Laughter is good, Ladies!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Anonymous Email To An Anonymous Wildflower
Yeah, there is a lot of "Anonymous" on this blog - which is as it should be when there are spouses and children involved. This was written by a woman in our group to a new member going through the big blow up. So happy she was willing to share...
"First of all, I want to let you know how much light and strength and beauty I see in you! AMAZING! You look at real life, not sugar coating it, but still manage to beautifully maintain your boundaries, protect yourself and your kids, negotiate the thorny and painful relationship with the LDS Church, and move forward with your life. WOW.
I am here to tell you that, five years post-divorce my life has unfolded to beauty and joy and FUN that I never dared to dream before. And I am freakin' 56 years old! I have learned that I CAN support myself financially and thrive and make a professional name for myself, even though I didn't finish my degree... yet.
I have seen my children emerge from a complete shattering of their lives after seeing their "righteous" Mormon dad come out, watching the marriage and family seemingly end, losing our big "rich" house and lifestyle, etc... They were teenagers when it all happened. Now three of the four are happily married or in a long-term (heterosexual) relationships. And my 21 year old "baby" and I finally have a great relationship. They love both their mom and gay dad. I did NOT lose my family. I just let go of the SICKNESS that was created by lies and craziness... and the beauty of our real connection has flourished.
AND... I have found STRAIGHT love and sex is UNBELIEVABLE! My Wildflowers sisters are shocked, I know. I was the "Mother Theresa" - celibate, never kissed a guy for nearly 5 years after my divorce. But I really believe that for each of us there is a healing for every wound. And it has been amazing to FEEL desired and sexy and connected. It really is truer than you know that the cause of your feelings of not being desired and loved is on HIS side of the bed, not yours. If a 56 year old, overweight, borderline frigid woman like me can experience a renewal of the paradisaical glory like I have, Honey, there is hope for you!
There is a future so bright for you. As bright as your darkest days were dark. Brighter even.
I am still navigating my relationship with the Mormon Church. I see things from such a different perspective. Thanks to Emily's mom, Carol Lynn, just a short year ago, I reconnected to the "feminine divine" - that eternal, powerful, healing, comforting Mother who has altered my life forever. I have reconnected with my own highest self. I have been led to energy work and the amazing transformation that can happen in our lives. I am working on returning to school to get my Masters and open a therapy practice - which I have wanted to do ALL of my life. But now is the right time for me.
Life is as different for me now as the soaring butterfly that looks down at the little fuzzy caterpillars in the garden and wonders, "Was that REALLY what I used to be???" Yet as a caterpillar I loved the soft dirt under my little feet, and the green leaves. Now I fly on the air and drink nectar. Yet I am the same person, the same being. But transformed.
Oh my gosh, I just looked out my window and a HUGE yellow swallowtail butterfly was outside of my office. COOL! It's a sign!
You are in what I call "goo time" - in the chrysalis, a caterpillar literally dissolves into goo. Then a few "imaginal" cells somehow transform their DNA, and the rest of the goo follows transforming cell by cell until a butterfly forms.
Goo time is not fun. The whole world seems unfamiliar. You feel stuck or that life is unraveling or that nothing is happening. Yet deep within the fiber of your life and soul, 'imaginal cells' are leading the way for the new person you will be. Be patient, have bright hope, follow your intuition, surround yourself with those whose energy will activate and hasten the transformation. It is already happening.
I don't for a minute discount the pain you are going through, or the hard work you will have to do. But you will be ok, I promise. MORE than ok.
AND - no matter how messed up you think this will make your kids; they will also heal and transform. There is a happy ending. I have been down the road ahead of you, and I am here to tell you, it will be there for you.
Take care, and keep in touch. You are loved!
"First of all, I want to let you know how much light and strength and beauty I see in you! AMAZING! You look at real life, not sugar coating it, but still manage to beautifully maintain your boundaries, protect yourself and your kids, negotiate the thorny and painful relationship with the LDS Church, and move forward with your life. WOW.
I am here to tell you that, five years post-divorce my life has unfolded to beauty and joy and FUN that I never dared to dream before. And I am freakin' 56 years old! I have learned that I CAN support myself financially and thrive and make a professional name for myself, even though I didn't finish my degree... yet.
I have seen my children emerge from a complete shattering of their lives after seeing their "righteous" Mormon dad come out, watching the marriage and family seemingly end, losing our big "rich" house and lifestyle, etc... They were teenagers when it all happened. Now three of the four are happily married or in a long-term (heterosexual) relationships. And my 21 year old "baby" and I finally have a great relationship. They love both their mom and gay dad. I did NOT lose my family. I just let go of the SICKNESS that was created by lies and craziness... and the beauty of our real connection has flourished.
AND... I have found STRAIGHT love and sex is UNBELIEVABLE! My Wildflowers sisters are shocked, I know. I was the "Mother Theresa" - celibate, never kissed a guy for nearly 5 years after my divorce. But I really believe that for each of us there is a healing for every wound. And it has been amazing to FEEL desired and sexy and connected. It really is truer than you know that the cause of your feelings of not being desired and loved is on HIS side of the bed, not yours. If a 56 year old, overweight, borderline frigid woman like me can experience a renewal of the paradisaical glory like I have, Honey, there is hope for you!
There is a future so bright for you. As bright as your darkest days were dark. Brighter even.
I am still navigating my relationship with the Mormon Church. I see things from such a different perspective. Thanks to Emily's mom, Carol Lynn, just a short year ago, I reconnected to the "feminine divine" - that eternal, powerful, healing, comforting Mother who has altered my life forever. I have reconnected with my own highest self. I have been led to energy work and the amazing transformation that can happen in our lives. I am working on returning to school to get my Masters and open a therapy practice - which I have wanted to do ALL of my life. But now is the right time for me.
Life is as different for me now as the soaring butterfly that looks down at the little fuzzy caterpillars in the garden and wonders, "Was that REALLY what I used to be???" Yet as a caterpillar I loved the soft dirt under my little feet, and the green leaves. Now I fly on the air and drink nectar. Yet I am the same person, the same being. But transformed.
Oh my gosh, I just looked out my window and a HUGE yellow swallowtail butterfly was outside of my office. COOL! It's a sign!
You are in what I call "goo time" - in the chrysalis, a caterpillar literally dissolves into goo. Then a few "imaginal" cells somehow transform their DNA, and the rest of the goo follows transforming cell by cell until a butterfly forms.
Goo time is not fun. The whole world seems unfamiliar. You feel stuck or that life is unraveling or that nothing is happening. Yet deep within the fiber of your life and soul, 'imaginal cells' are leading the way for the new person you will be. Be patient, have bright hope, follow your intuition, surround yourself with those whose energy will activate and hasten the transformation. It is already happening.
I don't for a minute discount the pain you are going through, or the hard work you will have to do. But you will be ok, I promise. MORE than ok.
AND - no matter how messed up you think this will make your kids; they will also heal and transform. There is a happy ending. I have been down the road ahead of you, and I am here to tell you, it will be there for you.
Take care, and keep in touch. You are loved!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Affirmation
Dear God:
The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong and I love her.
Help her live her life to the fullest.
Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.
Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.
Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most
And let her know when she walks with you..
She will always be safe.
The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong and I love her.
Help her live her life to the fullest.
Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.
Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.
Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most
And let her know when she walks with you..
She will always be safe.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Lost And Found
To me one of the hardest things about staying married to a gay man for any length of time is that, once you have been given the full information, you are dragged into his closet and forced to live there with him. Suddenly you are living with this secret, and the shattering pain and humiliation it is causing you, pretty much isolated and completely alone. Often, understandably, he doesn't want you to tell anyone while he either experiments and figures out what he is going to do or stays closeted forever in an attempt to live the life of a straight man.
Every single thing suddenly becomes about, and revolves around, his "issue." It eclipses everything. All other marital problems, those that any couple deals with, are swept under the rug or filed under the category of "Because He is Gay" and become too big and confusing to deal with and work on. It consumes our every waking thought and often our sleep as well. It affects how we look at ourselves and our lives and how we do nearly everything. It is hard enough for women to not lose themselves completely in marriage and motherhood but when we find out, or finally face the fact, that our husbands are gay - it is nearly impossible to not disappear completely.
We find ourselves being held hostage in his closet. The clothes are his. The smells are his. The shoes are his. It is dark and frightening and miserable. The worst part is that we let HIM have the key and we wait for HIM to decide whether or not we ever get to come out. Unless a woman has been there, it is impossible to understand the despair this situation brings.
Whether we decide to leave the marriage or stay - it is imperative that we rescue ourselves, separate ourselves from his sexuality and reclaim who we are. If you are a woman that has chosen to live with him in his closet I cannot recommend highly enough that you not blast the "He's gay" information from the rooftops but share the situation with ONE trusted friend or relative. I do believe that every gay person deserves to come out to who they want when they want and that their privacy should absolutely be protected. BUT the wife of a gay man desperately needs at least one person to confide in and get support from. Talk to someone.
And if you choose to stay - Honey, you take your freaking sledge hammer to that closet and expand it into the biggest walk in anyone has ever seen. Put in windows and vaulted ceilings and shelves and artwork and your clothing and your perfume and every alive and beautiful thing that screams YOU because this is your life too and remaining lost is no longer an option.
There are many, many painful problems that accompany marriages between gay and straight people but I think we often make it mean more than it really does. We let it be far bigger than it is and let it eclipse more than we should. Is it confusing and painful as hell? Without question. But does it mean what we make it mean - that we are not attractive, desirable, beautiful, talented, fun, alive and worthy of love? NO. It simply means he is gay and we do with that what we will. We claim for ourselves what we will.
Still married, separated or divorced the trick, and task, is to find ourselves again. Take out old pictures and remember who you were before he came into your life. Pick up old musical instruments and hobbies. Put on music. Dance. Run. Eat chocolate. Have as many Girl's Nights Out as you can. Paint your toenails bright red. Stare at your naked body in the mirror and have a conversation with it. I am not kidding. Tell your body that it is beautiful and desirable because it is female - not in spite of that fact. Do this every day until you believe it. Slather yourself with yummy lotion. Buy pretty lingerie just for YOU. Read books that YOU like. See movies that YOU like. Prepare food that YOU like.
Remember that this is your life and you are ultimately here on this planet for you. The birds sing for you. The breeze blows for you. The flowers bloom for you. The moon rises and the stars shine for you. The world is overflowing with joy and laughter and precious moments and miracles and gifts and party favors for you.
And, guess what? It doesn't have one teeny, tiny, little, itty, bitty thing to do with him.
Every single thing suddenly becomes about, and revolves around, his "issue." It eclipses everything. All other marital problems, those that any couple deals with, are swept under the rug or filed under the category of "Because He is Gay" and become too big and confusing to deal with and work on. It consumes our every waking thought and often our sleep as well. It affects how we look at ourselves and our lives and how we do nearly everything. It is hard enough for women to not lose themselves completely in marriage and motherhood but when we find out, or finally face the fact, that our husbands are gay - it is nearly impossible to not disappear completely.
We find ourselves being held hostage in his closet. The clothes are his. The smells are his. The shoes are his. It is dark and frightening and miserable. The worst part is that we let HIM have the key and we wait for HIM to decide whether or not we ever get to come out. Unless a woman has been there, it is impossible to understand the despair this situation brings.
Whether we decide to leave the marriage or stay - it is imperative that we rescue ourselves, separate ourselves from his sexuality and reclaim who we are. If you are a woman that has chosen to live with him in his closet I cannot recommend highly enough that you not blast the "He's gay" information from the rooftops but share the situation with ONE trusted friend or relative. I do believe that every gay person deserves to come out to who they want when they want and that their privacy should absolutely be protected. BUT the wife of a gay man desperately needs at least one person to confide in and get support from. Talk to someone.
And if you choose to stay - Honey, you take your freaking sledge hammer to that closet and expand it into the biggest walk in anyone has ever seen. Put in windows and vaulted ceilings and shelves and artwork and your clothing and your perfume and every alive and beautiful thing that screams YOU because this is your life too and remaining lost is no longer an option.
There are many, many painful problems that accompany marriages between gay and straight people but I think we often make it mean more than it really does. We let it be far bigger than it is and let it eclipse more than we should. Is it confusing and painful as hell? Without question. But does it mean what we make it mean - that we are not attractive, desirable, beautiful, talented, fun, alive and worthy of love? NO. It simply means he is gay and we do with that what we will. We claim for ourselves what we will.
Still married, separated or divorced the trick, and task, is to find ourselves again. Take out old pictures and remember who you were before he came into your life. Pick up old musical instruments and hobbies. Put on music. Dance. Run. Eat chocolate. Have as many Girl's Nights Out as you can. Paint your toenails bright red. Stare at your naked body in the mirror and have a conversation with it. I am not kidding. Tell your body that it is beautiful and desirable because it is female - not in spite of that fact. Do this every day until you believe it. Slather yourself with yummy lotion. Buy pretty lingerie just for YOU. Read books that YOU like. See movies that YOU like. Prepare food that YOU like.
Remember that this is your life and you are ultimately here on this planet for you. The birds sing for you. The breeze blows for you. The flowers bloom for you. The moon rises and the stars shine for you. The world is overflowing with joy and laughter and precious moments and miracles and gifts and party favors for you.
And, guess what? It doesn't have one teeny, tiny, little, itty, bitty thing to do with him.
Friday, February 13, 2009
SHE...
Happy Valentines Day you beautiful, wild women! I am here to remind you that, regardless of your single / divorced status - whether you have a gay husband, new straight husband, boyfriend or if you are totally independent this year - today is a day to remember to fall deeper and deeper in love with YOU. Celebrate being a woman. Celebrate all the glorious, sexy, wonderful and vibrant things that you are.
The following is the text of a favorite gift book, by Kobi Yamada [Compendium publishing], that I keep by my bed. I cannot recommend it highly enough. If you're able, grab one for yourself and every woman you know and love.
Happy Love Yourself Day!!!
SHE...
CELEBRATE HER PASSION...
She loved life and it loved her right back.
CELEBRATE HER WISDOM...
She listened to her heart above all the other voices.
CELEBRATE HER PRIORITIES...
She pursued big dreams instead of small realities.
CELEBRATE HER RESILIENCY...
She saw every ending as a new beginning.
CELEBRATE HER SELF-ESTEEM...
She discovered her real measurements had nothing to do with numbers or statistics.
CELEBRATE HER TENDERNESS...
She was kind, loving and patient with herself.
CELEBRATE HER ACCOUNTABILITY...
She woke up one day and threw away all her excuses.
CELEBRATE HER SPIRIT...
She realized that she was missing a great deal by being sensible.
CELEBRATE HER GOALS...
She turned her cant's into cans, and her dreams into plans.
CELEBRATE HER INDEPENDENCE...
She ignored people who said it couldn't be done.
CELEBRATE HER MAGIC...
She had a way of turning obstacles into opportunities.
CELEBRATE HER FAITH...
She went out on a limb, had it break off behind her, and discovered she could fly.
CELEBRATE HER SELF-RELIANCE...
She discovered that she was the one she'd been waiting for.
CELEBRATE HER PRESENCE...
She added so much beauty to being human.
CELEBRATE HER FRIENDSHIP...
She walked in when everyone else walked out.
CELEBRATE HER RADIANCE...
She just had this way of brightening the day.
CELEBRATE HER WARMTH...
She made the whole world feel like home.
CELEBRATE HER CHOICES...
She decided to enjoy more and endure less.
CELEBRATE HER FREEDOM...
She decided to start living the life she'd imagined.
CELEBRATE HER OPTIMISM...
She colored her thoughts with only the brightest hues.
CELEBRATE HER BRILLIANCE...
She was an artist and her life was her canvas.
CELEBRATE HER BRAVERY...
She ran ahead where there were no paths.
CELEBRATE HER JOIE DE VIVRE...
She crossed borders, recklessly, refusing to recognize limits, saying bonjour and buon giorno as though she owned both France and Italy and the day itself.
CELEBRATE HER STRENGTH...
She held her head high and looked the world straight in the eye.
CELEBRATE HER COMPASSION...
She not only saw a light at the end of the tunnel, she became that light for others.
CELEBRATE HER JOY...
She designed a life she loved.
CELEBRATE HER DARING...
She took the leap and built her wings on the way down.
CELEBRATE HER HAPPINESS...
She said bye-bye to unhealthy relationships.
CELEBRATE HER AUTHENTICITY...
She remained true to herself.
CELEBRATE HER...
She made the world a better place.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Absolutely True Ballad Of Tommy and Molly
I cannot tell you the absolute glee that filled my being when, not only was I told this unbelievably ridiculous tale, but was given permission to blog it.
Tommy, NOT his real name, is a friend of mine. Molly, NOT her real name either, is not - although she should be. She soooo needs me. Except, if this woman were my friend I would seriously have to hit her with something heavy that smelled of old cheese - so never mind. I swear that every word of this is true. And I suspect that, as painful as it is to admit it, a few of us - including my formerly mindless self - can relate.
Back Story: Tommy and Molly were friends in high school. Not close friends but they did attend a school dance together. She is now a single returned Mormon missionary in her thirties, Primary President (Primary is the church program for children), and proud cat owner. Tommy is a big, beautiful gay man who is about as Mormon as I am and has been in a solid and enviable relationship for nine years.
So, Molly contacts Tommy on Facebook and asks him if he ever got the message she left with his father. No, he did not. Seems she has been trying to find him, needs to talk to him and, clearly, sees the Facebook connection as a sign that their reunion is "meant to be."
Tommy is on Facebook one night and Molly sends him an Instant Message. "Can I call you?" Tommy..." Um... I guess."
11:30 PM. Phone rings.
Tommy: Hello?
Molly: Hi Tommy, it's Molly.
[Chit chat about Primary and cats. Then...]
Molly: I have something I want to ask you. Kathy told me you are gay. Is that true?
Tommy: Yes, it's true. I am gay.
Molly: Well... [pause] How gay are you?
Tommy: Um... pretty much as gay as you can get.
Molly: Have you ever acted on it?
Tommy: Yep. Pretty much for the past ten years.
[Quiet]
Molly: I have to tell you something weird.
Tommy: Okay...
Molly: I've been having this dream about you for the past year.
[Quiet]
Tommy: Okay...
Molly: My dream is, basically, that we should be more than friends.
Tommy: Um... what does that mean?
Molly: I think... that we are eternal companions.
Tommy: Um... well... I'm gay.
Molly: Well, I talked to my bishop about it and he said that I should talk to you about my dream - about us being more that just friends.
Tommy: [Stunned silence.]
Molly: I really think we are meant to be. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says that I met my eternal companion in the pre-existence and that if he doesn't make the right choices I will be alone. Are you willing to make the right choices, Tommy? Are you willing to use the Atonement? Are you willing to erase your sin so that we can be together? Because... I'd be willing to help you work through it.
Tommy: I'm very flattered but... I Am Gay. And I'm very happy in my relationship. I don't feel like it's a sin and I'm really comfortable with where I'm at.
Molly: Well, I really feel like this is my destiny and I'm afraid that you're going to mess it up.
Tommy: Um, Molly, I don't really know what else to say. It's late and this really isn't a good time...
Molly: Remember that I am the Primary President and would love to have you come to church with me so you can learn from those pure little souls and follow their example...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Ladies... do I really need to ask? What is WRONG with this picture???
Tommy, NOT his real name, is a friend of mine. Molly, NOT her real name either, is not - although she should be. She soooo needs me. Except, if this woman were my friend I would seriously have to hit her with something heavy that smelled of old cheese - so never mind. I swear that every word of this is true. And I suspect that, as painful as it is to admit it, a few of us - including my formerly mindless self - can relate.
Back Story: Tommy and Molly were friends in high school. Not close friends but they did attend a school dance together. She is now a single returned Mormon missionary in her thirties, Primary President (Primary is the church program for children), and proud cat owner. Tommy is a big, beautiful gay man who is about as Mormon as I am and has been in a solid and enviable relationship for nine years.
So, Molly contacts Tommy on Facebook and asks him if he ever got the message she left with his father. No, he did not. Seems she has been trying to find him, needs to talk to him and, clearly, sees the Facebook connection as a sign that their reunion is "meant to be."
Tommy is on Facebook one night and Molly sends him an Instant Message. "Can I call you?" Tommy..." Um... I guess."
11:30 PM. Phone rings.
Tommy: Hello?
Molly: Hi Tommy, it's Molly.
[Chit chat about Primary and cats. Then...]
Molly: I have something I want to ask you. Kathy told me you are gay. Is that true?
Tommy: Yes, it's true. I am gay.
Molly: Well... [pause] How gay are you?
Tommy: Um... pretty much as gay as you can get.
Molly: Have you ever acted on it?
Tommy: Yep. Pretty much for the past ten years.
[Quiet]
Molly: I have to tell you something weird.
Tommy: Okay...
Molly: I've been having this dream about you for the past year.
[Quiet]
Tommy: Okay...
Molly: My dream is, basically, that we should be more than friends.
Tommy: Um... what does that mean?
Molly: I think... that we are eternal companions.
Tommy: Um... well... I'm gay.
Molly: Well, I talked to my bishop about it and he said that I should talk to you about my dream - about us being more that just friends.
Tommy: [Stunned silence.]
Molly: I really think we are meant to be. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says that I met my eternal companion in the pre-existence and that if he doesn't make the right choices I will be alone. Are you willing to make the right choices, Tommy? Are you willing to use the Atonement? Are you willing to erase your sin so that we can be together? Because... I'd be willing to help you work through it.
Tommy: I'm very flattered but... I Am Gay. And I'm very happy in my relationship. I don't feel like it's a sin and I'm really comfortable with where I'm at.
Molly: Well, I really feel like this is my destiny and I'm afraid that you're going to mess it up.
Tommy: Um, Molly, I don't really know what else to say. It's late and this really isn't a good time...
Molly: Remember that I am the Primary President and would love to have you come to church with me so you can learn from those pure little souls and follow their example...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Ladies... do I really need to ask? What is WRONG with this picture???
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sarah's Story
This brilliant, bold and beautifully honest conversation between Wildflower supporter Clark Johnsen and his, our, friend Sarah is a must watch for every Wildflower woman.
This is Part 1 of 7. Parts 2-7 are available on YouTube.
Thank you Sarah.
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