Colleen said, quoting Dr. Phil – this is our “new normal.” But it is NOT what I dreamed of. I have had to grieve my dreams and let them go. <br /><br />Jim is truly my soul mate. I still love him and he tells me that I am the only woman he will ever love. But that was NOT enough. We both agreed that we had confirmation after confirmation that we were supposed to be together. I still am not sure what that meant. I DO know that it meant that we had a deep spiritual connection. <br /><br />Would I do it all again? That is impossible for me to even think about now. Like Julie, I grieve for my children and what this means for their lives. It is one thing to love a gay man, and quite a different thing to have a gay father. Because he was living a double life in secret (20 years of casual encounters and 7 months now of a committed relationship) that secrecy and lies became a slow poison that killed everything good in our family. I always blamed myself for the pain and lack of connection. Now I know it was his SSA that stood between us. <br /><br />Interestingly enough, I just got off the phone with Jim. I read your letter to him. He sighed a big sigh, and said, “Tell her I just can’t see how it can ever work. He could never deny who he is for her. It [SSA] is too strong. It is who he IS. No matter how much I wanted to be ‘normal’ it just can’t be. “SSA is real. It does not go away. There are sites that talk about “reorientation therapy” or “healing homosexuality.” I believe that some people may be able to repress or live with the SSA and choose to be married or live alone. But when you realize that most people with SSA have known it was part of their live since before they were FIVE years old… what are the chances that it will drastically change? <br /><br />All this being said, I get to your question of what should YOU do. Here is the answer… ready?,… NO ONE CAN TELL YOU. You have to follow your own path. But keep your eyes and heart open. One thing I can guarantee you is that you will have pain and grief, whether you marry him or not. It is part of life. But much of it is a choice. You have already made a choice that I think you are not happy with – to live with him. You have already started to give yourself away to him. KEEP yourself. A true relationship does not require one person to give up what they hold dear. And isn’t that what you are both requiring from each other? You are asking him to give up his yearning for masculine bonding, with the promise that you can replace it. You can’t. He is asking you to give up your hopes and dreams of a committed, faithful, worthy, mature husband. You can’t. You may marry him, but those dreams will still be written on your heart and will cause pain. You will see you children’s hearts broken. You will think you are making a difference, only to see it fall apart.<br /><br />I would suggest a separation from him to see if you truly love him, or if it is a toxic dependency. To be a real separation, you need to have NO contact from him, and no contact with places and things that you shared together. Find a friend who can cry with you and has an objective viewpoint. Grieve, get angry, work out scenarios, talk it through without the rose colored glasses.<br /><br /><strong>Patti:</strong> <br /><br />Dear Jeni,<br /><br />I haven't read anyone else's responses.<br /><br />Here's mine "STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />Be his friend, if you must, but DO NOT marry this man. Period.<br /><br />Yes, there ARE exceptions. Statistically those who remain "married" fall into the less-than-one-fifth category. Yes, you could be one of the couples who beats the odds. But you have to truly ask yourself if you want him to stay married because he has been guilted into it?<br /><br />I'm 53. My husband of 27 years told me he was gay in 1997. If I had known I would not have married him, particularly if I had been 19 NOW, in this climate that is thankfully at least a bit more exposed, educated and candid.<br /><br />He is a gay man. He may want to be str8. Wishing (and praying) won't make it so. It is very much like eye color. He can want to be blue-eyed because everyone who is considered "acceptable" or "normal" or fill-in-the-appropriate-descriptor, is blue eyed. He can wear contact lenses to change the appearance. He may be accepted as blue-eyed. The truth is, he still has brown eyes. He knows it.<br /><br />What it comes down to, I have learned, is TOUCH. It is the eagerness to touch and be touched. A kiss on the eyelids can be tenderer, more passionate, than "the act". We did not have that. My husband had the desire to be a husband/lover to me. It cannot be learned from a magazine or a video. It has to come from inside. It has to be instinctive. No wonder our sex life was so abysmal! There was no way he could ever be what I needed or what he needed. I was a virgin when I married. So was my husband. "Normal" for us, in terms of sexual intimacy was light-hearted kidding that I had the libido that he was supposed to have. I believed it. He was attentive. He was not passionate. He was dutiful, when necessary. He was actually fully engaged, it seemed, three times in those years. Why? Because he determined that it was time for us to have a/another child. This is NOT "normal." How do I know? Hindsight and real-life. <br /><br />I belong to another support group for str8 spouses. (The Straight Spouse Network). Since I became involved with them, have met hundreds of str8 spouses in person, and corresponded with hundreds more via a private website. With very few exceptions, the stories are the same for both str8 husbands and str8 wives. Sexual intimacy was rarely, if ever, "equal." A good marriage is not about sex. A good marriage IS about intimacy. It IS about implicit trust. I don't believe that it is either fair or realistic for either of you to expect there to be complete trust if you go forward with this man.<br /><br />Being gay isn't the problem, being closeted IS. Dragging some sweet sister or nice str8 priesthood holder to the temple hoping against hope that some miracle will occur is risky, unlikely, and wholly unfair to two otherwise wonderful people... before they have children. The legacy that this can leave for children cannot be described or measured IF the father/husband opts to behave in ways that are all-too-typical. (again, there are exceptions)<br /><br />I won't apologize for the candor. You have the most extraordinary chance to NOT live our lives. Grab it. Embrace it. Be grateful to him for having the courage to tell you the truth.<br /><br />Nothing you did made him gay. Nothing you can do or say will make him str8. Be his pal. You deserve something different. He will find his own way.<br /><br /><strong>Colleen:</strong> <br /><br />When I GREW UP I realized that there are many paths we can take in life--and one of the others would have been much healthier for ALL involved! Be his friend. Include him in your life. Get married and you and he can go out together with your spouses/partners. Now that I'm on the OTHER END--I see that friendship with him is so much better than marriage. <br /><br />When it all comes down to it--as I said--I COULDN'T do it again--I can't even consider would I do it again--as this broke me. It does take everything you are--it destroys your life and it destroys the relationship. I might be friends with my ex now--BUT it is by far different than it was . . . I see that we could have maintained a close friendship and not had this huge burden of pain. <br /><br /><strong>L.A.:</strong> <br /><br />Hi Jeni,<br /><br />First, I want to just give you a huge hug because what you're going through is so tough. Now for the bad news. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I would have to totally agree with what the others have said. I didn't know my husband was gay when I married him. If I had..... I still don't know what I would have done. I might well have married him anyway. BUT... knowing what I know now I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN. And it's not because I don't love him. We both agree that we love each other very much, but from this vantage point, there is so much missing from our marriage, so many painful, hurtful times that I didn't understand at the moment. We both would have been spared those. Not to mention the fact that after 15 years, it's not just about the 2 of us any more. Not only might my 4 children (ages 1 1/2-14) have to deal with the tragedy of divorce, but how hard would it be for my boys to have their dad "come out" to them right now, just when they are struggling through their own adolescence. <br /><br />I wish I could tell you that love will conquer all, but it just doesn't work that way in this world right now. The wisest (and unfortunately most painful in the short term) thing for you BOTH to do is to move on with your lives. You BOTH will be happier in the long run.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-27602005666754593142008-12-01T15:37:00.000-08:002008-12-01T15:38:02.516-08:00Emily: Memo From A Fairy Princess<a href="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t205/hotboxbetty/Used/wand-1.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 280px; height: 202px;" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t205/hotboxbetty/Used/wand-1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>I have, on many occasions, been called a Fag Hag. I HATE it. A hag is an old, saggy, smelly, toothless woman with warts on her nose and boobs around her ankles. And, I have already told you how I feel about the even worse term of <a href="http://dancingwithcrazy.blogspot.com/2007/06/b-word.html"> Beard. </a> Call me a Fag Hag and I will most likely kick you in the shin. Call me a Beard and I will run at you with a staple gun.<br /><br />A few years ago, people started referring to me as a Fruit Fly. I'm not sure that Fruit is a whole lot less offensive these days to gay men than Fag. And while Fly is a bit better than Hag, it is still a nasty, germy, annoying insect that starts out as larvae and eats poo. So, no. I reject Fruit Fly. <br /><br />If you have to stick a label on my forehead just because I love gay men, I have decided that the only acceptable one is Fairy Princess. I learned years ago that, if there is a gay man anywhere in the room, I do not get to be queen. And, while I have reclaimed the throne in my own home, I have accepted the title of lesser royal spiffiness in general. Hag and Fly are out. I am happy being a Fairy Princess. <br /><br />I am in good company. Margaret Cho kicks ass. Grace and Karen kept us all laughing for years. On TV and in film, the Princesses are fun and brash and as snarky as the Queens whose trains they carry. But, in real life, I am finding cause for concern. <br /><br />I had already been musing over this topic then had a conversation with my cousins at Thanksgiving that really got me thinking. They have a friend that has been engaged to be married, in the Mormon Temple, for about ten years to a guy that is clearly gay. Everyone in his world knows that he is gay. Everyone in her world knows that he is gay. I'm guessing that he has a fairly good idea but is clinging to his safety net for dear life. She gets violently outraged if anyone dares bring up the subject. They have come close but he calls it off at the last minute. They don't have sex - and this woman is freaking gorgeous. Like, Supermodel right off the pages gorgeous. She is completely devoted to him and won't even think of dating anyone else. They started dating when she was a teenager. Now she is in her late twenties and, looks like, will dangle until the end of time. <br /><br />He has said: I love you but I won't marry you. I won't ever marry anyone but you and I want you to have my children - but I won't marry you. He lives his own separate life that she has no part of and she keeps dangling. They see one another now once every week or two and she keeps dangling. He won't marry her but they stay engaged and she keeps dangling. <br /><br />BARF.<br /><br />Man, I rode that Merry Go Round from Hell for a long time and it is beyond dizzying. And it is a waste of life. I know a few women that fell in love with gay men in their early twenties, got engaged, then the guy broke it off, came out, broke her heart and they remained best friends for decades and the women never really moved on to find their own relationships with straight men that could love them the way they deserve to be loved. I totally get it. Gay men can be amazingly lovable and charming and sensitive and funny. We fall in love with them then stay best friends after the heartbreak because we can. We love their subsequent boyfriends. We take trips with them, spend holidays with them. We never stop loving them because we don't have to. We still love them and they still love us. We will always be the only woman they ever loved and that thought is intoxicating. <br /><br />And we can't move on because once we have been in love with a gay man, we expect straight men to be just like them. Only straight. We look for, and expect, straight gay men to come into our lives and shop and cook with us, throw fabulous Oscar parties with us, yell bitchy things at all the contestants in the Miss America Pageant and sing show tunes on road trips with us. <br /><br />And then, year after year, we go to bed alone. <br /><br />I finally learned for myself. And I discovered straight men. Hallelujah. And I learned to have the reality check conversation with myself when I started dating someone that wasn't "gay man" enough. Memo to all Princesses everywhere: it is time to put down the Queen's train and wave your magic wand on your own behalf. Spend <span style="font-style:italic;">at least</span> as much time with straight men as with your gay friends. Learn to appreciate and celebrate straight men for all the incredible things that they are and give. (That rant to come at a later time...) <br /><br />A gay man will decorate your body head to toe like none other but will never love it like a straight man will. A gay man will love your soul with all his heart but will never let it live there. <br /><br />Go ahead and love your gay friends all you want. March for their rights and support them in being all the wonderful things that they are. But, don't forget yourself. Don't forget that you deserve to be loved too - that you have a life to live too. Trust me, nothing is better than coming home from a night out at the gay clubs and crawling into bed with your very own cowboy. <br /><br />Just make sure he has never spent time on Brokeback Mountain.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-32130848689246865022008-10-13T09:15:00.000-07:002008-10-13T09:16:33.580-07:00Emily: A Threat To Whose Marriage?<a href="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t205/hotboxbetty/Used/Corpse_Bride.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t205/hotboxbetty/Used/Corpse_Bride.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Last week the Salt Lake Tribune published a <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/Opinion/ci_10661611"> letter to the editor </a> that I wrote, quite a while ago actually, in response to Mr B's response to my mother. <br /><br />It really does baffle me that people actually view gay marriage as a threat to the institution of marriage and the family. People are terrified of absolutely nothing. Heterosexuals have already run the institution of marriage into the ground. It has become a freaking joke! Those to whom it is not a joke, and those that take their marriages seriously and hold them sacred, are not affected in the least by the rest of the straight population that don't. They just go about their lives ignoring those that make a mockery of marriage saying, "That's not my problem it's theirs," or "That's too bad, but it has nothing to do with <em>my</em> marriage." It will be the same with gay marriage. Gay people will marry and it won't make any difference to straights. We will still go about our lives and relationships. <br /><br />In fact, up front it will create a slew of couples that are celebrating the institution in a way we straights don't because we take it for granted. These couples, many of whom have been together for years, have been denied something that they desire with their whole hearts and souls and you better believe that they will take it seriously. Will there be divorces? Sure there will. But, there are divorces now and it doesn't affect the rest of the married population. <br /><br />Will children have to learn that gays can marry? That homosexual marriage is an option? Yep. But, they learn about homosexuality anyway. Guess what Internetland? Homosexuality isn't going anywhere. They're here, they're queer - get used to it! It is every family's job to educate their own children and then the kids just have to use their own brains and hearts and figure things out for themselves. That is happening anyway - regardless of whether or not gay marriage is legalized. Which it will be. If not today, one day. Just like with women's rights, just like with civil rights - it will happen.<br /><br />The only real threat lies in NOT allowing gays to marry one another. It lies in continuing to believe that homosexuality is something that can and should be healed. Because then there continue to be marriages like mine, like my parents, like the women in my Wildflowers Group, like far too many couples out there. Families continue to be torn apart by divorce - and the fall out for both the gay and the straight spouse and the children is horribly painful. Parents and siblings continue to disown gay family members and families continue to lose gay loves ones to suicide because they swallowed the poison they were fed about who they are and what they are worth. Those are the <em>only</em> threats to families that truly exist. <strong>I promise.</strong><br /><br />* * *<br /><strong><br />A letter from a Wildflower...</strong><br /><br /><em>The LDS Church as failed, by and large, its homosexual community. By homosexual community I mean, those who are homosexual, openly or not, and the heterosexual spouses these homosexuals may have, and their children. <br /><br />Homosexuality CANNOT be cured. It is not an illness. Can someone with brown eyes be cured? Does someone with brown eyes need to be cured? Sure you can put on different colored contacts, but it only attempts to cover up what’s already there, that which cannot be changed-much like homosexuals trying to fix themselves through reparative therapy and/or marrying someone of the opposite sex. <br /><br />Where does the church come in for the mixed-orientation couples? Where does the church come in to help the homosexuals who are miserable because they cannot love the way they were made to? Where does the church come in for those who are ashamed of what they are because they believe devoutly in the church’s teachings? Where does the church come in for those who have attempted reparative therapy to no avail and feel like failures? Where does the church come in for those who are suicidal due to these issues? Where does the church come in for those who have had priesthood blessings because they want the attraction to go away but doesn’t? Where does the church come in for the heterosexual spouses when no LDS leader is permitted to condone divorce? Where does the church come in for these spouses who feel like there is something wrong with them because the homosexual spouse doesn’t find them attractive? And what about those straight spouses who are so miserable not being loved the way they should that they become suicidal? And what about the scripture from the Book of Mormon stating, “men are that they might have joy”?<br /><br />At a very young, naïve age, I was told by my then boyfriend that he had ‘same sex attraction’. Being naïve to this issue and being a devout member of the LDS church, I believed that between myself and God, he could be cured of this ‘problem’. I WAS WRONG. More than a decade later, my husband continues to struggle (after therapy off and on for 10 years), continues to hate who he is, and I have deteriorated to the point where I have wanted to take my own life because of the complete lack of affection I have endured. <br /><br />On to the children: What does this teach our children about what marriage is/should be? What example does this set for them? What ideas about relationships between a man and a woman will they formulate and have for the rest of their lives when they see one parent yearning to show and receive affection and the other not reciprocating or rejecting? Then there is the issue of the anger and/or depression of the heterosexual parent because of the rejection and that bleeds over into how the children are treated. Not to mention, of course, the obvious misery of the homosexual parent straining his/her relationship with the kids, as well. <br /><br />When a mixed-orientation couple feels trapped in a marriage, either because of the kids or the church, no one in the family is happy. So how does that scripture apply to us? It doesn’t. Mixed-orientation couples ARE NOT that they might have joy. </em>Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-36804268998853045992008-09-15T10:31:00.000-07:002008-09-15T10:37:17.908-07:00Laurie's StoryMy story started about 3 years ago, well maybe 4. My husband had just started back to school, and I was so excited for him to start his new career. To give a little background, we met in high school and I knew he must be mine. I fell in love with him at an instant. We were both dating other people at the time, but my heart was taken. <br /><br />We graduated and I became pregnant and married my son's father. It was an abusive relationship. After a year, I knew I had to leave my first husband. I decided to tell Brad how I felt. I went to his work and invited him over after he was off work. I told him how I felt. I told him I loved him since high school, and WHAMMO, we started dating. We dated for 3 years and were married in September of 1995. We had 3 other children together, among those were a set of twin girls. Life was great. We were both active in our [LDS - Mormon] ward, He was Elders Quorum President, Financial Clerk, Primary Teacher, Sunday School Teacher. I was happy. <br /><br />HELL BROKE LOOSE. When my husband decided to go to school, I noticed he was gone alot. Got to the point that he would stay at school all night. As he was accomplishing his goal, I felt me and my children were left behind. Oh, he had good intentions, but he just wasn't acting himself. Well, I had made an appointment with my bishop for us to get counseling. As I waited for my husband to come out of the office, I had so many dreams for myself. Living the life I dreamed about when I was a little girl. He came out in tears. I asked him what was wrong, he told me he had same sex attraction. OK, I can deal with that... Or so I thought... <br /><br />He started to go to a really good counseling group for people who had this. The people he met were amazing. We would talk about it, I would try and understand what he was going through. YEAH RIGHT. As we went through the next couple years, it got worse.... As we talked I told him, I would be fine as long as you don't cheat on me. WRONG.... I found out by finding a card that said where you could get AIDS tests. NO WOMAN SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT. My heart had been put in a blender and put on full speed. <br /><br />This man I loved, that took me for better or worse, was NOT who I knew. But we stayed together. I thought we could be the "couple who could make it." This was about the time I found out about WILDFLOWERS. I finally had someplace that I could bring my troubles, and people would actually understand. Oh, my friends tried, but what do you tell them? It's OK, I'll survive. I found lifelong friendships through this group. It was around this time also, that I found out my husband was looking at Gay Pornography. I could not believe how quickly he was pulled into all that confusion. It finally got to a point to where I had to kick him out and say, "you are not healthy, you need help." At first I was really angry and would not talk to him. <br /><br />After about a month of being separated, my husband had come to my house drunk and had taken some medication. We had to take him to the hospital, and we found out he tried committing suicide. He had actually convinced himself he'd be better off dead. I only bring this up so people can see what an impact SSA can have on someone. We had our family prayer at the hospital and he came to. I was very angry, confused, frustrated, sad... you name it, I probably felt it. How could this man do this to me? But as I listened to others situations, and learned more about SSA, my heart just went out to him and to others that feel this. It's a real feeling. <br /><br />As the year went on, I learned it's not good for me to be angry. WHAT PURPOSE DOES THAT SERVE? We are now to a point to where my husband has disclosed many occurrences that have happened throughout the last couple years. Yes, we are still married. I have searched my soul, and beliefs, and yes I have prayed about it. I don't feel I need to not be with him. I can see it now, your eyes open wide and thinking "this girl is crazy." Well, crazy it may be, but I see people differently than others. I see this man who struggles day by day, wanting to have that feeling gone, but he's learning to love himself as a child of GOD. He's seeking counseling currently for his sex addiction and his pornography issues. Will we stay together? Who knows. It's not about that for me. For me it's about seeing the man I love get the necessary help he needs, so that he can help others who go through this as well. If there's anything I want to share it's this. GOD has a strong love for everyone. Whether it be for a gay man, or a lesbian, or a drunk, or someone who's addicted to drugs, it's not our place to judge. Life is too short to be angry. I do my best everyday to share that message to others whenever I can.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-19354991098086122712008-09-11T10:00:00.000-07:002008-09-11T10:00:01.058-07:00A Daughter Steps Into The LightSalt Lake Tribune Article By Peggy Fletcher Stack [Archive]<br /><br /><em>Emily Pearson was 10 years old when her Mormon father left the family to live as a gay man. She was 16 when he died of AIDS. Two years later, her famous mother, Carol Lynn Pearson, told their story in Good-Bye, I Love You: The True Story of a Wife, Her Homosexual Husband and a Love Honored for Time and All Eternity, which became a national best-seller. <br /><br />At 25, Pearson married Steven Fales, even after he acknowledged a lifelong struggle with same-sex attraction. The marriage ended six years and two children later, and again, her life was splayed out in public with Fales' 2001 autobiographical play, "Confessions of a Mormon Boy." She describes seeing the play for the first time as "being dismembered with an ice pick." <br /><br />"My marriage with Steven summed up a lifetime of being swallowed by narcissistic personalities," Pearson says. "I needed to finally stand up and choose for myself and think for myself." <br /><br />Now, the Sandy mother is stepping out of the long shadow cast by her parents, husband and church. <br /><br />Pearson is writing her memoirs, tentatively titled Dancing With Crazy, a shortened version of which was published in the April issue of Sunstone magazine, an independent Mormon publication. She will be speaking at the three-day Sunstone Symposium, which begins Wednesday night at the Sheraton Hotel in Salt Lake City. <br /><br />She is on a panel titled "Will, Grace and Angels in Brokeback America: Straight Women, Gay Men and Mormonism." Also on the Sunstone program is a session on "Gays in the Mormon Universe," which features a presentation by Buckley Jeppson, an LDS man who married his male partner in Canada two years ago, and another one by Jeff Nielsen, who was recently let go as a Brigham Young University adjunct professor after publicly opposing the LDS Church's stance on a constitutional marriage amendment. <br /><br />On top of that, the symposium showcases Pearson's mother, who is offering a 20-year retrospective look at her book, plus introducing her new works on homosexuality: "Facing East," a play about an LDS couple whose gay son committed suicide, and No More Good-byes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones. The play is slated to premiere at the Rose Wagner Theater in Salt Lake City in November, the same month she plans to publish the book online. <br /><br />When published in 1986, Good-Bye, I Love You hit the Mormon community like a laser. Carol Lynn Pearson had built her reputation as a writer of poetry and uplifting Mormon plays, which commanded a lot of respect in church circles. At a time when many Mormons thought homosexuality was disgusting and evil, her riveting tale of love, hope, betrayal, forgiveness and reconciliation all within a devout LDS context put a human face on gayness. Mormons couldn't help but see their fathers, brothers and sons - as well as mothers, sisters and daughters - reflected in it. <br /><br />Since then, Carol Lynn Pearson has received scores of letters and e-mails from Latter-day Saint gays, family members and friends, telling their stories and asking for advice. <br /><br />"Progress has been made in Mormon culture and in religious culture broadly," Carol Lynn Pearson said Tuesday in a phone interview from her home in Walnut Creek, Calif. "But we still say too many goodbyes due to suicide, ill-fated marriages and to family alienation." <br /><br />Given her early immersion in the tug-of-war between LDS Church teachings and homosexuality, it might seem astonishing that Emily Pearson would agree to marry a gay man. Didn't she know better? After all, she had watched her father try and fail to turn himself into a happy heterosexual husband. She was the one who uttered the words that became her mother's book title. She had been close at hand during her mother's anguish. <br /><br />The answer to Pearson's marriage riddle lies in the biblical tale of Abraham, who was asked to sacrifice his son to show his love for God. After her father died, Pearson thought maybe God had punished her for a lack of faith. So she became super obedient and faithful to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When she fell in love, there was divine confirmation - and several priesthood blessings - that she should marry him. Then one summer night, Fales admitted his history of same-sex attraction. <br /><br />"I was furious with God," Pearson writes in her Sunstone piece. "I didn't understand why he would require the unthinkable of me. He wanted me to marry a gay man? I wasn't stupid. I knew exactly how it would turn out if we got married." <br /><br />She prayed: "Heavenly Father. Do I have to do this?" The answer was instantaneous. "No, you don't have to do this. But if you do, it will heal the deepest, darkest parts of yourself." <br /><br />They believed they could be the exception, that Fales' homosexuality could be "cured." That they might write a different book than her mother's. A success story. <br /><br />Within a few months of their 1993 marriage in the LDS temple, the fairy tale was over. They went from being friendly, to being cordial, to being sad, to being angry, to being alone and resigned to the pain and disillusionment of it all. "We became highly skilled at the passive-aggressive dance we allowed our marriage to become," Pearson writes. <br /><br />In some ways, though, her summertime epiphany did come true. The marriage did heal something in her. It did resolve the "massive unfinished business" she had with her dad. She found inner strength she didn't know she had. She no longer attends the LDS Church, nor looks to it for guidance and answers. She discovered that her happiness is not dependent on any other person or institution. <br /><br />For Pearson, that's been a giant step forward. <br /><br />She has launched an online support group for wives, mothers and fiancées of gay men, http://www.wearewildflowers.com. She also has a consulting business for couples or individuals who are divorcing over issues regarding homosexuality. "I can relate to the anger of the ex-wife," she says. "But I am also the daughter of a gay man. I have this absolute, boundless love for gay men. My life continues to be enriched by them." </em>Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-36748646612773938252008-09-08T14:06:00.000-07:002008-09-10T20:46:31.190-07:00The "B" WordAfter reading about it on my list of <strong>Random Things I Hate,</strong> on <a href="http://dancingwithcrazy.blogspot.com/"> DWC </a> I was asked by a friend, "What is a beard?"<br /><br />A beard is a HORRIBLE term used to describe a woman that a gay man marries or dates in order to appear straight to the world at large. A beard gives the illusion of being the manliest of men, much like unto a giant lumber jack. A beard is also a wirey mass of male facial pubic hair and if anyone ever calls me one again I will kick them in the crotch.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-82087013296841191582008-09-06T21:20:00.000-07:002008-09-09T21:51:18.549-07:00Reparative Therapy: Emily's OpinionWhat is Reparative Therapy?<br /><br />Reparative therapy is based on the belief that male homosexuality is caused by the homosexual in question being raised by an over-bearing mother and an emotionally absent father, which results in an inability to identify with, and lay claim to, his own masculinity. This, in turn, causes him to sexualize other men in an attempt to become what he wants to be - a strong and healthy man. By having the right therapy, developing bonding friendships with straight men and an increase of faith, homosexuality will decrease - while proper, straight masculinity will increase, causing the desire to fill the broken man void by having sex with another man to completely disappear.<br /><br />My former husband read the book “Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach” by Joseph Nicolosi long before he and I met. This book and its theory were a major factor in our decision to attempt a marriage. He worked hard at becoming straight. It didn’t work. My father worked hard at becoming straight. It didn’t work. Decades ago a surprising number of men underwent electric shock therapy at Brigham Young University to become straight. It didn’t work. Dozens of my gay male friends (who, by the way, would be enormously offended at being called “masculinity deficient”) have worked hard at becoming straight. It hasn’t worked. I do know of one or two couples that have chosen to stay married and are, so far, experiencing a successful relationship. It seems that it is far easier for men who have been “out” and have immersed themselves in, and become disillusioned with, the gay lifestyle and have then chosen to marry and have a family – without all the wondering, the mystery and the “what ifs”. Will these marriages last for the long haul? Who knows? But if they do they are the exception - not the rule. And even if the choice to be married is made and a monogamous, straight lifestyle is strictly observed, the homosexual feelings and desires never go away. As several men have told me, “[Reparative therapy] doesn’t work. We all know it doesn’t work. We just say that it does to keep them off our backs.” An excellent book to read on this subject is “Anything But Straight” by <a href="http://www.waynebesen.com/"> Wayne R. Besen. </a><br /><br /><br />I am not a therapist, just an ex-wife and a daughter who has a few very well earned opinions. Are there some men whose sexual development was affected by their parents? Of course there are. How many of us have sexual attitudes, beliefs, desires and comfort zones, that were not affected by our parents, our grandparents, our friends, their parents, teachers, schools, cities, states, churches, hormones or body chemistry? Many things, regardless of whether we are gay or straight or bi-sexual, influence our individual sexuality. Does child sexual abuse cause homosexuality? No. It causes pain, confusion, anger, trauma and can certainly mess you up sexually, but there are countless survivors of abuse that are completely heterosexual. Nor is it caused by masturbation. If that were the case, heterosexuals would be an endangered species.<br /><br />Homosexuality has been linked to sexual abuse, masturbation, pornography and demonic possession. It has been called a sin, a perversion, a handicap, and a sexual addiction. Were they born that way? Is it a choice? Everyone has his or her own opinion or belief that they are absolutely entitled to. It is not my purpose, nor is it my desire, to convince anyone that I am right and they are wrong or to argue the causes of homosexuality. Wildflowers is about supporting the wives of gay men in the lives they have chosen to live – regardless of what they choose to believe. While what we do will affect them, this is not about the husbands. It is about our inner worlds, and the inner worlds of our children, being fully alive, healthy and happy.<br /><br />I do, however, think everyone deserves the right to be educated with all the information and to figure things out for themselves. For more information on Reparative Therapy contact: <a href="http://www.narth.com/"> NARTH. </a>Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-84068381184035370012008-09-05T21:05:00.000-07:002010-11-01T07:30:25.049-07:00Colleen's StoryI think the thing that surprised me the most by the story I read on your web site is that there are still women marrying gays in the Mormon church—let alone the world--when things are so much more open now. When my story started--I thought all gays lived in San Francisco and they were a limited bunch. I had even had a heated debate with a Catholic friend of mine about gays a few years before I started dating my future husband. It also interested me to note that in the story posted on your web site that the wife had received the answer to her prayers as to whether marrying her husband was the right thing--as I had the same thing happen--but more forceful.<br />I had been in a singles ward for several years. I had been presented several opportunities to marry outside the church, but I wanted the "for time and all eternity" marriage. I wanted to be assured that I would never be alone--that I would never lose the man I loved--and so I held out for that "dream." I was giving up on that singles ward when in early June of 1982 I had a dream about someone that I would meet in my ward—to hang on. Then a month later, I had another dream that that person who would be my husband would be at church the next day. The dream was so vivid that I waited in the foyer watching each person come in. I finally went into opening exercises late and sat down by a friend on the back row. Within minutes, another friend of mine came in with someone new and they sat down right next to me--with the new person sitting RIGHT next to me. It was crowded on the bench--so it was rather obvious. I was never one to pursue guys or flirt--but this was the one I had dreamed about and so I made an effort--and it wasn't long before we were friends and then began dating. To make a long story short--I was confused about where things were going after seven months--so I confronted this guy as to how serious he was in the relationship and it was then I was told that he was gay. His apartment window just happened to have a perfect view of the Logan temple out the window (notice how those temples are right where they are supposed to be) and I remember staring at it thinking, "I'm not my mother's little girl anymore." Dr. Phil--one of my heroes--states "ten defining moments" . . .<br /><br />I fell into a suicidal depression over this situation. I talked to the bishop over and over again--I did typing for the bishop and we were already good friends beforehand and my boyfriend was the financial clerk--so I spent a lot of time sorting through things with him. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I felt completely and totally alone. It was a huge burden. I was suicidal for a year--thinking about how God could put something like this on the earth and not have a solution for it. How could this person be damned if there were no answers? I saw God as an authority figure--sitting at His judgment bench with his gavel--but as time went by, my feelings changed. My belief system completely changed.<br /><br />I had to deal with all the things that had happened in his past and learn to forgive him for it--I had to either let him go or stick it out. He asked me over and over to wait for him to work through his problems--that he'd always dreamed I'd come into his life to share his burden. I dated more that year than in my entire life--probably because I was so distracted that I really didn't care--when lo and behold, I met someone new. This person scared my gay boyfriend and after I moved away to get away from the situation--he asked me OVER THE PHONE while I was at work to marry him. I spent the next day in bed. A very good friend--who was another bishop that I worked with--gave me a blessing. He promised me that my husband would never leave me. He said to me, "How would you feel if God gave you this and you turned your back on it." I know he said this only because he truly believed it--and still does. I was already STUCK. The bishop of our ward told me that it would be okay--that if I had any doubts in my mind--to put them aside. The LDS Social Services therapist told me that it would be okay if we got married--to just not worry about it. I just realized this past summer that once I was in the situation--there was no other choice--I had to go forward. I had to take the chance--I had to give this person more in his life than I saw the gay world as offering him. I said yes. When I finally said yes--I had joy that I had never felt before. I had my doubts--many, many, many, many doubts as the three months passed to our wedding, but the day I went to the temple for the first time--those doubts flew out the window—my suicidal depression went away while in the temple. I was told in no uncertain terms that this was the right thing. The day I married him was one of the happiest days of my life. Everyone told me that I couldn't have this—and here it was MINE.<br /><br />We had twins 14-1/2 months later--a boy and a girl. He had been told as a child that his first child would be twins. That was the first thing he asked the doctor when we went to the first appointment, "Is it twins?" In so many ways—it seemed our life was charmed. We got the house we wanted, our children were robust and healthy even born a month early. I landed a job that made it possible for me to work at home . . . the list goes on and on.<br /><br />When my children turned 6--just after the second one had gotten through the worst of the chicken pox--he told me that he had been cheating on me since 2-1/2 years into the marriage. We went through therapy through a well known psychiatrist in Salt Lake City--and now I suspect that psychiatrist was gay--although married (but we all know that story). He would tell me that we had a chance--while he told my husband "you are nice looking, you can easily find a partner." We made it through that situation. We determined to stay together. I gave him leeway--I didn't want him to go and he didn't want to go. I had learned early on that his gay feelings--that his cheating--had nothing to do with me (it didn't mean it didn't hurt). This was between him and God--and I loved him. We WERE --and I mean this from the bottom of my heart--WERE the best of friends. We were close--closer than most couples we knew. Of course, we had our issues that all couples have . . . but he was the one I always turned to--and he to me emotionally. He had a hard family life and we were everything to him. He was an EXCELLENT father. My children still tell me how they had such a happy childhood—they spent hours and hours hiking the hills, hunting bones (which my little girl liked to do!!!), lighting fires up the canyon (which my little boy liked to do)--and we went on trips. He bought an old camper and fixed it up and we camped all the time. It was always hide and seek when dad came home--they would hear him come in the garage and they would hide--and he would hunt them down. If he got home and we weren't here--he'd hide and they'd find him. We had a really good life—why let it go. He was also in many church callings. He is the outgoing one and I'm the "reserved" one. We had a lot of friends in the ward--and I had several people tell me that he was the nicest person they had ever met. They adored him.<br /><br />THEN--in May of _____? I had spent many days in SLC at UUMC with my older brother. He had a brain hemorrhage while going to University of Utah at age 42 to get a degree in Russian and German to be an interpreter. He was in his last quarter with a 4.0 grade point average--when he had a brain hemorrhage (he lost the speech center of his brain--so lost his Russian and German—he now does well with English). I went down several times a week to go to rehabilitation with him. My husband met me on Friday evening in Primary Children's Medical Center parking lot so he could go to a Family Fellowship Conference while I took the kids home with me. He came home on Sunday and told me that divorce was inevitable. We went to more therapy--the therapist told us to make pros and cons lists of why we should get a divorce. I made a huge list--but my reasons for getting a divorce had nothing to do with him being gay--it was more an issue of him "sucking the joy out of life on a daily basis"--he only did this to me--no one else. He didn't even make a list--he told the therapist that he couldn't BE DIVORCED and he couldn't imagine his life without me. Just as I'd get stable--feeling like things wouldn't change--he'd tell me (the night before my birthday--notice how they do this)--that he was looking for an apartment. I'd get prepared for him to leave--and he'd say, "I'm not leaving." At Christmas, things were uneasy. On January 3rd--I had a doctor's appointment in SLC and my kids went back to school that day. My car kept overheating on the way home--so it took forever. I walked in my bedroom and there was something on the bed that I had been asking him for for months--and I knew something was wrong--that he had left that there for me. I alked over to his side of the closet, opened the door--and everything was gone. He had left me a taped message by my computer. At first I felt bad for him--then I got mad. . . . he came back the next day--and came home the following Monday and told me he was getting a divorce and I kicked him out. He lived with some friends for a few months--but we had the basement finished so he could move back and we could raise our kids together, but he had already met someone who worked for him. My husband moved back in—and this "friend" of his moved to California (as a ploy, I know). In October--my husband said he couldn't be away from this guy--so I said "Go—go to California for six weeks (as he could get that much time off work)--and see if you can find a job--see if you are happy." He went . . . he left on November 9th. He cried the whole time he was gone. I don't even remember years anymore . . . I think it was seven years ago this week. I was at a store on November 10th this year waiting in the car for my daughter--and a profound sense of sadness came over me and tears just started to fall. I couldn't understand why--and then I came home to write an e-mail to a friend and I realized--that I had even forgotten—November 9th--it had passed and I didn't even know. You do get better . . .<br /><br />Well--my husband--came back two weeks later as he couldn't find a job and I made the threat that I would take the kids and disappear if he didn't come back and at least work his job and help support us--so he came back. His boyfriend followed two days later. Over the next four years--just as I would start getting strong, my husband would call and say he was coming home. I was more than welcome to it--finances were in the toilet--and I was a basket case--and then he'd back out. Just as I gave up that he and his boyfriend would break up--they broke up. This boyfriend was horrible to all of us. It was an abusive relationship--but I blame my husband for even being involved in it at all. He didn't allow my husband to give me any money without a huge fight. I didn't have family to help me—I was actually the one who everyone relied on and I was too proud to ask for help. I was ON MY OWN--completely alone. I had only been working part-part time--and I work a job that requires self-motivation--of which I had none. I slept in the day and got up when my kids were coming home from school. I used credit to pay all the bills--and . . . finances just continued to get worse and worse. So--I don't have a very promising story. Maybe my story can help everyone else avoid my pitfalls!<br /><br />That first year after he left--we lived from one catastrophe to another. Then one morning as I was watering lawn, my precious dog was hit by a car. The thing that had kept me going all these months was looking for the "small miracles" in my life--and this dog was one of those. That day--something in me died. I became suicidal and homicidal. I hate to say it--but it is true. I saw this world as such an ugly place--such a painful place--that why would I want my kids to have to live in it. The things I never wanted my children to have to go through--I had not been able to protect them from. I went back to another therapist for one visit--and he said, "You can either lay on the bed and be depressed or you can choose not to think about it." And I chose not to think about it. I shut down—I didn't think--I only solved things as the crisis came upon me. Things went from bad to worse, obviously! At this point in my life—someone needed to take over and let me heal--but there was no one there to do it. I call this my Andrea Yates period. I was completely out of my mind. There are things I did that people tell me that I have no memory of.<br /><br />Then I saw Dr. Phil on Oprah for the first time--and that day--I called for a new therapist. I lucked out and got the best. I went to him twice a week for months and then continued seeing him for four years. He got me working on a regular basis. He got me to take steps in starting to re-live my life. When family members came to me with problems, I could refer them on to him rather than try to fix it myself.<br />But--just as my husband was breaking up with his boyfriend--my youngest brother ended up on my doorstep. His wife wanted a divorce. I let him move in--and he was a mess. This was the second hardest time of my journey from when my husband left. When my brother was home--I had to be at his beck and call . . . as we share the same genes--we both deal with severe depression—and so I worried constantly about him--and at the same time, my husband was suicidal. My son stayed with him a lot of that summer--and my children tended my nephew. It was a crazy, crazy, crazy time. Because of past financial problems, etc., and now my new load--I was frantic. I was in fear of losing my home, etc., etc. My brother told me of his mother-in-law--who is not a member of the church and is alcoholic--who had gone to the bishop of the ward she lived in and he was paying her house payment. I knew right then that that was my answer--I HAD to ask for help. It was one of the hardest things I ever did--but something I should have done in the very beginning. The church helped me save my house and get me back on my feet financially--they provided food, etc. If I had gone to them in the beginning, things never would have gotten so bad.<br /><br />Just this summer--I found the energy and the time to start walking again--something I love to do and haven't done since all this mess began. I go to the middle school track and walk--and listen to music that makes me strong--and I realized how far I've come. I feel myself healing as I walk that track--more than I did in all those years. The fresh air, the escape from the problems—the load I carry--the reconnection with the person I WAS--and I realized that back when all this started I had begged God that if nothing else—I would live until my twins turned 18--which they do this coming Friday--and I had made it. My financial mess was so bad back then--that I look back in COMPLETE DISBELIEF and AWE that I didn't lose my house--that I am still putting one foot in front of the other--that my kids are strong and beautiful--the most wonderful children anyone could have. They have fought their own fights--and chosen to live good lives--when their friends have chosen other paths. There have been times they had to completely cut ties with friends--while in high school--and choose to not take drugs, etc., etc., and they did it. They are my best friends. I know the "experts" tell you that you can't be your childrens' friend—but you can. We have the best relationship. I have allowed my husband (and he is still my husband--he has never divorced me and I never had the strength to do it myself--let alone the money) to maintain a relationship with his children visiting them at our home--so that they weren't exposed to his lifestyle too much--and my husband and I are now very good friends. We will never be what we were before--but we all do things together--we even travel together. He dates all the time and I encourage it. I don't want him back. I don't know that I ever want to marry again either--I'm glad that I stayed single while my kids were young as they needed ME--not a step-father--and I was definitely not ready for a new relationship. Rather than a "new father," I say get a dog. Our dogs have carried us through emotionally.<br /><br />Another thing that helped us is humor. As crazy as that sounds--my niece was living here when my husband left with his boyfriend and she has a very dry sense of humor--and when things were the most tense--she would do the most insane things and we would find ourselves in fits of laughter. We continue doing this--because sometimes life is just too much to handle. Sometimes things are such that if you think about them too much—or too hard--they just might kill you . . . and I think you all know what I mean by that.<br /><br />My answers--that I have found--is that there are no answers. I read an article once about a mother whose son had died and she said she just couldn't find any answers for why he had died--and she finally realized that it was UNACCEPTABLE that he had died--and when she allowed herself to think that--then she came to terms with it. Whatever the reasons--why all this came to be in my life and my childrens' lives--I did realize while walking this summer--that this is not what God wanted for my life--but this IS my life. I use to believe that if bad things happened to you--then you must have done something to deserve it. I no longer believe that. When my husband first told me he was cheating--I was berating myself—telling myself "if only I had done this, if only I had done that--if only . . . I had been perfect--" and the feeling came to me "I love you just as you are--you are a good person--this has NOTHING to do with you . . ."<br /><br />I can see now--as I look back--that my life is a MIRACLE . . . the fact that I am still alive, that I am still putting one foot in front of the other, that when the money shouldn't have covered everything it needed to--it still did, that my children turned out well even with their parents' insanity, and that when things seemed utterly hopeless, God would send a "small miracle" to remind me he was aware of me. I no longer feel that my husband is damned. I feel that him leaving us will be more of a burden to him—than his being gay, but as I told his sisters--I am the last one who will allow him to be punished for who he is. I don't know what place gays have in this world--I have found peace in knowing that someday I will have my answers. I am no longer "active" in the LDS Church. It doesn't mean that I don't believe MOST of what it teaches. I feel that in going through this--I found a more loving God than I ever believed in as a young girl. I know he loves me, my children, and he loves my husband--and he aches for our pain. I have many, many reasons for being inactive--too many to explain here. We all have to come to our own decisions.<br />My advice to anyone out there is--you have to do what you know is best. You have to believe that God loves you. If you are going through separation, divorce, etc., go straight to your bishop for financial help--don't try to be strong and brave, etc., etc., go ask for help NOW (as if you can avoid the financial struggles--it will be a shorter road to recovery). Get a therapist and stay in therapy for a long, long time. Get on an antidepressant. Don't try to go it alone--<br /><br />I still believe and always will that my husband's place was here with us. It was destiny--I know he wasn't supposed to leave. A lot of ex's of gays wouldn't say that. For us--that was the answer. For him--it was. He will always need us more than we need him actually. The thing that is hard about watching a show like Will and Grace on TV--is that it is too true to life. The gay does want his wife and his lover . . . and because of the answers I received . . . the things that have happened to me because of the situation with gays--I know his place was with us. That is not an issue any longer—but everyone's answer is different. You have to do what you feel is right.<br /><br />My best advice is to "listen"--because God is aware of you and your pain. He showed me that in my darkest hours--and when you are too broken to listen--he IS CARRYING YOU--I know that with all my heart. Look for the little miracles in your life--they will sustain you . . . This is a life-long road--once this is a part of your life--it always will be. It will have an effect in every decision you make, every thing you do--for the rest of your life--BUT that CAN be a good thing . . .<br /><br />* * *<br /><br />Updated 10/26/2010:<br /><br />Since I wrote my story I don't know how many years ago, HUGE CHANGES have come about in my life and in my feelings about the LDS church, being gay, and my marriage.<br /><br />I am now an Ex-Mormon and I post semi-regularly on two websites for ex or post Mormons. I have come to accept my husband JUST AS HE IS. I no longer have "questions"--I have all my answers. Do I know why he is gay? No. That doesn't matter. It is all very simple.<br /><br />Someone on one of those Ex_Mormon boards stated one day that he is Native American and gay--and that the LDS church taught him to hate two parts of himself. I realized THAT DAY that to ask my husband to change to straight would be to ask him to disappear. Gay is what makes him who he is--the unique and wonderful person that he is. I can't imagine my world without HIM JUST AS HE IS.<br /><br />The "love of my life" came back into my life 6 years ago. I didn't marry him at age 20 because he wasn't Mormon. Before he came back into my life, I had an "epiphany." I had been too busy taking care of my children to figure out what I felt about the LDS church. I had a good friend whose daughter was getting married. Every time something would go wrong with the plans for the wedding, her daughter would say, "The church is still true, so why does it matter." I couldn't get that statement out of my mind. I wrote in my journal at that time and I said, "BUT IT MATTERED TO ME." It was that very day that I lost all my beliefs in the LDS church. They just crumbled. This was before my boyfriend came back into my life. I had been such a devout Mormon that this boyfriend WOULDN'T, COULDN'T believe I didn't believe any longer.<br /><br />Being gay, straight, lesbian, transgendered, etc., is about the WHOLE relationship. It is about emotional, mental, physical, psychological, AND sexual. AND when you put someone straight with someone gay/lesbian, then BOTH people are not in the right relationship for themselves.<br /><br />I had someone who I admire recently say to me, "It isn't about gay, lesbian, straight, transgendered, etc., it is about who we connect to, who we love."<br /><br />The pain will NEVER be completely gone for what we have all been through, but I have found my answers and I am at peace in my relationship with this man who is the father of my children and who "was" my husband. I feel that we saved each other.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-42670886031249703122008-09-04T21:01:00.000-07:002008-09-09T21:19:10.920-07:00Debi's StoryHello Wildflowers,<br /><br />I am just beginning this journey. My husband of 26 years came out to me Jan 15 2004, a little over a month ago. How do I describe my world now? <br /><br />First of all HUGE relief that all the marital problems weren't all my fault or just my imagination. Here I was married to a "wonderful" man, had four great kids, no financial problems, all active in church... so where was my craziness and pain coming from??? Now I know without any doubt that a large part of it came from the lies and secrets that tainted everything in our family like a slow poison. Even though unseen and unknown, secrets affected our family as surely as a toxin. And the effects will be long lasting.<br /><br />I cannot blame all of my pain on Jim's same-sex attraction (SSA), but so much makes sense, now that I have all the pieces. I conquered my personal demon – depression – several years ago after counseling that finally led me to my Savior and self worth. I feel that the personal strength gained by overcoming depression and working on healing my own wounds has helped me to deal with this new life that I am beginning.<br />I feel deep sadness for the dreams that I must now grieve. I went to the Mormon temple alone for the first time last week. It was hard, yet I felt sadness and pain, yet such peace and worthiness - interesting combination... I can’t bear to think of the mission Jim and I will not serve together, grandchildren that he will not bless, weddings he will not attend, a Sunday School class of 13-year-olds that love him that wonder why he has not been there at church for the past month, a ward choir that depended on his beautiful Italian tenor voice. I am finding that grief is a physical experience, not just an emotional one. I feel it deep within. The closest comparison is the feeling I had after giving birth, when I missed that child within me. That emptiness, that wound. There is a place within me that will forever bear the imprint to those dreams, but will never be filled.<br /><br />I have much pain for our four children - two sons aged 25 and 21, two daughters aged 20 and 16. They love their dad. In spite of the conflict and bickering and low-grade unhappiness that was in our marriage, he was and is a great dad and loves his kids. He told all four of them about his SSA within a couple days of coming out to me. Each had a different reaction, but all expressed their love to him. The reaction of my 20-year-old daughter was representative of all of them - "You are my dad, and I love you. But you are creeping me out." How will my children see life now? How will they understand God or religion or marriage or themselves? Will it bring them to greater love, compassion, and righteousness – or drive them into a place of pain and confusion, without boundaries, where nothing makes sense? Only time will tell.<br />I also have felt jealousy for the first time in our marriage. For some reason, I never felt jealous when Jim went on business trips. I knew he would never leave me for another woman. Jim still always tells me how much he loves me, and that I am the only woman he will ever love. It just hurts to finally see him as a whole, real, honest person after years of deceit and unfaithfulness - to be able to finally love him as real person - and yet not have him with me. Jim moved out of our home into an apartment the week after he came out to me. Both of us felt it was a boundary that would create peace in our lives, and it has. Now that he is out of our home, I no longer feel jealousy. Now I am grieving and feeling the emptiness and loneliness of letting go.<br /><br />So what about anger? I have felt so much anger for so many years towards Jim. He was so "perfect" - always on time for meetings, loved to cook and clean, was sociable and fun, etc. I often felt that he looked down on me and was disgusted with me. It made me angry that I would never "measure up" to what he seemed to want. Well, hello! Now I know that it was literally impossible for me to be what he needed... I had so much anger that a man, who is so "active" in church, would not pray with me, hold FHE or father's interviews, read scriptures, or go to the temple very often. Now I understand why he wouldn’t do those things. He never felt worthy. He was trying so hard to be perfect so that his SSA would go away. He wasn’t trying to be better than anyone. He was trying to exorcise his own demons. I do feel guilt for how I treated him, with anger and nagging and pleading. I only wish he would have confided in me years ago, so that I could have understood him and not taken the negativity personally. I just didn’t know the burden that he carried, the wounds he has, or the depth of our “incompatibility.” Now I do, and there is no anger left.<br />The honesty, courage, and tenderness surrounding his coming out has defused much of my anger. We had been talking about separating for nearly a month. We had gone to the Bishop and Stake President, and I was desperately trying to find a way to fix our marriage. But I just couldn’t come up with any solutions, and I there was nothing more I could do. I felt resigned, and agreed with Jim that we needed to separate. Then one night he finally told me the 'rest of the story.' It may sound strange, but it was a deeply spiritual moment. I literally saw his soul for the first time in years. He has carried this burden since the age of three. He was converted at the age of 19, and when he was called on his mission, he told the stake president about his SSA, which he had no yet acted on. The response was that since Jim had dated a little and liked women, he was normal. He was advised to go on a mission, get married, and that with patience and righteousness those feelings would fade away. It didn't happen that way for us.<br /><br />Another emotion that I have is a deep love and hope for every member of our family. I don’t know what the future will hold for us. But right now it seems like our family is coming together in a way that is miraculous. There is much more to our story than this short snapshot. But I can see my children treating each other with more love, being more open, less judgmental. It seemed like before, we were all trying to measure up to this “perfect” man who was strangely distant and disconnected from each of us. Now we know that his perfection is not our standard. Now is the time for each of us to find that standard of perfection. And the one I have found is perfect trust in the Lord and his plan.<br /><br />I have NO doubt that I was supposed to marry Jim. I am forever grateful for the children we have together. Jim is the only member of his family that joined the church. His father is an only child in a line that would have ended with Jim if we hadn’t married and had children (none of siblings have children). Who knows about what promises we made before we came here to those family members in the past and future? Jim is a man of deep spirituality and sensitivity. He believes that God created him this way. He wishes he could wake up one morning and his SSA feelings and yearnings would be gone. He wants to go back and live with his Heavenly Father. He loves the gospel and knows it is true.<br /><br />I also believe with all of my heart that no one has control or choice over SSA. I do not personally believe that people are born with SSA, since that would be a case of Heavenly Father contradicting his own plan of happiness. I do believe that it is a complex construct possibly involving the unique tender personality of the child, trauma and parental bonding problems. (See Richard Cohen’s “Coming Out Straight.”) No one is to blame. It is a side effect of a telestial world. I do believe that we are all accountable for our choices, but I am not sure to what degree agency is mitigated by trauma and a shattered framework. I will leave that up to the Savior. All of my unanswered questions I have put on the shelf. At some future day, I will have answers.<br /><br />Throughout this past month, little miracles have occurred. The first one was finding Wildflowers. I have found great support in the women who have shared their experiences here. Within a couple of weeks, several women in my ward had come to me and “confessed” that they had a son or husband who had come out to them. Each of these sisters had suffered silently and alone. I feel great peace and strength as we share our experiences with each other. I am convinced we cannot heal in isolation.<br />I also feel great concern for those who struggle with SSA, especially those who are LDS. It is a very difficult situation. Many of them miss the brotherhood and community found within a church that they can no longer be part of. The choices for those who are gay and LDS include either to live a lie in a marriage – which we know first-hand leaves wreckage in its wake – live alone and lonely forever, which drives many of them to take their own lives. They can spend countless hours and enormous amounts of money on counseling – which may work for some, but for many leaves them doubly traumatized. Or they can “accept” their life, and live openly. I have found that not all gay men are into porn or drugs or clubbing. There are a few who, however strange it may sound, have set up own standards to avoid those things. What unacceptable choices! I just see no good options, and this breaks my heart again. <br />I also feel worry and concern about the future, especially for Jim. I worry about his health – physical, emotional, and spiritual. Will I, as Carol Ann Pearson, have to care for this man I love as he dies? Would it be any less heart wrenching to watch him begin to die spiritually? Will his feelings for me and our children change or grow cold? I am not a big worrier. I realize that I will be given the strength, support and wisdom to deal with any of these eventualities as they come. In the Lord’s wisdom, He does not load us down with all the equipment and tools we need in life until the very moment we need them. I love the Alcoholics Anonymous phrase, “God may seem late, but He is always on time.” I believe that with all my heart.<br /><br />Colleen, who I met on Wildflowers and was my only support in those first few days, told me that often these husbands will return to us for spiritual support and the “woman’s touch” that doesn’t exist in their world. Colleen also told me that Dr. Phil once said to one of the 9-11 widows, “your previous normal is OVER and as each day passes, you will develop a new normal.” I am beginning to accept this “new normal.” I feel great strength and clarity, blessings that I am sure come from keeping my covenants. Plus I now live in a world where the LIGHT is turned on. No more secrets and lies. The moment that we begin to keep secrets, a slow poison begins to work within us and within those around us. While we do need to be tactful, discreet and use wisdom in telling our stories, we MUST not be silent or suffer alone. Isolation is Satan’s greatest incubator for depression. <br /><br />If you are reading this, welcome to what I have termed the ‘Bizarro Sisterhood.’ It is kind of like the Relief Society of the Twilight Zone. It is not made up of sisters who are living a perfect life. Rather it is made up of perfect sisters just living life. Not of our choosing, we have for some reason been entrusted with unthinkable challenges. In spite of our imperfections, we are given an extra helping of strength, of miracles, of comfort, of beauty, of love. We are all Heaven has to create a bridge of light to those we love who are in a dark kingdom. Though our stories are all different, we all share the same pain and longings and questions. Of one thing I am sure, there are fields and fields of Wildflowers in Heaven. <br /><br />BE STILL MY SOUL<br />Text: Katharina von Schlegel<br />Music: Jean Sibelius<br />Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;<br />Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;<br />Leave to thy God to order and provide;<br />In every change He faithful will remain.<br />Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav'nly Friend<br />Thro' thorny ways leads to a joyful end.<br />Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake<br />To guide the future as He has the past.<br />Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;<br />All now mysterious shall be bright at last.<br />Be still, my soul: the waves and wind still know<br />His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.<br />Be still, my soul: the hour is hast' ning on<br />When we shall be forevr with the Lord,<br />When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone.<br />Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.<br />Be still, my soul: when changes and tears are past,<br />All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.<br /><br />DebiEmily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-38545178086079170052008-09-03T20:59:00.000-07:002008-09-09T21:18:55.560-07:00Shannon's Story10 years ago I married the love of my life. <br /><br />7 years ago I became a divorced mother of one. I lost my best friend. My husband disclosed he was gay.<br /><br />3 years ago I married again. I found a man whom I trusted to be straight and wanted to make a life with my child and me. <br /><br />My story begins like this. <br /><br />I met my first husband, Scott, while in Junior High School. We had the same interests; Drama Club, Music Class, Tap Dancing (ok, maybe looking back I see that Scott was not like the other boys), and we became best friends. Scott and I spent our high school years planning our future, from who would sing at our wedding to the names of our children. One of the most painful days of my teenage years was the day Scott moved to Lincoln, Nebraska to go to college while I stayed in California. <br /><br />While in Lincoln, Scott and I stayed in contact. We spent every Sunday on the phone, we wrote letters to each other; we continued to plan our future. I heard about college parties, and even encouraged Scott to ask other girls to the events, as I was so far away. I saved money to visit him in Lincoln a few times while he was in collage. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He dated girls. I dated boys. We told each other, though we dated others, we were still committed to one another. Once Scott finished college, we would get married.<br /><br />Scott finished college. It was time to make a decision. Scott proposed to me. He even asked my father for his permission. I said yes. Finally, Scott and I were going to be married. Just like we had planned in our Senior Year of High School.<br /><br />The year we were engaged was wonderful. We moved in together. We went to pre-marital counseling. The counselor had great hopes for us. Both sets of parents had been married for over 25 years. We could make a marriage work. We both believed it.<br /><br />3 months after our wedding, we decided it was time to start a family. It took a while, but 18 months after our wedding, we were blessed with a happy, healthy baby boy. We were now living the perfect married life. We both worked full time. We had a great daycare provider for our child. We were both involved in community theatre, he as a performer, and me as a backstage gal. We even found roles for the small child so that we could work all together as a family. Times were good.<br /><br />How things change. Looking back, I have no idea what changed, or how I figured out things were changing. Scott and I fought all the time. The only thing we could/would agree upon were items regarding the child. Everything else was a knock out drag out fight. Scott was pushing me away mentally, sexually, physically. I solved all problems by eating. I gained 80 pounds. It was obvious I was unhappy, and Scott was too. <br /><br />When your husband has an affair, straight or gay, there is something that clicks inside. That is what happened to me. I figured out Scott was having an affair, with a man. I waited 2 months before Scott came to me and told me the truth. Knowing that I could not change Scott’s feelings, I accepted the facts and took my 18-month-old child and moved out.<br /><br />The first year alone was not fun. My emotions ran from really angry to feeling sorry for myself. Knowing I had to provide the primary care to my child kept me focused. I found solace in reading the Bible, praying and talking to friends. I took the time to grieve the loss of my marriage that I had counted on for so many years. <br /><br />It was difficult to see Scott on a regular basis. I believe that all parents need to be involved in their children’s life. A very specific parenting plan was developed and Scott and I stuck to the plan down to the very last point. This meant I saw Scott at least twice a week…not easy when you are still in love with your child’s father.<br /><br />During my healing, I found a great interest in the business side of community theatre. I was asked to sit on the board of directors for a local theatre company. I accepted. There I fell in love with a man who I found to be a stable, dedicated, honest individual. Mike was aware of my first marriage, he even knew Scott. Mike did not pass judgment on the details of why my first marriage ended. Mike accepted my son, my past, and me. We ended up getting married.<br /><br />Since my 2nd marriage, my relationship with Scott and his partner has greatly improved. I’m certain that the reason Scott and I were together was to have our son. I also know we were to not stay together, that our destiny was to remain the best of friends…and to have love and partnership with others.<br /><br />My son has reaped the benefit of having two families: his Mom and Mike, his Dad and Dustin. I’m proud to report that all of us attend parent/teacher conferences, sporting events and all school functions. Scott and Dustin are welcome in our home at any time, and we are welcome in their home. Mike has been a huge supporter of my continuing involvement with Scott. It makes for a unique lifestyle, but one that I’m proud of. <br /><br />My life has had its challenges. My healing process was full of potholes, peaks and valleys. I with stood the hurt and pain by reading books about Homosexual marriages/divorces, prayer, friendships and most of all an understanding that I was not the issue, my ex-husband made bad choices. <br /><br />Every day I think ‘what if’. What if Scott was straight? What if Scott had ‘come out’ before we were married? What if I stayed married to Scott even after he told me he was gay? I know that the path I’ve chosen to follow, with Gods help, is the right one for me. I don’t place blame on anyone. I’ve accepted that I’m a mother, wife and ex-wife. I’ve chosen to make my relationship with my gay ex-husband the best it can be.<br /><br />God BlessEmily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-69137697487482861682008-09-02T21:54:00.000-07:002008-09-10T08:31:18.412-07:00Julie's StoryIt is strange to say that things got better when my life began to fall to pieces. But that is exactly what happened. From the beginning of my marriage, I always felt that things were not quite right. I can remember how hard I tried to keep everything together. I felt the pieces coming apart long before I was willing to let go and let them fall. When he finally “came out” and told me what had been going on his entire life, MY life finally started to take shape. This is my story.<br /><br />After a year and a half at Brigham Young University, I decided to go on a Mormon mission. My original call was to Venezuela, but after spending 3 months in the Missionary Training Center, in Provo, Utah waiting for a visa, I was reassigned to Santiago, Chile. I had no idea the change in my call would change my entire life. With less than 24 hours notice I was headed to Chile. Upon arrival I met, the man I would later marry, my first zone leader. <br /><br />In July of 1996, unbeknownst to one another, we each made our way to Utah. After finding out that I was in town, he called me. We were both in school at Utah Valley State College and we began to spend a lot of time together. Within a month we were inseparable. In February 1997, he decided to move back to Florida. In March, I made a trip to Florida. We were engaged two weeks later and he kissed me for the first time. <br /><br />We were married August 1, 1997 in the Orlando Florida Mormon Temple. While in Florida, we had two children, our first son was born in June 1998 and our second son was born in June 2000. Our second little guy was born with a genetic mitochondrial disorder and still spends many days and nights at doctor’s offices and hospitals. When it came to responsibility, the birth of our first son marked the day I became a single mother.<br /><br />In March 2002, after a promotion to General Manager of the hotel he was working at he started to work extra long hours, specifically Sunday nights. During the week he would come home in the evening for an hour or two and then “have to go back to help his staff”, returning home very late. Consequently, from March through September the boys and I lived our own lives, only seeing him whenever our paths happened to cross. There were many times that I caught him lying. He would get defensive and say that I wasn’t trusting like I should and I would let it go. I always got the same sick feeling inside and knew that something was not right. His stories never added up or made sense.<br /><br />Throughout our marriage we had one argument that cycled about every two months or so. The two major areas were his lack of spiritual and emotional commitment to marriage and family. Spiritually, he gave nothing. Here I thought I had married a righteous priesthood holder, in the temple, who would be the patriarch of our family. I soon realized that many things I thought I knew about him were not so. Day to day help and support with household tasks and the boys was non-existent, unless I begged. Emotionally he gave nothing to the boys and me and sexually he avoided me like the plague. By the time we cycled through to the next argument, I was empty. Sobbing, I would let out all my feelings, trying to get through to him. He would tell me I was crazy for making a big deal about nothing and then, to get the argument over with, he would tell me, “It is not you, it is me. It is all my fault, I’ll do better.” But things never got better, until….<br /><br />September 27, 2002, my 29th birthday. I had spent the previous night awake with our youngest having a major crisis, the day at the doctor’s office and then ended up with him at the hospital for rounds of medications and IV fluids. He finally joined us at the hospital about 45 minutes before they discharged us. We got home around 11 P.M. and he did his usual which was to sit on the couch, turn the T.V. on and make comments about how tired he was. He didn’t want anything to do with me emotionally or sexually. We hadn’t been intimate for about 4 months and I sure wanted to be with him. So after yet another rejection we began our typical argument, except due to the circumstances this time was much worse. At this point he said that he only had “struggled” with same-sex attraction, but was still worthy to go to the Temple and had never acted upon those feelings. I was angry, humiliated, terrified, confused, crushed and most of all scared. The world I had known was crumbling and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. After many intense emotions and hours of tears, silence and conversation he begged me to stay, no matter what. I had no idea he envisioned me by his side, holding one hand while boyfriends held the other. <br />After the initial shock, all the questions, none with easy answers, started eating me away. How did this happen to me, I had made all the right choices? What happens to my covenants? How did I not see it? How did I not know what he was doing behind my back? How will this affect our children? Does reparative therapy really work and if so will he really love me like I deserve to be loved? How can I still be in with love someone I despise? Forgiveness, yeah right. For me, the most difficult and the most motivating question was, Who am I? In my very proactive approach we headed to LDS Family Services to begin weekly Reparative Therapy. We also began regularly meeting with our Bishop. He went to LDS Family Services and the Bishop a few times on his own and then quit seeing both by mid November. I continued to go alone but I my focus changed. I started sticking up for myself, feeling that way to much emphasis was on him, his problems, his choices and his decisions for our family. I felt that I needed help to and that I deserved a say in what was happening to my life and our family. I was not willing to sit back and let people tell me that I just had to stand by and support him in whatever he was choosing to do if he wasn’t going to commit to our family. I was just as important as he was and this gay life of his was directly affecting me. <br /><br />Over Thanksgiving weekend our youngest son had one of his worst crisis'. He was so sick that I was scared for his life. I spent four days in and out of the hospital with him as he needed special IV medications. I was exhausted from, once again, dealing with it all alone. It was on day three that he announced that he was leaving for a week to “figure things out”. It was during that time that I found out he had been going to gay clubs and that a few other people knew about his hidden life. When confronted, he told me that it was only one club, once a week and he had never acted upon his feelings; he only went looking for acceptance. According to him, there was “only one gay club” in the city and it had a drag queen show on Sunday nights that he liked because “it was funny”. At this point our Bishop asked our parents to get involved. Our parents came and we all met with the Bishop. That night he made the decision to come home, commenting, “I never left the house looking for sex.” Over the next 2 weeks we spent time discussing how our family would change if he made the commitment to go through years of reparative therapy and how it would change if he chose to leave us for a homosexual life. He asked me if I was would stay and let him have his gay life on the side. I was appalled and humiliated. I was willing to make whatever sacrifices were necessary if he committed to our family, but not if he chose to continue the gay lifestyle or if he chose to leave our family.<br />December 26, 2002, two weeks after his decision to come home, he made the choice to leave our family for a homosexual life. The day he left, we sat down together and wrote a “Property, Child and Support Agreement” that outlined exactly what we both wanted to happen to our home, assets, debts and children. At this point, a friend told me about Carol Lynn Pearson’s book, “Good-Bye, I Love You.” Finding too many similarities, I struggled to read it and chose to file it in my growing knowledge of homosexuality. <br /><br />Night after night I continued to wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach. One of those nights I called him and told him I knew there was a lot he wasn’t’ telling me that I deserved to know. He came over the next day and finally began to tell me the truth of who he was, the life he was living and where the boys and I fit in. His comments were, “I am 100% gay. I’ve been living the life since I was 17.” The lies, deceit, infidelity, and cover-ups came gushing out. Pretty much our entire relationship was a lie. He never really wanted to get married or have a child, let alone two. I was important to he but he never had romantic feelings for me. He said he loved me but he was never in love with me. He thought that I could be the wife that could possibly fill the void and change him. Almost immediately after our wedding he realized the void was still there so he continued dabbling in his double life. When we found out I was pregnant he was hopeful that a child would do the trick. When that didn’t work either, he quickly began to live and juggle two completely separate lives. <br /><br />During Thanksgiving he was in the middle of an affair (not the first) that had been going on for some time. He frequently visited sex booths, using his callings in the church, college classes and sending the boys and me on long trips to visit my parents as his covers. He also did the night club scene as well as had memberships to men’s clubs and bath houses. Working two jobs facilitated living “the life” as openly as possible without getting caught. When others started finding out about his life, he let me take the fall for his choices. My self esteem was almost destroyed by those who cowardly put the blame on me. For a time those comments caused many hours of me blaming myself and wondering what I could have done better. My final conclusion: not a single thing. I made every right choice I possibly could. In my heart of hearts I knew that, so no matter what was handed to me, I relayed on what I knew to be true. He wasn’t willing to admit that I had nothing to do with his homosexuality nor that he’d been gay and living it, since he was 17. It was easier for him to let people think that it was my fault than for him to be honest about who he really was.<br /><br />It was a Sunday afternoon, and after hours of listening to him tell me about the secret life he had been living behind my back, I gathered up the boys and walked around the corner to a friend’s house, opened the door, asked for her and collapsed on the bed. That was my rock bottom. My bishop was called, I called my parents and on Wednesday, the boys and I headed to California to get away. My parents along with amazing friends saved me from a complete emotional and physical breakdown. There were certain people, carefully placed in my path, who walked step by step with the boys and me as the foundation of our eternal family collapsed. <br /><br />I don’t remember much about the plane ride to California except that, I knew that if I could just get there my mom would be waiting. The boys and I spent the next three weeks trying to figure out how to get up in the morning. By the end of the planned three weeks, I made the decision to stay in California. My father accompanied me back to Florida to pack the house and go to court (Florida law is only 20 days for the divorce to be final). My father and a close friend supported me in court. It was a very emotional moment as we walked out of the courtroom, I took off my ring and my friend mentioned that we could see the temple from the window. I looked out and sure enough, while standing in the place where my eternal marriage had just ended, I could see where it all began. <br /><br />In California, I continued my weekly counseling at LDS Family Services. My personal dedication to getting better and having a professional coaching me made the process happen very fast. In February I started an amazing experience, working through the grieving process and forgiveness. I remember not understanding how I was going to get from A to Z, but week by week I did it. My sessions in therapy were difficult, sometimes almost unbearable, but by the end of April I had completed every step and achieved my goals. I was able to forgive all the hurt, humiliation, lies, deceit, lost dreams, abuse, and anger. Sad, that my family and eternal marriage fell apart, yes, but there was an amazing peace that came with grieving those losses, forgiving myself and him and accepting that I would be OK and could move forward in my life. Throughout the year I have continued to counsel with my Bishop and Family Services to increase the peace and happiness in my life. I have realized that refocusing my efforts to continually find peace is an everyday goal and an everyday achievement.<br />Most of my questions are still unanswered by something more than the simple text book answers. But the more I search within myself and learn about me the more peace I am finding. In all the mess that my life has been the greatest blessing has to be finding ME. I have picked up the broken pieces of my life, one at a time, examined them, reshaped some of them, and fit them back together in a way that I can be the person I am today. I am not the same person I was a year ago, I never will be. I am stronger, more alive. <br /><br />Finding out who I am and where the boys and I fit has become my journey. I am happy and my boys are happy. Life can be really hard but at the end of each day we have each other. The three of us are who we depend upon, where we feel safe and where love is simple. The boys miss there dad, but are very accepting of their new family where “daddy doesn’t live with us, is just mommy’s friend and still loves us”. To my journey’s end I will continue to pick up the pieces of my life, one at a time, examine them, reshape some of them, and place them back together in a healthy and happy way that my boys and I can thrive on, be who we are and fit where we fit.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-48087791339952380442008-09-02T21:17:00.000-07:002008-09-09T21:15:43.798-07:00Emily's StoryMy story… now there’s a quick and easy thing to write. Okay, Reader’s Digest version: My dad was gay. My parents were divorced when I was ten. My dad died of AIDS in our home when I was sixteen. My mom wrote a book about it. We were in People Magazine, on Geraldo, Regis and Kathie Lee, Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt, San Francisco’s People Are Talking…my parents wedding picture was even on the cover of the Weekly World News. In my early teenage years I spent much time with my dad, who was my very best friend, on Castro Street where drag queens also became some of the dearest friends I have ever had. In 1993, roughly nine years after my father’s death, I also married a gay man. Two children and six and a half years later we divorced.<br /><br />Many of the details of My Big, Fat, Gay Wedding and the events that led me to consciously leap into that abyss are too long and complicated to write here – refer to my memoir and blog Dancing With Crazy (shameless plug, I know.)<br /><br />No one but a woman who has experienced what we have experienced can know what it’s like. How being married to a gay man makes a woman feel about herself, her body, her worth… it colors just about everything. The great thing is how wonderful my life is now. Since my divorce eight years ago I have dated many deliciously heterosexual men, have worked very hard through enumerable issues and have finally fallen head over heels in love with myself. What a concept. It has been a long and painful journey but I can honestly say I am happier than I have ever been in my life.<br /><br />I am in the unique position of being the daughter of a homosexual, former wife of a homosexual, and mother of two beautiful children who have a homosexual father. There is no “expert” out there that can tell me how to be me. There may be some great general parenting advice that I heed for my own children, but for the most part I am relying on my own experience of having a gay father. I know what hurt me and what didn’t. I know the things I want to do and the things I don’t want to do. Will I make mistakes? Without question. But I am doing the very best I possibly can. So did my parents. So are we all. <br /><br />Growing up in our society, and especially (in my case) in the Mormon Church – or any other right wing /conservative religion - with a gay parent is extremely challenging, confusing and painful. But it doesn’t always have to be. As far as the world at large goes, homosexuality is more and more accepted and understood. Our children will feel about it, for the most part, the way we feel about it. They will absorb the attitudes we have and “energy” we hold about it. If we think it’s awful and evil and terrible and ugly, they will feel confused and torn. Feeling like I had to choose between my dad and God broke me in half and caused tremendous emotional and spiritual problems in my life. If we let our children know that it’s not a great, huge, end of the world big deal - that it’s just the way daddy is and that there are a lot of other kids out there with gay mommies and daddies, that will tend to be their attitude as well. Sure, they will still have to face hard stuff at school and with friends as they grow up and figure out this crazy world on their own. In my opinion the very best thing we can do is to help them accept that homosexuality just is what it is. Some people are gay, some people are straight - end of story. <br /><br />I have been choking on this issue since I was twelve years old. I have run the gamut of possible beliefs and emotions. I have gone from waving my little rainbow flag, a defender of homosexuality to the death, to the opposite extreme of judging it harshly with righteous indignation and disgust. There has been rage, sorrow, confusion, acceptance, love, hurt, back to rage, sorrow, confusion... over and over again. I have screamed at the heavens to please make things different. I have prayed, begged, demanded, pled until my knees were bloody and my knuckles bruised from pounding on God’s door. Guess what I got? A whole lotta love, and wisdom, and experience, and emotional depth and refinement - all of which I am grateful for - but that’s about it. Nothing changed that I had wanted changed. I have learned to accept that things simply are the way they are and no screaming and arguing with reality is going to change it. IT just is what IT is and expecting IT to be something else made me crazy and depressed. I have surrendered to what my life is and what my life is not and I am finally finding peace.<br /><br />Do I believe homosexuality is evil? Hell no. Do I believe it can be healed and changed? No, I do not. Nor do I believe it should be. My gay male friends are among the most vibrant of the colors that decorate my life and I would never, ever trade them for anything. This does not, however, mean that I would ever encourage one of my straight female friends to marry one of them. I wouldn't. Not in a million years. <br /><br />Especially as wives that feel betrayed, humiliated, and abandoned there is much to be angry about. It’s okay to be angry. Feel it and work through it and let it go. Do I believe that we should forgive them? Without question. Not because we owe it to them or because God commands it, but because the alternative is exhausting and robs us of much of the joy that life has to offer. Being endlessly angry with our former husbands (or anyone else for that matter) is like us drinking poison hoping that it will kill them. As mothers, we <em>must</em> think of our children. If we are outwardly angry, belittling of our children’s fathers, make them feel they have to choose between their dads and us, or their dads and a family or a church, or if we seek to undermine our children’s relationships with them it will hurt our children tremendously. Just because a man is gay it doesn’t mean that he is a bad father, a pervert, a pedophile, or a dangerous degenerate. They may have been unbelievably dishonest and unfaithful and those issues need to be addressed. But don’t punish them for being homosexual. They didn’t choose their sexual orientation any more than we chose our nationality or eye color. <br /><br />Okay, I’m done – for now. We could go on and on and around and around – which I’m sure we will do a great deal in the future. For now let’s get in touch, get together, and get moving.<br /><br />In 2003 I was put in touch with Julie Cruz, a woman who was recently divorced from her gay husband. We hit it off immediately. As she and I talked we decided that something had to be done for all the other women who are in our same boat. I had been thinking of doing weekend retreats for women for a long time and as Julie and I talked, everything just kind of fell into place very quickly. <br /><br />As we searched for a name for this thing we were starting, we knew we wanted something beautiful, feminine, strong, earthy and alive…something with meaning. As we started throwing out names of flowers, “Wives of Pansies” made us giggle but was quickly dismissed. We tried everything but nothing worked. Then one day Julie called. “Em, what about Wildflowers?” My heart skipped a beat. That was it! My dad’s ashes had been mixed with wildflower seeds and planted on Mt. Tamalpais overlooking San Francisco. My brother had written, and recorded, a great song about it “My daddy, he’s a wildflower. On Mt. Tamalpais by the sea…” I had played it for Julie and she hadn’t been able to get it out of her mind. It was perfect - feminine and “wild” and loaded with meaning. <br /><br />My dad always wanted us, him and me, to make a difference. I think we still can. This is for my dad. And this is for my children. It is for all of us. <br /><br />We are wildflowers – beautiful, alive, strong and rising.Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9154066149083198636.post-27928450571711048762008-09-01T22:12:00.000-07:002008-09-09T21:17:39.704-07:00Welcome to WildflowersWelcome to Wildflowers – founded in 2003 as a website/resource now turned blog for women formerly, or currently, married to homosexual men – dedicated to sharing and acknowledging one another’s journeys, pain, anger and disillusionment while reaching for understanding, enlightenment and peace. We are committed to the healing, growth and education of ourselves, our children, our families, and our communities. <br /><br />Wildflower women come from all walks of life. We have different educational, social and religious backgrounds. Whether we have a PhD or are a high school drop out, are Jewish, Christian, Catholic, Mormon, Buddhist, Atheist or worship the Moon Goddess of chocolate and sushi – we are all human, we are all women and, once upon a time, we all married homosexual men. <br /><br />How many of us actually grew up dreaming of marrying a gay man? We think it’s pretty safe to say not one. None of us ever imagined as young girls, or teenagers, that our Prince Charming would actually prefer to wear the glass slipper himself. We all started out with hopes and dreams that were eventually either dashed or enormously dimmed. Now we are left with emotions that, at times, feel far too much to handle and hundreds of questions that have no easy answers. <br /><br />How do we address the things we have always been taught about the nature of homosexuality now that it has so tremendously affected us personally – not to mention our families and marriages? Is the man we once loved, and may still love, now the enemy because of his orientation? Can it actually be repaired and healed like so many of us have been taught and, what’s more, should it be? Did he / we just not try hard enough, have the right therapy, or enough faith? What do we tell our children? Will he be a bad influence on them? Is it better to keep the kids away from a gay man – even though he is their father? Do we really have to forgive him? How do we even begin to work through the pain, anger and humiliation we feel about all the deception and infidelity? Many of our husbands gave us sexually transmitted diseases – some cleared up, some will always be a part of our existence and some of us are living with the life threatening HIV / AIDS virus. Some of us still have the psychological, emotional, or religious framework we started out with while many of us are struggling with enormous frustration over the often unsatisfactory and oversimplified answers we have been given and are undergoing massive, difficult and sometimes frightening personal make-overs. It’s all completely overwhelming and vastly complex. No woman should have to face these challenges on her own. <br /><br />Now no woman has to.<br /><br />The purpose of this blog is to reach out, to educate, communicate and share our experiences. To put women in touch with women and to provide a safe place to express, grieve, and heal - a place where we can awaken and revive our slumbering souls. John Bradshaw said, "When we hear others' stories, they connect us with something larger. They connect us to our archetypal depths... All of our stories tell of a hero / heroine, a divine child who was exiled and who is on a journey to find his or her true self." Remember what it was like to feel pretty, wanted, strong, vibrant and completely alive? Remember as little girls the joy we felt having crushes, playing in the rain, having pillow fights, making dandelion bouquets, giggling with girlfriends and eating ice cream cones without once worrying how it was going to affect our thighs? Remember who we were and what life was like before HIS SEXUALITY eclipsed everything? <br /><br />Regardless of whether we are divorced or still trying to make our marriages work, we all must reclaim who we are and what it is we want out of life. We are each of us a phoenix rising from the ashes and it is time to soar. Time to breathe in the fresh air, feel the sunshine, laugh, cry, dream and eat some chocolate. It is time to fall in love with our selves. Time to celebrate being women. It is time to be wild.<br /><br /><em> “…The word “wild” here is not used in it’s modern pejorative sense, meaning out of control, but in it’s original sense, which means to live a natural life, one in which the creature has innate integrity and healthy boundaries. These words, wild and woman, cause women to remember who they are and what they are about. They create a metaphor to describe the force which funds all females. They personify a force that women cannot live without.” </em><br /><br /><em>(Clarissa Pinkola Estés<br />"Women Who Run With the Wolves"© All rights reserved.<br />Ballentine / Random House 1992, 1995<br />Quoted with permission of author and publisher<br />For permission to excerpt or quote contact Rights & Permissions<br />NGandelman@aol.com)</em>Emily Pearsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05575512268402382364noreply@blogger.com0