Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Absolutely True Ballad Of Tommy and Molly

I cannot tell you the absolute glee that filled my being when, not only was I told this unbelievably ridiculous tale, but was given permission to blog it.

Tommy, NOT his real name, is a friend of mine. Molly, NOT her real name either, is not - although she should be. She soooo needs me. Except, if this woman were my friend I would seriously have to hit her with something heavy that smelled of old cheese - so never mind. I swear that every word of this is true. And I suspect that, as painful as it is to admit it, a few of us - including my formerly mindless self - can relate.

Back Story: Tommy and Molly were friends in high school. Not close friends but they did attend a school dance together. She is now a single returned Mormon missionary in her thirties, Primary President (Primary is the church program for children), and proud cat owner. Tommy is a big, beautiful gay man who is about as Mormon as I am and has been in a solid and enviable relationship for nine years.

So, Molly contacts Tommy on Facebook and asks him if he ever got the message she left with his father. No, he did not. Seems she has been trying to find him, needs to talk to him and, clearly, sees the Facebook connection as a sign that their reunion is "meant to be."

Tommy is on Facebook one night and Molly sends him an Instant Message. "Can I call you?" Tommy..." Um... I guess."

11:30 PM. Phone rings.

Tommy: Hello?

Molly: Hi Tommy, it's Molly.

[Chit chat about Primary and cats. Then...]

Molly: I have something I want to ask you. Kathy told me you are gay. Is that true?

Tommy: Yes, it's true. I am gay.

Molly: Well... [pause] How gay are you?

Tommy: Um... pretty much as gay as you can get.

Molly: Have you ever acted on it?

Tommy: Yep. Pretty much for the past ten years.

[Quiet]

Molly: I have to tell you something weird.

Tommy: Okay...

Molly: I've been having this dream about you for the past year.

[Quiet]

Tommy: Okay...

Molly: My dream is, basically, that we should be more than friends.

Tommy: Um... what does that mean?

Molly: I think... that we are eternal companions.

Tommy: Um... well... I'm gay.

Molly: Well, I talked to my bishop about it and he said that I should talk to you about my dream - about us being more that just friends.

Tommy: [Stunned silence.]

Molly: I really think we are meant to be. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says that I met my eternal companion in the pre-existence and that if he doesn't make the right choices I will be alone. Are you willing to make the right choices, Tommy? Are you willing to use the Atonement? Are you willing to erase your sin so that we can be together? Because... I'd be willing to help you work through it.

Tommy: I'm very flattered but... I Am Gay. And I'm very happy in my relationship. I don't feel like it's a sin and I'm really comfortable with where I'm at.

Molly: Well, I really feel like this is my destiny and I'm afraid that you're going to mess it up.

Tommy: Um, Molly, I don't really know what else to say. It's late and this really isn't a good time...

Molly: Remember that I am the Primary President and would love to have you come to church with me so you can learn from those pure little souls and follow their example...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Ladies... do I really need to ask? What is WRONG with this picture???

5 comments:

Sarah said...

LOL

I read this to my gay husband and posed your question to him.

He says, "The difficulty is picking any one thing [that is wrong with this picture]."

Unbelievable! Thanks for sharing!

BTW, we were sorry to miss you at Reed's documentary filming (we had to leave and couldn't stick around to meet you), but you met our adorable friends that are dating. They couldn't stop talking about how cool you were. :)

CLARK JOHNSEN said...

This is kind of amazing. Its a reversal of that crazy BYU story where the guy tries to convince the girl that they are meant to be because he had a priesthood revelation that said so. I certainly never thought this could get turned onto a gay man from a woman. WOW

wild child said...

"Well, I really feel like this is my destiny and I'm afraid that you're going to mess it up."

I think that may be my new favorite "inspiration"!!! I intend to borrow it every time anyone isn't doing things my way dammit! LOL!

Drew said...

What is wrong with this picture? How about the fact that Tommy thinks that it's not a sin to behave in homosexual behavior?

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