"The past year has been a bumpy road to say the least but I feel like things are finally starting to get back on track. After much convincing on his behalf, I agreed to marry the man that I told the Wildflowers about. I loved him very much and I was convinced that if I could just remove him from the circumstances he had surrounded himself with and offer him a fresh start, we would be alright.
Two weeks before our wedding date and the night before he was supposed to move from Utah to California into our new house, he called everything off because he had met a new man. Naturally, I was beyond devastated - but this time something new happened to me that hadn't happened all the other times that I had been mistreated, used and deceived by him - I got angry. Anger proved to be the cure to my blindness and gullibility and the key to my self-empowerment.
I am dating somebody new now that is a wonderfully honest and patient man. He suffers a lot for the damage I received from the five years I spent in my previous relationship, but he is good and loving and willing to wait for time to heal me. I have seen my ex once since we broke up but now that I am happy with somebody new, he of course has tried to break back into my life anyway he can - making promises and more promises that now I know he will never keep. He claims he has been in therapy and getting help for his SSA and the damage that has been inflicted on him but I also know that he is still unwilling to give up his old life and his old connections.
I never got the chance to thank you and the Wildflowers for the support that you provided me. Compared to many of the stories I heard from fellow Wildflower women, I know that I am relatively lucky that I got out when I did. It was still, however, the darkest period in my life. I cannot express to you how comforting it was just to know that there were other women out there going through the same thing I was experiencing."
Monday, January 12, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Would You Do It Again?
I was recently asked to give advice to a young woman in love with an admittedly gay young man who keeps asking her to marry him. Oh boy...
For starters, let me refer ya'll to an email I received a few years ago from a young woman (published with her permission - but name changed), and the responses several women in our group gave her.
"I just recently discovered the We Are Wildflowers web site and read several stories about incredibly strong woman and their gay husbands. I can't tell you the impact it had on me. I felt by reading these stories, I was seeing a preview of my own life fifteen years down the road. My name is Jeni. I am 21 years old and very recently graduated from BYU. My best friend, boyfriend and soul mate of the past three years, told me two months and four days ago that is he gay (it feels like so much longer.) He has been involved in gay relationships for nine months. I know that the magnitude of other women's emotions and hurt must far exceed mine since there were actually married but so much of what was said describes my relationship with terrifying accuracy. His incessant cycle of leaving and coming back, wanting to be together or not, claiming to be willingly to do whatever it takes and then backing out, is the roller coaster we live on right now. We were never officially engaged but we were supposed to get married in September of this year. We are currently living together as, probably, a very foolish way to become even closer and see if we stand any chance at all of being able to make this work long term. I love this man to the depths of my soul. He is very honest with me now about all the homosexual activities he engages in and I've even gone so far as to meet and spend time with some of his "friends" just to try and make things a little easier for both of us. We have even gone to counseling a few times together. He is at the crossroads of deciding if we can make it work together or if he needs to live the other life. I am at the precarious position of knowing as a result of numerous confirmations, that we were meant to be together and weighing this against the undeniable fact that he is actively gay. I love him. He is my best friend. I know him inside and out. I guess my one question is, knowing everything that you guys know and experiencing everything you've all been through, if you were back at the point in your life where I am now at, would you do it all again? I am very interested in talking to whom ever has time and is willing to share their experiences with me. From what I can tell, this group seems amazing and exactly the help and direction I've been frantically searching for. It is so hard to not have anyone who understands to talk about this with."
Tammy:
I would advise her not to marry him. She can be a good friend because in the end that is what he will be...either that or worse someone she will resent the rest of her life. Men who play the back and forth game will never be able to give her the peace and feeling of trust and security she deserves. I would tell her that if she loves him and wants to be a part of his life be his friend. If she marries him she will probably have an unfulfilled sex life as well as her emotional needs may not get taken care of either. So it is better that they remain friends.
The authorities of the church have counseled those with SSA [Same Sex Attraction] not to marry until the issue has been properly addressed and if he has been living an active gay life for 9 months he is not resolved. If I were to go back I wouldn't do it again and this is the first time I can say that without wondering. It is too hard. People say but you got your kids out of this. Well I believe I would have had them anyway. I may have just had a supportive loving husband here to help me and then maybe even make love to me in the evening after the kids went to bed.
Julie:
Jeni, my only thought has been to add a different dimension to your thoughts. I think about my kids. I would NEVER DO THIS AGAIN for all the pain that it has caused them. They are about to both have birthdays and be 6 and 4. Two boys. They have been through so much and I'd never do it again to them. I'd go through so much sadness and pain and whatever I had to in walking away from the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, my whatever if it meant sparing children pain and struggles.
I didn't think about children really before I got married. I didn't know my ex was gay, but I did know he couldn't tell me that he loved me. He couldn't connect with me emotionally. We were everything else and he had "good reasons" and "explanations" why he couldn't connect the way I could. I only thought about me and thought that I'd just be fine, I'd struggle through it, I'd be able to change that in him, if I loved him enough and expressed it to him......I regret that I never thought about how his lack of emotional giving would effect our boys. That is one regret that I will always, always have. There is nothing I can do about it. I fight that everyday... the effects of that are devastating. And I would NEVER EVER do that again.
So those are my small thoughts for you. Sacrifice yourself is so much better and easier than seeing your children suffer each day. My boys are better than they were 2 years ago, but it has been such a hard fight and it will be a fight for their entire lives. I am sorry that I have done that to them.
Debi:
You are so wise to be seeking advice and support at this stage of your relationship. And this is, without any doubt, the very best place to find it. Jim, my husband of 26 years came out to me in January of this year. We have 4 children, two boys ages 25 and 22, and 2 daughters, ages 20 and 16.
I would TOTALLY agree with everything that has been said up to this point about the pain and emotional disconnection and wreckage for your children. I have lived with depression, despair and loneliness for at least 20 of those years. My children have struggled, also, with depression and even drug/alcohol abuse. They are now struggling with a divorce, seeing their formerly ‘active’ LDS father no longer attending church, and sorting out what all this means to them. We have always been considered an active, dependable family in our ward, clear up until January. Then, in one weekend, that all changed forever. Like Colleen said, quoting Dr. Phil – this is our “new normal.” But it is NOT what I dreamed of. I have had to grieve my dreams and let them go.
Jim is truly my soul mate. I still love him and he tells me that I am the only woman he will ever love. But that was NOT enough. We both agreed that we had confirmation after confirmation that we were supposed to be together. I still am not sure what that meant. I DO know that it meant that we had a deep spiritual connection.
Would I do it all again? That is impossible for me to even think about now. Like Julie, I grieve for my children and what this means for their lives. It is one thing to love a gay man, and quite a different thing to have a gay father. Because he was living a double life in secret (20 years of casual encounters and 7 months now of a committed relationship) that secrecy and lies became a slow poison that killed everything good in our family. I always blamed myself for the pain and lack of connection. Now I know it was his SSA that stood between us.
Interestingly enough, I just got off the phone with Jim. I read your letter to him. He sighed a big sigh, and said, “Tell her I just can’t see how it can ever work. He could never deny who he is for her. It [SSA] is too strong. It is who he IS. No matter how much I wanted to be ‘normal’ it just can’t be. “SSA is real. It does not go away. There are sites that talk about “reorientation therapy” or “healing homosexuality.” I believe that some people may be able to repress or live with the SSA and choose to be married or live alone. But when you realize that most people with SSA have known it was part of their live since before they were FIVE years old… what are the chances that it will drastically change?
All this being said, I get to your question of what should YOU do. Here is the answer… ready?,… NO ONE CAN TELL YOU. You have to follow your own path. But keep your eyes and heart open. One thing I can guarantee you is that you will have pain and grief, whether you marry him or not. It is part of life. But much of it is a choice. You have already made a choice that I think you are not happy with – to live with him. You have already started to give yourself away to him. KEEP yourself. A true relationship does not require one person to give up what they hold dear. And isn’t that what you are both requiring from each other? You are asking him to give up his yearning for masculine bonding, with the promise that you can replace it. You can’t. He is asking you to give up your hopes and dreams of a committed, faithful, worthy, mature husband. You can’t. You may marry him, but those dreams will still be written on your heart and will cause pain. You will see you children’s hearts broken. You will think you are making a difference, only to see it fall apart.
I would suggest a separation from him to see if you truly love him, or if it is a toxic dependency. To be a real separation, you need to have NO contact from him, and no contact with places and things that you shared together. Find a friend who can cry with you and has an objective viewpoint. Grieve, get angry, work out scenarios, talk it through without the rose colored glasses.
Patti:
Dear Jeni,
I haven't read anyone else's responses.
Here's mine "STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be his friend, if you must, but DO NOT marry this man. Period.
Yes, there ARE exceptions. Statistically those who remain "married" fall into the less-than-one-fifth category. Yes, you could be one of the couples who beats the odds. But you have to truly ask yourself if you want him to stay married because he has been guilted into it?
I'm 53. My husband of 27 years told me he was gay in 1997. If I had known I would not have married him, particularly if I had been 19 NOW, in this climate that is thankfully at least a bit more exposed, educated and candid.
He is a gay man. He may want to be str8. Wishing (and praying) won't make it so. It is very much like eye color. He can want to be blue-eyed because everyone who is considered "acceptable" or "normal" or fill-in-the-appropriate-descriptor, is blue eyed. He can wear contact lenses to change the appearance. He may be accepted as blue-eyed. The truth is, he still has brown eyes. He knows it.
What it comes down to, I have learned, is TOUCH. It is the eagerness to touch and be touched. A kiss on the eyelids can be tenderer, more passionate, than "the act". We did not have that. My husband had the desire to be a husband/lover to me. It cannot be learned from a magazine or a video. It has to come from inside. It has to be instinctive. No wonder our sex life was so abysmal! There was no way he could ever be what I needed or what he needed. I was a virgin when I married. So was my husband. "Normal" for us, in terms of sexual intimacy was light-hearted kidding that I had the libido that he was supposed to have. I believed it. He was attentive. He was not passionate. He was dutiful, when necessary. He was actually fully engaged, it seemed, three times in those years. Why? Because he determined that it was time for us to have a/another child. This is NOT "normal." How do I know? Hindsight and real-life.
I belong to another support group for str8 spouses. (The Straight Spouse Network). Since I became involved with them, have met hundreds of str8 spouses in person, and corresponded with hundreds more via a private website. With very few exceptions, the stories are the same for both str8 husbands and str8 wives. Sexual intimacy was rarely, if ever, "equal." A good marriage is not about sex. A good marriage IS about intimacy. It IS about implicit trust. I don't believe that it is either fair or realistic for either of you to expect there to be complete trust if you go forward with this man.
Being gay isn't the problem, being closeted IS. Dragging some sweet sister or nice str8 priesthood holder to the temple hoping against hope that some miracle will occur is risky, unlikely, and wholly unfair to two otherwise wonderful people... before they have children. The legacy that this can leave for children cannot be described or measured IF the father/husband opts to behave in ways that are all-too-typical. (again, there are exceptions)
I won't apologize for the candor. You have the most extraordinary chance to NOT live our lives. Grab it. Embrace it. Be grateful to him for having the courage to tell you the truth.
Nothing you did made him gay. Nothing you can do or say will make him str8. Be his pal. You deserve something different. He will find his own way.
Colleen:
When I GREW UP I realized that there are many paths we can take in life--and one of the others would have been much healthier for ALL involved! Be his friend. Include him in your life. Get married and you and he can go out together with your spouses/partners. Now that I'm on the OTHER END--I see that friendship with him is so much better than marriage.
When it all comes down to it--as I said--I COULDN'T do it again--I can't even consider would I do it again--as this broke me. It does take everything you are--it destroys your life and it destroys the relationship. I might be friends with my ex now--BUT it is by far different than it was . . . I see that we could have maintained a close friendship and not had this huge burden of pain.
L.A.:
Hi Jeni,
First, I want to just give you a huge hug because what you're going through is so tough. Now for the bad news. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I would have to totally agree with what the others have said. I didn't know my husband was gay when I married him. If I had..... I still don't know what I would have done. I might well have married him anyway. BUT... knowing what I know now I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN. And it's not because I don't love him. We both agree that we love each other very much, but from this vantage point, there is so much missing from our marriage, so many painful, hurtful times that I didn't understand at the moment. We both would have been spared those. Not to mention the fact that after 15 years, it's not just about the 2 of us any more. Not only might my 4 children (ages 1 1/2-14) have to deal with the tragedy of divorce, but how hard would it be for my boys to have their dad "come out" to them right now, just when they are struggling through their own adolescence.
I wish I could tell you that love will conquer all, but it just doesn't work that way in this world right now. The wisest (and unfortunately most painful in the short term) thing for you BOTH to do is to move on with your lives. You BOTH will be happier in the long run.
For starters, let me refer ya'll to an email I received a few years ago from a young woman (published with her permission - but name changed), and the responses several women in our group gave her.
"I just recently discovered the We Are Wildflowers web site and read several stories about incredibly strong woman and their gay husbands. I can't tell you the impact it had on me. I felt by reading these stories, I was seeing a preview of my own life fifteen years down the road. My name is Jeni. I am 21 years old and very recently graduated from BYU. My best friend, boyfriend and soul mate of the past three years, told me two months and four days ago that is he gay (it feels like so much longer.) He has been involved in gay relationships for nine months. I know that the magnitude of other women's emotions and hurt must far exceed mine since there were actually married but so much of what was said describes my relationship with terrifying accuracy. His incessant cycle of leaving and coming back, wanting to be together or not, claiming to be willingly to do whatever it takes and then backing out, is the roller coaster we live on right now. We were never officially engaged but we were supposed to get married in September of this year. We are currently living together as, probably, a very foolish way to become even closer and see if we stand any chance at all of being able to make this work long term. I love this man to the depths of my soul. He is very honest with me now about all the homosexual activities he engages in and I've even gone so far as to meet and spend time with some of his "friends" just to try and make things a little easier for both of us. We have even gone to counseling a few times together. He is at the crossroads of deciding if we can make it work together or if he needs to live the other life. I am at the precarious position of knowing as a result of numerous confirmations, that we were meant to be together and weighing this against the undeniable fact that he is actively gay. I love him. He is my best friend. I know him inside and out. I guess my one question is, knowing everything that you guys know and experiencing everything you've all been through, if you were back at the point in your life where I am now at, would you do it all again? I am very interested in talking to whom ever has time and is willing to share their experiences with me. From what I can tell, this group seems amazing and exactly the help and direction I've been frantically searching for. It is so hard to not have anyone who understands to talk about this with."
Tammy:
I would advise her not to marry him. She can be a good friend because in the end that is what he will be...either that or worse someone she will resent the rest of her life. Men who play the back and forth game will never be able to give her the peace and feeling of trust and security she deserves. I would tell her that if she loves him and wants to be a part of his life be his friend. If she marries him she will probably have an unfulfilled sex life as well as her emotional needs may not get taken care of either. So it is better that they remain friends.
The authorities of the church have counseled those with SSA [Same Sex Attraction] not to marry until the issue has been properly addressed and if he has been living an active gay life for 9 months he is not resolved. If I were to go back I wouldn't do it again and this is the first time I can say that without wondering. It is too hard. People say but you got your kids out of this. Well I believe I would have had them anyway. I may have just had a supportive loving husband here to help me and then maybe even make love to me in the evening after the kids went to bed.
Julie:
Jeni, my only thought has been to add a different dimension to your thoughts. I think about my kids. I would NEVER DO THIS AGAIN for all the pain that it has caused them. They are about to both have birthdays and be 6 and 4. Two boys. They have been through so much and I'd never do it again to them. I'd go through so much sadness and pain and whatever I had to in walking away from the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, my whatever if it meant sparing children pain and struggles.
I didn't think about children really before I got married. I didn't know my ex was gay, but I did know he couldn't tell me that he loved me. He couldn't connect with me emotionally. We were everything else and he had "good reasons" and "explanations" why he couldn't connect the way I could. I only thought about me and thought that I'd just be fine, I'd struggle through it, I'd be able to change that in him, if I loved him enough and expressed it to him......I regret that I never thought about how his lack of emotional giving would effect our boys. That is one regret that I will always, always have. There is nothing I can do about it. I fight that everyday... the effects of that are devastating. And I would NEVER EVER do that again.
So those are my small thoughts for you. Sacrifice yourself is so much better and easier than seeing your children suffer each day. My boys are better than they were 2 years ago, but it has been such a hard fight and it will be a fight for their entire lives. I am sorry that I have done that to them.
Debi:
You are so wise to be seeking advice and support at this stage of your relationship. And this is, without any doubt, the very best place to find it. Jim, my husband of 26 years came out to me in January of this year. We have 4 children, two boys ages 25 and 22, and 2 daughters, ages 20 and 16.
I would TOTALLY agree with everything that has been said up to this point about the pain and emotional disconnection and wreckage for your children. I have lived with depression, despair and loneliness for at least 20 of those years. My children have struggled, also, with depression and even drug/alcohol abuse. They are now struggling with a divorce, seeing their formerly ‘active’ LDS father no longer attending church, and sorting out what all this means to them. We have always been considered an active, dependable family in our ward, clear up until January. Then, in one weekend, that all changed forever. Like Colleen said, quoting Dr. Phil – this is our “new normal.” But it is NOT what I dreamed of. I have had to grieve my dreams and let them go.
Jim is truly my soul mate. I still love him and he tells me that I am the only woman he will ever love. But that was NOT enough. We both agreed that we had confirmation after confirmation that we were supposed to be together. I still am not sure what that meant. I DO know that it meant that we had a deep spiritual connection.
Would I do it all again? That is impossible for me to even think about now. Like Julie, I grieve for my children and what this means for their lives. It is one thing to love a gay man, and quite a different thing to have a gay father. Because he was living a double life in secret (20 years of casual encounters and 7 months now of a committed relationship) that secrecy and lies became a slow poison that killed everything good in our family. I always blamed myself for the pain and lack of connection. Now I know it was his SSA that stood between us.
Interestingly enough, I just got off the phone with Jim. I read your letter to him. He sighed a big sigh, and said, “Tell her I just can’t see how it can ever work. He could never deny who he is for her. It [SSA] is too strong. It is who he IS. No matter how much I wanted to be ‘normal’ it just can’t be. “SSA is real. It does not go away. There are sites that talk about “reorientation therapy” or “healing homosexuality.” I believe that some people may be able to repress or live with the SSA and choose to be married or live alone. But when you realize that most people with SSA have known it was part of their live since before they were FIVE years old… what are the chances that it will drastically change?
All this being said, I get to your question of what should YOU do. Here is the answer… ready?,… NO ONE CAN TELL YOU. You have to follow your own path. But keep your eyes and heart open. One thing I can guarantee you is that you will have pain and grief, whether you marry him or not. It is part of life. But much of it is a choice. You have already made a choice that I think you are not happy with – to live with him. You have already started to give yourself away to him. KEEP yourself. A true relationship does not require one person to give up what they hold dear. And isn’t that what you are both requiring from each other? You are asking him to give up his yearning for masculine bonding, with the promise that you can replace it. You can’t. He is asking you to give up your hopes and dreams of a committed, faithful, worthy, mature husband. You can’t. You may marry him, but those dreams will still be written on your heart and will cause pain. You will see you children’s hearts broken. You will think you are making a difference, only to see it fall apart.
I would suggest a separation from him to see if you truly love him, or if it is a toxic dependency. To be a real separation, you need to have NO contact from him, and no contact with places and things that you shared together. Find a friend who can cry with you and has an objective viewpoint. Grieve, get angry, work out scenarios, talk it through without the rose colored glasses.
Patti:
Dear Jeni,
I haven't read anyone else's responses.
Here's mine "STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be his friend, if you must, but DO NOT marry this man. Period.
Yes, there ARE exceptions. Statistically those who remain "married" fall into the less-than-one-fifth category. Yes, you could be one of the couples who beats the odds. But you have to truly ask yourself if you want him to stay married because he has been guilted into it?
I'm 53. My husband of 27 years told me he was gay in 1997. If I had known I would not have married him, particularly if I had been 19 NOW, in this climate that is thankfully at least a bit more exposed, educated and candid.
He is a gay man. He may want to be str8. Wishing (and praying) won't make it so. It is very much like eye color. He can want to be blue-eyed because everyone who is considered "acceptable" or "normal" or fill-in-the-appropriate-descriptor, is blue eyed. He can wear contact lenses to change the appearance. He may be accepted as blue-eyed. The truth is, he still has brown eyes. He knows it.
What it comes down to, I have learned, is TOUCH. It is the eagerness to touch and be touched. A kiss on the eyelids can be tenderer, more passionate, than "the act". We did not have that. My husband had the desire to be a husband/lover to me. It cannot be learned from a magazine or a video. It has to come from inside. It has to be instinctive. No wonder our sex life was so abysmal! There was no way he could ever be what I needed or what he needed. I was a virgin when I married. So was my husband. "Normal" for us, in terms of sexual intimacy was light-hearted kidding that I had the libido that he was supposed to have. I believed it. He was attentive. He was not passionate. He was dutiful, when necessary. He was actually fully engaged, it seemed, three times in those years. Why? Because he determined that it was time for us to have a/another child. This is NOT "normal." How do I know? Hindsight and real-life.
I belong to another support group for str8 spouses. (The Straight Spouse Network). Since I became involved with them, have met hundreds of str8 spouses in person, and corresponded with hundreds more via a private website. With very few exceptions, the stories are the same for both str8 husbands and str8 wives. Sexual intimacy was rarely, if ever, "equal." A good marriage is not about sex. A good marriage IS about intimacy. It IS about implicit trust. I don't believe that it is either fair or realistic for either of you to expect there to be complete trust if you go forward with this man.
Being gay isn't the problem, being closeted IS. Dragging some sweet sister or nice str8 priesthood holder to the temple hoping against hope that some miracle will occur is risky, unlikely, and wholly unfair to two otherwise wonderful people... before they have children. The legacy that this can leave for children cannot be described or measured IF the father/husband opts to behave in ways that are all-too-typical. (again, there are exceptions)
I won't apologize for the candor. You have the most extraordinary chance to NOT live our lives. Grab it. Embrace it. Be grateful to him for having the courage to tell you the truth.
Nothing you did made him gay. Nothing you can do or say will make him str8. Be his pal. You deserve something different. He will find his own way.
Colleen:
When I GREW UP I realized that there are many paths we can take in life--and one of the others would have been much healthier for ALL involved! Be his friend. Include him in your life. Get married and you and he can go out together with your spouses/partners. Now that I'm on the OTHER END--I see that friendship with him is so much better than marriage.
When it all comes down to it--as I said--I COULDN'T do it again--I can't even consider would I do it again--as this broke me. It does take everything you are--it destroys your life and it destroys the relationship. I might be friends with my ex now--BUT it is by far different than it was . . . I see that we could have maintained a close friendship and not had this huge burden of pain.
L.A.:
Hi Jeni,
First, I want to just give you a huge hug because what you're going through is so tough. Now for the bad news. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I would have to totally agree with what the others have said. I didn't know my husband was gay when I married him. If I had..... I still don't know what I would have done. I might well have married him anyway. BUT... knowing what I know now I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN. And it's not because I don't love him. We both agree that we love each other very much, but from this vantage point, there is so much missing from our marriage, so many painful, hurtful times that I didn't understand at the moment. We both would have been spared those. Not to mention the fact that after 15 years, it's not just about the 2 of us any more. Not only might my 4 children (ages 1 1/2-14) have to deal with the tragedy of divorce, but how hard would it be for my boys to have their dad "come out" to them right now, just when they are struggling through their own adolescence.
I wish I could tell you that love will conquer all, but it just doesn't work that way in this world right now. The wisest (and unfortunately most painful in the short term) thing for you BOTH to do is to move on with your lives. You BOTH will be happier in the long run.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Emily: Memo From A Fairy Princess
I have, on many occasions, been called a Fag Hag. I HATE it. A hag is an old, saggy, smelly, toothless woman with warts on her nose and boobs around her ankles. And, I have already told you how I feel about the even worse term of Beard. Call me a Fag Hag and I will most likely kick you in the shin. Call me a Beard and I will run at you with a staple gun.A few years ago, people started referring to me as a Fruit Fly. I'm not sure that Fruit is a whole lot less offensive these days to gay men than Fag. And while Fly is a bit better than Hag, it is still a nasty, germy, annoying insect that starts out as larvae and eats poo. So, no. I reject Fruit Fly.
If you have to stick a label on my forehead just because I love gay men, I have decided that the only acceptable one is Fairy Princess. I learned years ago that, if there is a gay man anywhere in the room, I do not get to be queen. And, while I have reclaimed the throne in my own home, I have accepted the title of lesser royal spiffiness in general. Hag and Fly are out. I am happy being a Fairy Princess.
I am in good company. Margaret Cho kicks ass. Grace and Karen kept us all laughing for years. On TV and in film, the Princesses are fun and brash and as snarky as the Queens whose trains they carry. But, in real life, I am finding cause for concern.
I had already been musing over this topic then had a conversation with my cousins at Thanksgiving that really got me thinking. They have a friend that has been engaged to be married, in the Mormon Temple, for about ten years to a guy that is clearly gay. Everyone in his world knows that he is gay. Everyone in her world knows that he is gay. I'm guessing that he has a fairly good idea but is clinging to his safety net for dear life. She gets violently outraged if anyone dares bring up the subject. They have come close but he calls it off at the last minute. They don't have sex - and this woman is freaking gorgeous. Like, Supermodel right off the pages gorgeous. She is completely devoted to him and won't even think of dating anyone else. They started dating when she was a teenager. Now she is in her late twenties and, looks like, will dangle until the end of time.
He has said: I love you but I won't marry you. I won't ever marry anyone but you and I want you to have my children - but I won't marry you. He lives his own separate life that she has no part of and she keeps dangling. They see one another now once every week or two and she keeps dangling. He won't marry her but they stay engaged and she keeps dangling.
BARF.
Man, I rode that Merry Go Round from Hell for a long time and it is beyond dizzying. And it is a waste of life. I know a few women that fell in love with gay men in their early twenties, got engaged, then the guy broke it off, came out, broke her heart and they remained best friends for decades and the women never really moved on to find their own relationships with straight men that could love them the way they deserve to be loved. I totally get it. Gay men can be amazingly lovable and charming and sensitive and funny. We fall in love with them then stay best friends after the heartbreak because we can. We love their subsequent boyfriends. We take trips with them, spend holidays with them. We never stop loving them because we don't have to. We still love them and they still love us. We will always be the only woman they ever loved and that thought is intoxicating.
And we can't move on because once we have been in love with a gay man, we expect straight men to be just like them. Only straight. We look for, and expect, straight gay men to come into our lives and shop and cook with us, throw fabulous Oscar parties with us, yell bitchy things at all the contestants in the Miss America Pageant and sing show tunes on road trips with us.
And then, year after year, we go to bed alone.
I finally learned for myself. And I discovered straight men. Hallelujah. And I learned to have the reality check conversation with myself when I started dating someone that wasn't "gay man" enough. Memo to all Princesses everywhere: it is time to put down the Queen's train and wave your magic wand on your own behalf. Spend at least as much time with straight men as with your gay friends. Learn to appreciate and celebrate straight men for all the incredible things that they are and give. (That rant to come at a later time...)
A gay man will decorate your body head to toe like none other but will never love it like a straight man will. A gay man will love your soul with all his heart but will never let it live there.
Go ahead and love your gay friends all you want. March for their rights and support them in being all the wonderful things that they are. But, don't forget yourself. Don't forget that you deserve to be loved too - that you have a life to live too. Trust me, nothing is better than coming home from a night out at the gay clubs and crawling into bed with your very own cowboy.
Just make sure he has never spent time on Brokeback Mountain.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Emily: A Threat To Whose Marriage?
Last week the Salt Lake Tribune published a letter to the editor that I wrote, quite a while ago actually, in response to Mr B's response to my mother.
It really does baffle me that people actually view gay marriage as a threat to the institution of marriage and the family. People are terrified of absolutely nothing. Heterosexuals have already run the institution of marriage into the ground. It has become a freaking joke! Those to whom it is not a joke, and those that take their marriages seriously and hold them sacred, are not affected in the least by the rest of the straight population that don't. They just go about their lives ignoring those that make a mockery of marriage saying, "That's not my problem it's theirs," or "That's too bad, but it has nothing to do with my marriage." It will be the same with gay marriage. Gay people will marry and it won't make any difference to straights. We will still go about our lives and relationships.
In fact, up front it will create a slew of couples that are celebrating the institution in a way we straights don't because we take it for granted. These couples, many of whom have been together for years, have been denied something that they desire with their whole hearts and souls and you better believe that they will take it seriously. Will there be divorces? Sure there will. But, there are divorces now and it doesn't affect the rest of the married population.
Will children have to learn that gays can marry? That homosexual marriage is an option? Yep. But, they learn about homosexuality anyway. Guess what Internetland? Homosexuality isn't going anywhere. They're here, they're queer - get used to it! It is every family's job to educate their own children and then the kids just have to use their own brains and hearts and figure things out for themselves. That is happening anyway - regardless of whether or not gay marriage is legalized. Which it will be. If not today, one day. Just like with women's rights, just like with civil rights - it will happen.
The only real threat lies in NOT allowing gays to marry one another. It lies in continuing to believe that homosexuality is something that can and should be healed. Because then there continue to be marriages like mine, like my parents, like the women in my Wildflowers Group, like far too many couples out there. Families continue to be torn apart by divorce - and the fall out for both the gay and the straight spouse and the children is horribly painful. Parents and siblings continue to disown gay family members and families continue to lose gay loves ones to suicide because they swallowed the poison they were fed about who they are and what they are worth. Those are the only threats to families that truly exist. I promise.
* * *
A letter from a Wildflower...
The LDS Church as failed, by and large, its homosexual community. By homosexual community I mean, those who are homosexual, openly or not, and the heterosexual spouses these homosexuals may have, and their children.
Homosexuality CANNOT be cured. It is not an illness. Can someone with brown eyes be cured? Does someone with brown eyes need to be cured? Sure you can put on different colored contacts, but it only attempts to cover up what’s already there, that which cannot be changed-much like homosexuals trying to fix themselves through reparative therapy and/or marrying someone of the opposite sex.
Where does the church come in for the mixed-orientation couples? Where does the church come in to help the homosexuals who are miserable because they cannot love the way they were made to? Where does the church come in for those who are ashamed of what they are because they believe devoutly in the church’s teachings? Where does the church come in for those who have attempted reparative therapy to no avail and feel like failures? Where does the church come in for those who are suicidal due to these issues? Where does the church come in for those who have had priesthood blessings because they want the attraction to go away but doesn’t? Where does the church come in for the heterosexual spouses when no LDS leader is permitted to condone divorce? Where does the church come in for these spouses who feel like there is something wrong with them because the homosexual spouse doesn’t find them attractive? And what about those straight spouses who are so miserable not being loved the way they should that they become suicidal? And what about the scripture from the Book of Mormon stating, “men are that they might have joy”?
At a very young, naïve age, I was told by my then boyfriend that he had ‘same sex attraction’. Being naïve to this issue and being a devout member of the LDS church, I believed that between myself and God, he could be cured of this ‘problem’. I WAS WRONG. More than a decade later, my husband continues to struggle (after therapy off and on for 10 years), continues to hate who he is, and I have deteriorated to the point where I have wanted to take my own life because of the complete lack of affection I have endured.
On to the children: What does this teach our children about what marriage is/should be? What example does this set for them? What ideas about relationships between a man and a woman will they formulate and have for the rest of their lives when they see one parent yearning to show and receive affection and the other not reciprocating or rejecting? Then there is the issue of the anger and/or depression of the heterosexual parent because of the rejection and that bleeds over into how the children are treated. Not to mention, of course, the obvious misery of the homosexual parent straining his/her relationship with the kids, as well.
When a mixed-orientation couple feels trapped in a marriage, either because of the kids or the church, no one in the family is happy. So how does that scripture apply to us? It doesn’t. Mixed-orientation couples ARE NOT that they might have joy.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Laurie's Story
My story started about 3 years ago, well maybe 4. My husband had just started back to school, and I was so excited for him to start his new career. To give a little background, we met in high school and I knew he must be mine. I fell in love with him at an instant. We were both dating other people at the time, but my heart was taken.
We graduated and I became pregnant and married my son's father. It was an abusive relationship. After a year, I knew I had to leave my first husband. I decided to tell Brad how I felt. I went to his work and invited him over after he was off work. I told him how I felt. I told him I loved him since high school, and WHAMMO, we started dating. We dated for 3 years and were married in September of 1995. We had 3 other children together, among those were a set of twin girls. Life was great. We were both active in our [LDS - Mormon] ward, He was Elders Quorum President, Financial Clerk, Primary Teacher, Sunday School Teacher. I was happy.
HELL BROKE LOOSE. When my husband decided to go to school, I noticed he was gone alot. Got to the point that he would stay at school all night. As he was accomplishing his goal, I felt me and my children were left behind. Oh, he had good intentions, but he just wasn't acting himself. Well, I had made an appointment with my bishop for us to get counseling. As I waited for my husband to come out of the office, I had so many dreams for myself. Living the life I dreamed about when I was a little girl. He came out in tears. I asked him what was wrong, he told me he had same sex attraction. OK, I can deal with that... Or so I thought...
He started to go to a really good counseling group for people who had this. The people he met were amazing. We would talk about it, I would try and understand what he was going through. YEAH RIGHT. As we went through the next couple years, it got worse.... As we talked I told him, I would be fine as long as you don't cheat on me. WRONG.... I found out by finding a card that said where you could get AIDS tests. NO WOMAN SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT. My heart had been put in a blender and put on full speed.
This man I loved, that took me for better or worse, was NOT who I knew. But we stayed together. I thought we could be the "couple who could make it." This was about the time I found out about WILDFLOWERS. I finally had someplace that I could bring my troubles, and people would actually understand. Oh, my friends tried, but what do you tell them? It's OK, I'll survive. I found lifelong friendships through this group. It was around this time also, that I found out my husband was looking at Gay Pornography. I could not believe how quickly he was pulled into all that confusion. It finally got to a point to where I had to kick him out and say, "you are not healthy, you need help." At first I was really angry and would not talk to him.
After about a month of being separated, my husband had come to my house drunk and had taken some medication. We had to take him to the hospital, and we found out he tried committing suicide. He had actually convinced himself he'd be better off dead. I only bring this up so people can see what an impact SSA can have on someone. We had our family prayer at the hospital and he came to. I was very angry, confused, frustrated, sad... you name it, I probably felt it. How could this man do this to me? But as I listened to others situations, and learned more about SSA, my heart just went out to him and to others that feel this. It's a real feeling.
As the year went on, I learned it's not good for me to be angry. WHAT PURPOSE DOES THAT SERVE? We are now to a point to where my husband has disclosed many occurrences that have happened throughout the last couple years. Yes, we are still married. I have searched my soul, and beliefs, and yes I have prayed about it. I don't feel I need to not be with him. I can see it now, your eyes open wide and thinking "this girl is crazy." Well, crazy it may be, but I see people differently than others. I see this man who struggles day by day, wanting to have that feeling gone, but he's learning to love himself as a child of GOD. He's seeking counseling currently for his sex addiction and his pornography issues. Will we stay together? Who knows. It's not about that for me. For me it's about seeing the man I love get the necessary help he needs, so that he can help others who go through this as well. If there's anything I want to share it's this. GOD has a strong love for everyone. Whether it be for a gay man, or a lesbian, or a drunk, or someone who's addicted to drugs, it's not our place to judge. Life is too short to be angry. I do my best everyday to share that message to others whenever I can.
We graduated and I became pregnant and married my son's father. It was an abusive relationship. After a year, I knew I had to leave my first husband. I decided to tell Brad how I felt. I went to his work and invited him over after he was off work. I told him how I felt. I told him I loved him since high school, and WHAMMO, we started dating. We dated for 3 years and were married in September of 1995. We had 3 other children together, among those were a set of twin girls. Life was great. We were both active in our [LDS - Mormon] ward, He was Elders Quorum President, Financial Clerk, Primary Teacher, Sunday School Teacher. I was happy.
HELL BROKE LOOSE. When my husband decided to go to school, I noticed he was gone alot. Got to the point that he would stay at school all night. As he was accomplishing his goal, I felt me and my children were left behind. Oh, he had good intentions, but he just wasn't acting himself. Well, I had made an appointment with my bishop for us to get counseling. As I waited for my husband to come out of the office, I had so many dreams for myself. Living the life I dreamed about when I was a little girl. He came out in tears. I asked him what was wrong, he told me he had same sex attraction. OK, I can deal with that... Or so I thought...
He started to go to a really good counseling group for people who had this. The people he met were amazing. We would talk about it, I would try and understand what he was going through. YEAH RIGHT. As we went through the next couple years, it got worse.... As we talked I told him, I would be fine as long as you don't cheat on me. WRONG.... I found out by finding a card that said where you could get AIDS tests. NO WOMAN SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT. My heart had been put in a blender and put on full speed.
This man I loved, that took me for better or worse, was NOT who I knew. But we stayed together. I thought we could be the "couple who could make it." This was about the time I found out about WILDFLOWERS. I finally had someplace that I could bring my troubles, and people would actually understand. Oh, my friends tried, but what do you tell them? It's OK, I'll survive. I found lifelong friendships through this group. It was around this time also, that I found out my husband was looking at Gay Pornography. I could not believe how quickly he was pulled into all that confusion. It finally got to a point to where I had to kick him out and say, "you are not healthy, you need help." At first I was really angry and would not talk to him.
After about a month of being separated, my husband had come to my house drunk and had taken some medication. We had to take him to the hospital, and we found out he tried committing suicide. He had actually convinced himself he'd be better off dead. I only bring this up so people can see what an impact SSA can have on someone. We had our family prayer at the hospital and he came to. I was very angry, confused, frustrated, sad... you name it, I probably felt it. How could this man do this to me? But as I listened to others situations, and learned more about SSA, my heart just went out to him and to others that feel this. It's a real feeling.
As the year went on, I learned it's not good for me to be angry. WHAT PURPOSE DOES THAT SERVE? We are now to a point to where my husband has disclosed many occurrences that have happened throughout the last couple years. Yes, we are still married. I have searched my soul, and beliefs, and yes I have prayed about it. I don't feel I need to not be with him. I can see it now, your eyes open wide and thinking "this girl is crazy." Well, crazy it may be, but I see people differently than others. I see this man who struggles day by day, wanting to have that feeling gone, but he's learning to love himself as a child of GOD. He's seeking counseling currently for his sex addiction and his pornography issues. Will we stay together? Who knows. It's not about that for me. For me it's about seeing the man I love get the necessary help he needs, so that he can help others who go through this as well. If there's anything I want to share it's this. GOD has a strong love for everyone. Whether it be for a gay man, or a lesbian, or a drunk, or someone who's addicted to drugs, it's not our place to judge. Life is too short to be angry. I do my best everyday to share that message to others whenever I can.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
A Daughter Steps Into The Light
Salt Lake Tribune Article By Peggy Fletcher Stack [Archive]
Emily Pearson was 10 years old when her Mormon father left the family to live as a gay man. She was 16 when he died of AIDS. Two years later, her famous mother, Carol Lynn Pearson, told their story in Good-Bye, I Love You: The True Story of a Wife, Her Homosexual Husband and a Love Honored for Time and All Eternity, which became a national best-seller.
At 25, Pearson married Steven Fales, even after he acknowledged a lifelong struggle with same-sex attraction. The marriage ended six years and two children later, and again, her life was splayed out in public with Fales' 2001 autobiographical play, "Confessions of a Mormon Boy." She describes seeing the play for the first time as "being dismembered with an ice pick."
"My marriage with Steven summed up a lifetime of being swallowed by narcissistic personalities," Pearson says. "I needed to finally stand up and choose for myself and think for myself."
Now, the Sandy mother is stepping out of the long shadow cast by her parents, husband and church.
Pearson is writing her memoirs, tentatively titled Dancing With Crazy, a shortened version of which was published in the April issue of Sunstone magazine, an independent Mormon publication. She will be speaking at the three-day Sunstone Symposium, which begins Wednesday night at the Sheraton Hotel in Salt Lake City.
She is on a panel titled "Will, Grace and Angels in Brokeback America: Straight Women, Gay Men and Mormonism." Also on the Sunstone program is a session on "Gays in the Mormon Universe," which features a presentation by Buckley Jeppson, an LDS man who married his male partner in Canada two years ago, and another one by Jeff Nielsen, who was recently let go as a Brigham Young University adjunct professor after publicly opposing the LDS Church's stance on a constitutional marriage amendment.
On top of that, the symposium showcases Pearson's mother, who is offering a 20-year retrospective look at her book, plus introducing her new works on homosexuality: "Facing East," a play about an LDS couple whose gay son committed suicide, and No More Good-byes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones. The play is slated to premiere at the Rose Wagner Theater in Salt Lake City in November, the same month she plans to publish the book online.
When published in 1986, Good-Bye, I Love You hit the Mormon community like a laser. Carol Lynn Pearson had built her reputation as a writer of poetry and uplifting Mormon plays, which commanded a lot of respect in church circles. At a time when many Mormons thought homosexuality was disgusting and evil, her riveting tale of love, hope, betrayal, forgiveness and reconciliation all within a devout LDS context put a human face on gayness. Mormons couldn't help but see their fathers, brothers and sons - as well as mothers, sisters and daughters - reflected in it.
Since then, Carol Lynn Pearson has received scores of letters and e-mails from Latter-day Saint gays, family members and friends, telling their stories and asking for advice.
"Progress has been made in Mormon culture and in religious culture broadly," Carol Lynn Pearson said Tuesday in a phone interview from her home in Walnut Creek, Calif. "But we still say too many goodbyes due to suicide, ill-fated marriages and to family alienation."
Given her early immersion in the tug-of-war between LDS Church teachings and homosexuality, it might seem astonishing that Emily Pearson would agree to marry a gay man. Didn't she know better? After all, she had watched her father try and fail to turn himself into a happy heterosexual husband. She was the one who uttered the words that became her mother's book title. She had been close at hand during her mother's anguish.
The answer to Pearson's marriage riddle lies in the biblical tale of Abraham, who was asked to sacrifice his son to show his love for God. After her father died, Pearson thought maybe God had punished her for a lack of faith. So she became super obedient and faithful to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When she fell in love, there was divine confirmation - and several priesthood blessings - that she should marry him. Then one summer night, Fales admitted his history of same-sex attraction.
"I was furious with God," Pearson writes in her Sunstone piece. "I didn't understand why he would require the unthinkable of me. He wanted me to marry a gay man? I wasn't stupid. I knew exactly how it would turn out if we got married."
She prayed: "Heavenly Father. Do I have to do this?" The answer was instantaneous. "No, you don't have to do this. But if you do, it will heal the deepest, darkest parts of yourself."
They believed they could be the exception, that Fales' homosexuality could be "cured." That they might write a different book than her mother's. A success story.
Within a few months of their 1993 marriage in the LDS temple, the fairy tale was over. They went from being friendly, to being cordial, to being sad, to being angry, to being alone and resigned to the pain and disillusionment of it all. "We became highly skilled at the passive-aggressive dance we allowed our marriage to become," Pearson writes.
In some ways, though, her summertime epiphany did come true. The marriage did heal something in her. It did resolve the "massive unfinished business" she had with her dad. She found inner strength she didn't know she had. She no longer attends the LDS Church, nor looks to it for guidance and answers. She discovered that her happiness is not dependent on any other person or institution.
For Pearson, that's been a giant step forward.
She has launched an online support group for wives, mothers and fiancées of gay men, http://www.wearewildflowers.com. She also has a consulting business for couples or individuals who are divorcing over issues regarding homosexuality. "I can relate to the anger of the ex-wife," she says. "But I am also the daughter of a gay man. I have this absolute, boundless love for gay men. My life continues to be enriched by them."
Emily Pearson was 10 years old when her Mormon father left the family to live as a gay man. She was 16 when he died of AIDS. Two years later, her famous mother, Carol Lynn Pearson, told their story in Good-Bye, I Love You: The True Story of a Wife, Her Homosexual Husband and a Love Honored for Time and All Eternity, which became a national best-seller.
At 25, Pearson married Steven Fales, even after he acknowledged a lifelong struggle with same-sex attraction. The marriage ended six years and two children later, and again, her life was splayed out in public with Fales' 2001 autobiographical play, "Confessions of a Mormon Boy." She describes seeing the play for the first time as "being dismembered with an ice pick."
"My marriage with Steven summed up a lifetime of being swallowed by narcissistic personalities," Pearson says. "I needed to finally stand up and choose for myself and think for myself."
Now, the Sandy mother is stepping out of the long shadow cast by her parents, husband and church.
Pearson is writing her memoirs, tentatively titled Dancing With Crazy, a shortened version of which was published in the April issue of Sunstone magazine, an independent Mormon publication. She will be speaking at the three-day Sunstone Symposium, which begins Wednesday night at the Sheraton Hotel in Salt Lake City.
She is on a panel titled "Will, Grace and Angels in Brokeback America: Straight Women, Gay Men and Mormonism." Also on the Sunstone program is a session on "Gays in the Mormon Universe," which features a presentation by Buckley Jeppson, an LDS man who married his male partner in Canada two years ago, and another one by Jeff Nielsen, who was recently let go as a Brigham Young University adjunct professor after publicly opposing the LDS Church's stance on a constitutional marriage amendment.
On top of that, the symposium showcases Pearson's mother, who is offering a 20-year retrospective look at her book, plus introducing her new works on homosexuality: "Facing East," a play about an LDS couple whose gay son committed suicide, and No More Good-byes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones. The play is slated to premiere at the Rose Wagner Theater in Salt Lake City in November, the same month she plans to publish the book online.
When published in 1986, Good-Bye, I Love You hit the Mormon community like a laser. Carol Lynn Pearson had built her reputation as a writer of poetry and uplifting Mormon plays, which commanded a lot of respect in church circles. At a time when many Mormons thought homosexuality was disgusting and evil, her riveting tale of love, hope, betrayal, forgiveness and reconciliation all within a devout LDS context put a human face on gayness. Mormons couldn't help but see their fathers, brothers and sons - as well as mothers, sisters and daughters - reflected in it.
Since then, Carol Lynn Pearson has received scores of letters and e-mails from Latter-day Saint gays, family members and friends, telling their stories and asking for advice.
"Progress has been made in Mormon culture and in religious culture broadly," Carol Lynn Pearson said Tuesday in a phone interview from her home in Walnut Creek, Calif. "But we still say too many goodbyes due to suicide, ill-fated marriages and to family alienation."
Given her early immersion in the tug-of-war between LDS Church teachings and homosexuality, it might seem astonishing that Emily Pearson would agree to marry a gay man. Didn't she know better? After all, she had watched her father try and fail to turn himself into a happy heterosexual husband. She was the one who uttered the words that became her mother's book title. She had been close at hand during her mother's anguish.
The answer to Pearson's marriage riddle lies in the biblical tale of Abraham, who was asked to sacrifice his son to show his love for God. After her father died, Pearson thought maybe God had punished her for a lack of faith. So she became super obedient and faithful to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When she fell in love, there was divine confirmation - and several priesthood blessings - that she should marry him. Then one summer night, Fales admitted his history of same-sex attraction.
"I was furious with God," Pearson writes in her Sunstone piece. "I didn't understand why he would require the unthinkable of me. He wanted me to marry a gay man? I wasn't stupid. I knew exactly how it would turn out if we got married."
She prayed: "Heavenly Father. Do I have to do this?" The answer was instantaneous. "No, you don't have to do this. But if you do, it will heal the deepest, darkest parts of yourself."
They believed they could be the exception, that Fales' homosexuality could be "cured." That they might write a different book than her mother's. A success story.
Within a few months of their 1993 marriage in the LDS temple, the fairy tale was over. They went from being friendly, to being cordial, to being sad, to being angry, to being alone and resigned to the pain and disillusionment of it all. "We became highly skilled at the passive-aggressive dance we allowed our marriage to become," Pearson writes.
In some ways, though, her summertime epiphany did come true. The marriage did heal something in her. It did resolve the "massive unfinished business" she had with her dad. She found inner strength she didn't know she had. She no longer attends the LDS Church, nor looks to it for guidance and answers. She discovered that her happiness is not dependent on any other person or institution.
For Pearson, that's been a giant step forward.
She has launched an online support group for wives, mothers and fiancées of gay men, http://www.wearewildflowers.com. She also has a consulting business for couples or individuals who are divorcing over issues regarding homosexuality. "I can relate to the anger of the ex-wife," she says. "But I am also the daughter of a gay man. I have this absolute, boundless love for gay men. My life continues to be enriched by them."
Monday, September 8, 2008
The "B" Word
After reading about it on my list of Random Things I Hate, on DWC I was asked by a friend, "What is a beard?"
A beard is a HORRIBLE term used to describe a woman that a gay man marries or dates in order to appear straight to the world at large. A beard gives the illusion of being the manliest of men, much like unto a giant lumber jack. A beard is also a wirey mass of male facial pubic hair and if anyone ever calls me one again I will kick them in the crotch.
A beard is a HORRIBLE term used to describe a woman that a gay man marries or dates in order to appear straight to the world at large. A beard gives the illusion of being the manliest of men, much like unto a giant lumber jack. A beard is also a wirey mass of male facial pubic hair and if anyone ever calls me one again I will kick them in the crotch.
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