Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Anonymous Email To An Anonymous Wildflower

Yeah, there is a lot of "Anonymous" on this blog - which is as it should be when there are spouses and children involved. This was written by a woman in our group to a new member going through the big blow up. So happy she was willing to share...

"First of all, I want to let you know how much light and strength and beauty I see in you! AMAZING! You look at real life, not sugar coating it, but still manage to beautifully maintain your boundaries, protect yourself and your kids, negotiate the thorny and painful relationship with the LDS Church, and move forward with your life. WOW.

I am here to tell you that, five years post-divorce my life has unfolded to beauty and joy and FUN that I never dared to dream before. And I am freakin' 56 years old! I have learned that I CAN support myself financially and thrive and make a professional name for myself, even though I didn't finish my degree... yet.

I have seen my children emerge from a complete shattering of their lives after seeing their "righteous" Mormon dad come out, watching the marriage and family seemingly end, losing our big "rich" house and lifestyle, etc... They were teenagers when it all happened. Now three of the four are happily married or in a long-term (heterosexual) relationships. And my 21 year old "baby" and I finally have a great relationship. They love both their mom and gay dad. I did NOT lose my family. I just let go of the SICKNESS that was created by lies and craziness... and the beauty of our real connection has flourished.

AND... I have found STRAIGHT love and sex is UNBELIEVABLE! My Wildflowers sisters are shocked, I know. I was the "Mother Theresa" - celibate, never kissed a guy for nearly 5 years after my divorce. But I really believe that for each of us there is a healing for every wound. And it has been amazing to FEEL desired and sexy and connected. It really is truer than you know that the cause of your feelings of not being desired and loved is on HIS side of the bed, not yours. If a 56 year old, overweight, borderline frigid woman like me can experience a renewal of the paradisaical glory like I have, Honey, there is hope for you!

There is a future so bright for you. As bright as your darkest days were dark. Brighter even.

I am still navigating my relationship with the Mormon Church. I see things from such a different perspective. Thanks to Emily's mom, Carol Lynn, just a short year ago, I reconnected to the "feminine divine" - that eternal, powerful, healing, comforting Mother who has altered my life forever. I have reconnected with my own highest self. I have been led to energy work and the amazing transformation that can happen in our lives. I am working on returning to school to get my Masters and open a therapy practice - which I have wanted to do ALL of my life. But now is the right time for me.

Life is as different for me now as the soaring butterfly that looks down at the little fuzzy caterpillars in the garden and wonders, "Was that REALLY what I used to be???" Yet as a caterpillar I loved the soft dirt under my little feet, and the green leaves. Now I fly on the air and drink nectar. Yet I am the same person, the same being. But transformed.

Oh my gosh, I just looked out my window and a HUGE yellow swallowtail butterfly was outside of my office. COOL! It's a sign!

You are in what I call "goo time" - in the chrysalis, a caterpillar literally dissolves into goo. Then a few "imaginal" cells somehow transform their DNA, and the rest of the goo follows transforming cell by cell until a butterfly forms.

Goo time is not fun. The whole world seems unfamiliar. You feel stuck or that life is unraveling or that nothing is happening. Yet deep within the fiber of your life and soul, 'imaginal cells' are leading the way for the new person you will be. Be patient, have bright hope, follow your intuition, surround yourself with those whose energy will activate and hasten the transformation. It is already happening.

I don't for a minute discount the pain you are going through, or the hard work you will have to do. But you will be ok, I promise. MORE than ok.

AND - no matter how messed up you think this will make your kids; they will also heal and transform. There is a happy ending. I have been down the road ahead of you, and I am here to tell you, it will be there for you.

Take care, and keep in touch. You are loved!


Arya said...

Thank so much for posting this! I've been married for over 14 years to a man who I firmly believe is a closet gay in deeply-rooted religious denial. I highly doubt that he will ever come to terms with his orientation because he believes gay is wrong, it is just an act and it is a choice....therefore, he can't possibly be gay. Despite what he says, I have reason to believe that he's on the down low and just fighting to save his image. He's put on his "perfect married man" image and has let me think that there is nothing wrong with his lack of drive or interest in me. Like so many other closeted gays I've read about, his denial has swelled into narcissism, controlling behavior and general verbal/emotional abuse issues.

I told him in February that I want out of our marriage and I did tell him that I think he's gay. It may not have been the right thing to do because I think it's pushed him deeper into denial. I realized it might have that effect but felt it was necessary to tell him my real reason. Getting in to how he's abusive would be a waste of breath because I still see those as symptoms of his denial. It's been a rough road since I told him that this marriage is over and I assume that the divorce process will be no-less frustrating. He got his divorce papers yesterday and he’s working his emotional-blackmail skills. He thinks he's done nothing wrong and is playing the victim. I am doing my best to keep my focus on the goal and how things will be a year or more from now.

I've been astounded by how many people go through this ordeal and certainly appreciate sites like yours to help me along the way. It’s great to hear your view from the other side of the tunnel.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and just what I need right now - hope.

My husband of 32 years who I thought may have lung cancer turned out to have AIDS and rectal cancer. Even though he has been having sex with anonymous men weekly for 15 years, he says he is not gay. Fortunately for me, I was not sexy enough and have not been touched in 10 years. At least I am HIV negative!

He wants to stay together, and our boys (19 & 21) want us to stay together. I am totally confused but am trying to work through it. I am so glad that the end of the journey can be so glorious!

Anonymous said...

LADIES (and you are!), do you know that there are at least three or four support groups for you?
Straight Spouse Network
access Carol Greever's website
or Bonnie Kaye's website

Know that you have done NOTHING wrong. Know that you DO NOT have anything for which you need to apologize.

There is also a str8s list on the Voy Forums.

Whatever you do, reach out so someone can reach back.
I'll jump out there and give you my email address *mostly because I don't seem to be young enough or smart enough to remember all the magic buzzwords that I set up on yahoo to post as anything other than anonymousP

Get tested. Get a lawyer. Get out as soon you can.

Val said...

Hey-is this my most dear to my heart friend Debi? Please write back!