Monday, July 27, 2009

"Anonymous" Four Years Ago

"It has been so long since I have written in my journal. It surprises me that I am motivated to do it now… I guess it is because my feelings are changing so drastically lately, and I don’t know why.

Ever since my whole life shattered and shifted a little over a year ago, it has been easy for me to “understand” my ex and to forgive him. In fact, it seemed as though a huge weight had lifted off of my shoulders. I had blamed myself so long for the unhappiness in our marriage. And at long last the truth was out – it was HIM all along! There was a selfish self-vindication of sorts. I got to be the “good” one - finally. I got to be the victim, the innocent one, the saint. He was the problem. He was the bad one.

I have been so busy getting the house sold, packing it all up, finding a new home and job, and getting settled. Then came my daughter’s wedding. It has been a very busy year.

Last month was wonderful as I was able to stay with my oldest son and his wife at their home, and the whole family was together. I truly learned that no matter what happens legally or physically – a family IS forever. For better or for worse, you never stop being a family.

Lately, though, I have struggled with emotions quite different from the easy strength and magnanimous acceptance I have been blessed with. I have felt a growing sense of anger – rage even – betrayal, shame, hurt, pain. I think I am thawing out – the insulating cocoon of denial is wearing thin. The anesthesia of busy-ness and survival is wearing off. I am ‘coming to.’ And the pain is setting in.

Perhaps it is just time that has created this. Maybe I am doing something to contribute to the pain. I just don’t know. All I know is that I feel so much pain all of the time. I even left in the middle of church today. I couldn’t even focus on what was being said.

Maybe I am being too busy, just starting home-based business. But I even felt the pain before, as I came home from work and just sat on the couch watching TV until bedtime. I miss my friends in my old neighborhood. I miss my home. I MISS MY FAMILY. I MISS MY LIFE!

Don’t get me wrong. I have been SO blessed with my job and home. I know I am where I need to be. But everything that was my life is now gone. My husband, my family, my home, my friends, my reputation, my security, my companionship, my routine. Gone. Forever gone.

I have started reading scriptures again, and I must say it is painful. So much about being ‘cast off’ and the punishment of the unrighteous. I still love my ex so much, and it hurts to realize that he really, truly is sinning, living outside of God’s law. That hurts so much. He doesn’t believe he will be punished. But I know that he has broken up a family. He has let us ALL down. He has shaken the very foundation of his children’s belief in love, family and God. He has chosen his selfish gratification over a commitment to God and to me and to our children. That is so hard for me to overlook.

I DO NOT believe he has a choice about his same-sex attraction. But I absolutely believe he had and HAS a choice about how to react to it. Once he married me and we had children, he should have forever put that aside… as hard as that may sound. Just think of the people who have put their desires aside for God (think about missionaries, monks and nuns, to name a few) or because of physical or mental defects.

Not everyone can have the love they want. Look at me. I will never know what it means to be totally and completely loved. Never ever. I know that. That hurts. He never even gave me the chance to try to love him. He never was honest with me until it was too late and he already had someone else to love him. How very, very unfair of him.

I think of our youngest son, in his senior year of high school, living with his dad and his boyfriend. What a nightmare for our son! In fact, my ex told me that our son has been staying with a friend in our old neighborhood during the school week. I got so upset because my ex hasn’t even talked the friend’s mom, to make sure it was ok with her. I finally shamed him into calling the mom, who said they loved having our son there. Then today ex told me that our son is at the Dunes with a ‘bunch of kids’ – which means he has no idea who our son is with. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that he cares so little for our son.

My son and I have talked lately, and I totally understand how frustrated he is with his dad’s boyfriend, and how he blames the BF for breaking up our family. My ex even let his BF ‘discipline’ our son, which I totally disagreed with. Finally our son and the BF had a huge fight, ending in a nasty letter from the BF and then silence between the two of them. So where was my ex in all of this… AWOL as usual. Maybe he even likes being fought over!

Can my ex really be this selfish???? Is he really that low and lazy and disdainful of everyone but himself? I guess the answer is in his actions. Yes, he is that selfish. He is willing to give up everything for someone to takes hikes with, and go to concerts, and make gingerbread houses at a gay couples Christmas party, and whatever…. It makes me sick. He gave it all up… yet says he ‘sees himself alone’ and wishes he could be by himself and not have anyone else to have to deal with.

I feel so used. I feel so foolish and so discarded. I feel like so much of my life was wasted. What a joke I must be to him. What a sorry, sick joke. What am I thinking? How can I even talk to him civilly after what he has done to all of us? He has used his gayness as a shield to cover his own vanity and selfishness and total disregard of everyone but himself, and I have swallowed the hook. How stupid can I be???

I watch my married daughter and her new husband fight and compete and make each other miserable… and wonder why they stay together. What can possibly keep that relationship alive? But I of all people know the answer… it is fantasy. If you make believe long enough, you can almost see a relationship where there is nothing but mutual deception and using each other. I am as guilty as my ex in this. I wanted the security, the home, the normality of it all, in spite of the fact that for years it had been quite hollow and empty.

But having children changes it all. We should have been able to put it all aside for them. How many generations have we messed up? How much pain have we spawned? How much heartache, and doubt, and pain? And for what? Is my ex happier now? I don’t think so.

I am happier that he has told the truth. But I really have just traded one pain for another. It is just a nightmare. No one wins. No one.

He is gay. He could never love me. He lied to me about E V E R Y T H I N G… about GOD, about LOVE, about FOREVER. HE LIED. HE CHEATED. HE DIDN’T CARE. HE GAVE US ALL AWAY. Nothing I can do will ever change that. I have been blaming all of this on his gayness. But it is not about his gayness. It is about his character. He cheated. He lied. That is character, not sexual orientation.

I DO believe at first he didn’t want to do it. But he didn’t fight it. He didn’t tell me. He just gave in. He had sex with who knows how many other men? God, it makes me sick. HE HAD SEX WITH OTHER MEN. He kissed them. He held them. He caressed them. The he came home to me, and our children, and his Sunday School lesson. What kind of man does that??????

I don’t know how I am going to get over this. I long for the sense of love and understanding and la-la-land I have had for the past year. But it is gone. In its place is a raw, oozing pain that is slowing bleeding all of the love out of me. I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to do this.

I want my life back, even it is only a fantasy. I want my family. I want my dreams. I want my LIFE. I want those promises fulfilled. I want my life. I want it back. I want this to all end. I want it all to be over.

I want to go back to our temple marriage and make it work… to be skinnier or to be more honest or to be more kind or to SOMEHOW make him STRAIGHT enough to LOVE me and NEVER LEAVE me and our children and our God.

X, how how how can you do this to me? To us? To our kids? Is it worth it? Is it? What now? How long will this last? How long will you be happy? When will this pain hit you? When will you wake up from your dream and see your life decaying around you? This is truly hell… to see what could have been, yet is no more.

I dreamed last night. In my dream, you took me and a baby boy to a gay bar. When you saw some of your friends, you stood up to go see them and our beautiful, precious son, who had been on your lap, fell to the floor. When I asked you how you could do that, you said, “That is just how I am. He understands I am gay. He is not hurt. He is fine.” And you smiled at this little baby and bounced him on your knee…

Is that the way you feel? Really? Like everything is ok? How can you ever make it ok? How can it ever be ok? If it was just you and I it would be different. But we have three children. THREE CHILDREN and generations that will be affected. This is the family curse. Broken families. Infidelity. Pain. Hurt. And I so desperately wanted to be the one to break the chain of hurt and secrets in my life.

So where do we go from here? What do we do now? WE???? There is no we. There never has been.

How do I function with such debilitating pain and sorrow and anger? It consumes me and drowns me. It is inside of me and all around me…

And how do I do it ALL ALONE? Rejected. Discarded. What do I do now?"

This journal entry was written four years ago by the same woman that posted the Anonymous Letter to an Anonymous Wildflower two posts back. Time does heal. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and, no, it is NOT another oncoming train.