Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Anonymous Email To An Anonymous Wildflower

Yeah, there is a lot of "Anonymous" on this blog - which is as it should be when there are spouses and children involved. This was written by a woman in our group to a new member going through the big blow up. So happy she was willing to share...

"First of all, I want to let you know how much light and strength and beauty I see in you! AMAZING! You look at real life, not sugar coating it, but still manage to beautifully maintain your boundaries, protect yourself and your kids, negotiate the thorny and painful relationship with the LDS Church, and move forward with your life. WOW.

I am here to tell you that, five years post-divorce my life has unfolded to beauty and joy and FUN that I never dared to dream before. And I am freakin' 56 years old! I have learned that I CAN support myself financially and thrive and make a professional name for myself, even though I didn't finish my degree... yet.

I have seen my children emerge from a complete shattering of their lives after seeing their "righteous" Mormon dad come out, watching the marriage and family seemingly end, losing our big "rich" house and lifestyle, etc... They were teenagers when it all happened. Now three of the four are happily married or in a long-term (heterosexual) relationships. And my 21 year old "baby" and I finally have a great relationship. They love both their mom and gay dad. I did NOT lose my family. I just let go of the SICKNESS that was created by lies and craziness... and the beauty of our real connection has flourished.

AND... I have found STRAIGHT love and sex is UNBELIEVABLE! My Wildflowers sisters are shocked, I know. I was the "Mother Theresa" - celibate, never kissed a guy for nearly 5 years after my divorce. But I really believe that for each of us there is a healing for every wound. And it has been amazing to FEEL desired and sexy and connected. It really is truer than you know that the cause of your feelings of not being desired and loved is on HIS side of the bed, not yours. If a 56 year old, overweight, borderline frigid woman like me can experience a renewal of the paradisaical glory like I have, Honey, there is hope for you!

There is a future so bright for you. As bright as your darkest days were dark. Brighter even.

I am still navigating my relationship with the Mormon Church. I see things from such a different perspective. Thanks to Emily's mom, Carol Lynn, just a short year ago, I reconnected to the "feminine divine" - that eternal, powerful, healing, comforting Mother who has altered my life forever. I have reconnected with my own highest self. I have been led to energy work and the amazing transformation that can happen in our lives. I am working on returning to school to get my Masters and open a therapy practice - which I have wanted to do ALL of my life. But now is the right time for me.

Life is as different for me now as the soaring butterfly that looks down at the little fuzzy caterpillars in the garden and wonders, "Was that REALLY what I used to be???" Yet as a caterpillar I loved the soft dirt under my little feet, and the green leaves. Now I fly on the air and drink nectar. Yet I am the same person, the same being. But transformed.

Oh my gosh, I just looked out my window and a HUGE yellow swallowtail butterfly was outside of my office. COOL! It's a sign!

You are in what I call "goo time" - in the chrysalis, a caterpillar literally dissolves into goo. Then a few "imaginal" cells somehow transform their DNA, and the rest of the goo follows transforming cell by cell until a butterfly forms.

Goo time is not fun. The whole world seems unfamiliar. You feel stuck or that life is unraveling or that nothing is happening. Yet deep within the fiber of your life and soul, 'imaginal cells' are leading the way for the new person you will be. Be patient, have bright hope, follow your intuition, surround yourself with those whose energy will activate and hasten the transformation. It is already happening.

I don't for a minute discount the pain you are going through, or the hard work you will have to do. But you will be ok, I promise. MORE than ok.

AND - no matter how messed up you think this will make your kids; they will also heal and transform. There is a happy ending. I have been down the road ahead of you, and I am here to tell you, it will be there for you.

Take care, and keep in touch. You are loved!